Joel: *smiles back and shoves Andrei back a bit* That’s true, she is. I do love her very much. Honestly…the more I think about it, the more I think I should just go up to her and tell her. 

Perhaps even today. *a mischievous and innocent sparkle creeps into his eyes*

What do you think, Colonel? Do you think that’s a good idea? I should’ve told her before, when she came here to give me back my accounting books, but I didn’t want that irritating Ben to rip into me for it. I was being too dramatic, wasn’t I? Just looking at the smallest things and making them seem like a big deal when they weren’t…

*his voice trails off. Clearly, Joel regrets what happened earlier with Ben*

Andrei *thoughtfully fixes his eyes on Joel, listening intently. There’s something about Joel’s determination, but also the young man’s concern of what others will think of him, that evokes memories of Andrei’s younger brother, Kolya. Andrei recalls, for a moment, how Kolya would come to him for advice, just as Joel does before him now. A thoughtful pensiveness washes on Andrei’s madly grinning and boisterous face, and he receives from Joel’s presence, a sort of innocent enthusiasm Andrei felt from Kolya. Andrei rouses himself into bright and high spirits before Joel can notice his brief pensive flash.* 

Andrei: Ah, Benya needs a good shaking, that bastard. He’s always like that, so people around here tell me. Always barking like a damn dog, ordering people around. Ah, he can do that when he earns his rank. If you get a rank in life, if you know what I mean, a man has to keep how he earned, not act like some mighty tyrant. Benya, I’ll shake some sense into him if I see him again. You dealed (Andrei meant “dealt”) with him fair enough. Perhaps next time you two meet here, you can teach him how to fly across the room, eh, Yolenka? 

Joel: *nods, has a faint smile on his face* I think I will, if he continues to irritate me like this. I don’t like being challenged - and neither does he, so that’s why we keep on clashing almost every time we meet.

*looks pensively at Andrei* But yes. I do love Malka so much. Just like you were thinking about the woman you’re in love with, I think about her all the time…it’s just that I don’t know why I can’t make myself say anything when she’s with me. Am I that afraid of being possibly rejected? But I always tell myself that rejection doesn’t mean anything…I’m used to it, anyways. *he sounds slightly bitter* 

I always tell myself, I guess, subconsciously, that Malka doesn’t need someone as negative as me around her. She already has so many negative things going on in her life. Why would she need a spoilsport like me in her life? I’m afraid of hurting her, Colonel - I think my argumentative, fiery nature will hurt her and trap her in a life she doesn’t want, like how her father trapped her mother into a life she never wanted.

*Joel blinks, realizing he’s said too much. He turns red, since he’s never been so blunt about his emotions before.*

Andrei *nods, listening to every word of Joel’s. Andrei pauses, trying to process the rush of English words. Some, he doesn’t catch, like “spoil-sport”. Uncrossing his arms, Andrei pushes himself from the wall he was leaning against and pats Joel encouragingly on the young man’s broad shoulders* 

Andrei: Ah, you’re going through the trials of love, too, eh? Ah, it’s always like that, when you find a woman, you’re afraid. She is much better than you. Everyone talks about finding a worthy woman, but what happens when she’s more worthy than you? Or so you think! 

How long have you known her? You know, felt like this for her? You should not waste any more time. Life is short for everyone, but shorter for the young, as they say! 

Joel: *purses his lips as he thinks* You’re right, I shouldn’t wait any longer. I already hate myself for making her wait so long. As Ben pointed out, I think she does have some kind of feelings for me. Maybe she does view me as just a friend, I don’t know - but Colonel, how do you think she thinks about me? It’s clear I love her, but does she? Or does she just view me as a good childhood friend…? And nothing else…? *his voice trails off* 

I’m concerned that my darkness and my volatility will hurt her, Colonel. As you just saw, I’m not the most mature person. I’m prone to being an ass and making an ass out of myself when challenged…I guess it’s a reflex I have since I…I haven’t always been the most sociable or agreeable person growing up.

*he sighs* 

Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m saying all of this. This must just sound really childish and irritating to you. I’m sorry to bother you like this.

Andrei: *shakes his head emphatically* Eh, now! What’s this? Bothering me? Hell, no! I asked YOU, right? No, tell me all! I want to know, it’s my business now! And good thing you came to ask me! Good thing, too, that you like whiskey now! 

Ah, so you’ve known since you two were children, eh? That’s all good! Looks like much hasn’t yet changed, either- you’re still in love, like a rock set in a ring, for her, right? 

Yolenka, you’re a man now, and you are seeing that all men, we all have a darkness in us, a real… what’s the word? That word! A real heart for violence! All men are like this, even those little meek poets chopping up words like roots in a stew, they had dark hearts foaming with violence and meanness. 

It’s good you are aware of that. 

But what about Malka? 

She’s human, too. She’s made of flesh- she probably is angry, tired, maybe dark herself too. Hardship can turn a person into something cruel or kind… seems like both of you chose the kind part, I think! 

Some women are strange creatures, too. Well, like men, we’re strange too. Maybe your Malushenka likes dark and angry men like you. Maybe she likes how you want to stand for yourself, instead of being a meek lamb to slaughter. And you? What do you seek in a woman? Is it what she has? 

I confess. I don’t like these little sweet types. You know, the kind of girl whose mouth is so cool, butter wouldn’t melt on her tongue. I prefer women who put up a fight, who are made of fire and black glass! 

So Malushenka- she seems sweet, but I think there’s a sharpness around her eyes, like she carries a blade under the kid suede leather, you know? 

How did you make an ass of yourself, Yolenka? You stood up for yourself! If a man does that, he’s saved himself from making an ass of himself. Only Benya, stupid shit he is, made an ass of himself. He was braying worse than a Turkmen’s donkey in the market on Sunday! 

Joel: *grins feebly at the donkey comparison and then his expression softens as he thinks about how to answer Andrei* Those are good questions. I think I love Malka because she has always been a good listener. 

You know, growing up, I didn’t think anyone truly wanted to listen to me. Sure, they’ll “listen” to me, but they didn’t really care who I was or what I really thought. People just wanted the appearance - my parents wanted me to stop stuttering, for instance, but they never seemed to really think about what was causing it. The psychological aspect, I mean.

*he dips his head, thinking* You’re right. Malka isn’t purely innocent. No one is. But I just don’t want to bind her with someone she doesn’t want to be with. I’m concerned that I’ll drain her of her kindness until she’s just totally used up…I don’t want her to be a psychologist for me, and I know she has the tendency to think about other peoples’ emotions a lot. 

*he laughs in an attempt to lighten the conversation* Emotions are an annoying thing. They really are. I’ve been telling myself to take myself less seriously since I was a teen, and it’s kind of worked. 

But sometimes, my nature betrays me, like you just saw with Ben. I couldn’t control myself - my stoic facade cracked and I just snapped at him. I could’ve avoided all of that by just shrugging it off, like a duck shrugging water off its back. Sam and Frankie can do that because they don’t take things personally. But I still - and probably always will - take everything personally.

(The two men now sit on crates stacked against a corner wall, overlooking a barred window. Sunlight from the setting sun casts an uneven shaft of bronze light, and the bars’ shadows wobble across the floorboards with the motion of the setting sun and clouds.)

Andrei: You had a stutter as a child? Ah, I'd never believe it! Not the way you talk now, like a scholar or something! 

You’re blessed, finding someone who listens. Women are better listeners than most men, I found out. Malushenka sounds like an exceptional woman, then! *slaps Joel on the back heartily, giving an equally hearty laugh of approval* 

You dealed (he meant dealt, again) with all those white-coat bastards, then? Some mean well, they run around with their bottles of pills and slips of notepaper, trying to solve the mess of men and their minds, but can they really? Ah, let’s not spectorate (he meant “speculate”) on that.

People don’t care much, Yolenka, it’s the hard truth you and I know too well. But some do. You will find a good, strong soul who knows suffering as you do, and wants to listen. 

And better yet, if it is someone you can cherish, too, like Malushenka. 

Well, think of love like a field- you worry about draining her of kindness. Well! As much you harvest from your field, you have to give back to your field. You have to water, weed it, and till it. But it gives as much back as you give into it. So it is with love, I think. If she gives a lot of kindness to you, give her just as much back. Perhaps a bit more, for good measure. She gives a lot, from what you tell me. So give her back what she gives out, then! 

Emotions are good for many things. A man wouldn’t have a soul if he had no feelings! What kind of people, what kind of creations would we be, if we had no rage? No grief? No love? Maybe these are not emotions, maybe they are, as how do the poets put it? ‘States” of the soul! 

I take things seriously. I take things to my person, too. I can’t let insult and injury roll off me like water off a duck’s back, as you said. 

Hell no. 

I’ve got to rage and shake some fear into the dog that mocked me. 

Well, perhaps, too, I might be wrong. 

If we clash horns, perhaps we can learn something from one another. Sometimes, a good way to make friends, is to punch them first. See what they’re made of, and they see what you’re made of. 

*Andrei blinks and corrects himself, looking around to make sure no one heard him aloud* 

Ah, better not do it here, though. I’m told by all the people here, that’s against the law. Stupid law! No wonder all you men are sick and nervous. Can’t fight to get it out of your system!