“You need to stop me immediately when I overstep my boundaries. It’s the only way for me to know—”

“I hate that I need boundaries in the first place!” I snapped, overwhelmed with guilt and anger. “I would have been fine if I’d returned home sooner, if only you—” I growled loudly at myself and whacked the metal railing with my fist in frustration.

Not again! Enough with accusations already!

“Evan—” No, I was on a roll now.

“I hate myself for using you as my emotional punching bag. You are not at fault! You know this, I know this. Yet this anger that’s burning inside me,” I gripped at the shirt covering my stomach, crumpling it in my fist, wishing I could rip everything that’s ugly out of me. “I can’t shut it down. I want to, but I can’t! I want to be with you, yet the second I remember the hospital and that you didn’t support my wish to leave …” I hissed in frustration, running a hand through my hair.

Don’t go there, Evan.

“I hate the way I am now. It’s like I’m on a constant emotional rollercoaster that has no breaks. How do I stop it? Can I stop it? Will I ever be able to stop it?”

I felt myself go rigid with tension as words continued to tumble out of my mouth. Even my left shoulder and arm started to hurt. I shut my eyes to ignore the increasing dizziness and white dots in my vision, stubbornly continuing the rant.

“I want us back. You're right here and yet I miss you because this anger is keeping me away from you! Do you realize I can barely touch you before it overwhelms me? How fucked up is that? How do I fix that? How can you stand me when I’m like this? How can you even want to be with me when—”

“Shh,” Kade murmured as I prattled something more. I just wanted to be me again!

“Stop talking and take deep breaths, Evan.” I felt his lips against my forehead and arms against my waist, steadying me. “Just breathe with me, slowly, in, out.”

Mine, short and shallow, struggled to match his slow breathing. I had worked myself up again. No wonder my knees felt weak and pain crept on me from all sides.

“That's right, breathe with me, relax. Lean on me, I got you.” I listened to Kade’s soothing voice, and followed his lead. “Focus on breathing, nothing more.”

A few minutes later, I was finally able to keep up with his calm breathing without much trouble. The headache was passing, the pain from my left shoulder and arm returned to a familiar dull throb, and the tremors receded. Fatigue crept over me as adrenaline left my system; it was good Kade had me lean on him.

As I gradually calmed down listening to his soft murmurs to breathe, I noticed we were in an embrace. We didn’t have many of those after the accident. He had one hand between my shoulder blades and another around my waist while I had mine around his waist. A part of me basked in this feeling of closeness, but I could feel that other, broken part rearing its ugly head again.

I clutched at his shirt and buried my face in his shoulder, trying to ignore the anger creeping up on me. Could it fuck off for one freaking moment, please?

“We will be fine, Evan.” Kade picked-up the conversation, holding me in a loose embrace, mindful of my fractured left arm in a sling. “You’ll be fine, but you’ve got to allow yourself to heal first. The rest will come naturally once you’re well.”

“I want to be fine now.” I fisted his shirt tighter. “I know it's only a matter of time before you get tired of me—” I gasped at the unexpected pinch at my waist and looked up. It wasn't that painful, but a pinch?

“That’s bullshit, and you know it.” Kade met my eyes in all seriousness. “When they phoned me and I rushed to the hospital, I didn't know if I'd find you alive.” I couldn't bear the raw emotion on his face, and rested my head on his shoulder again. “When I arrived, they were busy with you, patching you up and doing dozens of tests. I knew they were concerned about your head injury and whether your spine was intact. Nobody told me anything at first—when you'd wake up, if you'd be bedridden, if you'd be able to … perceive the world at all.”

I shuddered at the thought of ending up a vegetable. Kade took a deep breath and continued, his voice thick with emotion.

“First, I was just glad you were alive and breathing on your own. Then, I was told you didn't sustain any life-threatening injuries, and I felt like I’d won the lottery. Eventually, I saw your beautiful hazel eyes open and now …” He tightened his embrace, speaking into my hair. “Now I have you here with me, Ev. You're standing on your own two feet, you can think and understand, you can speak, and I can hold you. Do you realize how incredibly lucky we are? I could have lost you that night.”

“But I’m still broken …” A stubborn objection left my lips. I was grateful to be alive, but I also wanted to feel like my usual self again.

“You’re still healing.” Kade kissed my hair. “You're home and safe. You will feel better soon, and we will become close again. We have all the time, Evan, we really do.”

“I don't share your confidence in this.”

“It's okay, I have plenty of that for both of us.”

I chuckled at his words. It was so true. If Kade never lacked something, it was confidence and persistence. I tweaked his side when I put distance between us.

“You pinched me?” Feeling steadier, both, emotionally and physically, I was ready to change the topic.

“It served its purpose, didn't it? The situation required a good distraction. It was either that, or …” Kade trailed off on purpose, then released me and went inside our condo, though not before I noticed the sparkle in his eyes. The tease! I went after him.

“Thank you for selflessly withholding the juicy alternative from my oversensitive mind.” I watched him open the lid and place the steaming food into the first plate, a smile on his face. Right, food. I went for the silverware and a couple of napkins to set the dining table.

“You're welcome. You know I always aim to be considerate when the opportunity presents itself,” Kade replied in an overly formal tone.

“Or when it suits you,” I deadpanned.

“Hmmm … Or that.”

He approached with two plates full of rice, sliced chicken, and veggies. It smelled heavenly. I finished setting the table for us, with a spoon and a napkin for myself. A more convenient option with only one operating hand.

“Water, juice, tea?” Kade retreated to the kitchen.

“Water is fine, thank you.”

We didn't have chicken Biryani for a long time, and I wanted to enjoy its taste properly. Plus, Kade rarely made the dish exactly the same twice, preferring to experiment a bit with ingredients. 

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