Not a single doubt...

I'm not a fighter... really. I despise violence. I think we are civilized enough to talk things through. And I'm not strong enough to go against a full-grown man. But... it's not about a choice and calculation. It's not about thinking... maybe shining makes people reckless. Funny, my shining is so small. And yet I'm about to do something way out of my character...

I take a running start, head down the corridor, go straight through the open door into Logan's room, and I ram his father which causes great pain in my shoulder. He staggers and starts to fall sideways, on Logan's littered desk. Things fall down clattering. I look at stunned Logan, who lies on the floor with his hands in front of his face as if he tried to stop the fist.

"Get up!" I say demandingly and grab his hand. He scrambles to his feet, and we run to the front door not looking back.

It's raining outside, but I don't stop. We run to the street, get soaking wet in a second. I keep pulling Logan's hand. Still no doubt in my head.

We get to my house, run under the porch roof, and finally stop. I'm trying to catch my breath. Logan's too.

"Come on," I say and open the door to the house. But Logan lingers. I look him in the eye and repeat firmly. "Come on." And he comes inside the house.

"Be quiet," I whisper when Logan closes the door. On tiptoes, we go upstairs into my room. I close the door and breathe out. And with this, I breathed out the last of my decisiveness. It's like I ran out of fuel.

Logan stands at the door; I turn to him.

"You... need to take a hot shower, or you might get a cold."

But Logan clenches his teeth and looks hard at me.

"Change into dry clothes at least," I retreat. I give him a towel from a bottom drawer and turn away. By the sound, I can say that he's still standing and doing nothing. But I wait. Seems like a stupid game. And finally, I hear a rustle - Logan takes off his t-shirt and starts wiping himself dry. He clearly pouts; he breathes loud and heavy through his nose.

I start to rummage in my wardrobe trying to find what Logan can fit in... Dad's clothes maybe would fit him better, but I actually try to avoid waking my parents up... So I take the biggest t-shirt and pajama pants and, without looking back, give them to Logan. He takes them not at once.

"I'll go bring something hot," I say and go towards the door. "You can sit where you like, but please be quiet, ok?" I say it matter-of-factly, but I wish I had a shred of that confidence I fake. Logan again clenches his teeth. And I try to look at his face but can't help and slide down to his chest. His shining is visible through the t-shirt I gave him. In a dimly lit room, he's like a night light. I'm still in a drenched sweatshirt, but I know for sure my shining is way smaller. I wonder how it works? Logan stays the only shining one in our pair? Is it possible?

I avert my gaze quickly and walk out of the room. First I go to the bathroom. I dry myself and change my clothes. I linger in front of the mirror topless, looking at my chest. No changes.

Shit, what am I doing? What if...

But I can't just kick him out! I brought him here myself! Yeah, "playing hero" is very short-sighted!

I come down to the kitchen and make two big mugs of cocoa. I don't know if Logan likes it... Maybe I should add sweet chili sauce to it? I grin at the thought. Ok, if he doesn't like cocoa, he can hold it and warm himself up.

I come back to my room, Logan's sitting at my desk with his back to the door.

"Here," I place the mug on the table beside him. "I hope you like cocoa."

Logan darts a short glance at me and then at the mug. I climb onto my bed and slump back against the pillow. And finally all my thoughts dawn on me.

What. The. Hell. Have. I. Done?

I actually charged at Logan's father... I rammed him... fuck, what if I killed him?! And... I can't even blame shining for that! Why the hell did I do that?! And my shoulder hurts like crazy.

I look up at Logan, and he's staring into my face.

"He'll be fine. You didn't kill him," suddenly says Logan and sips from his mug. His voice is flat but...

"Are you reading my mind now?" I ask surprised.

Logan shrugs and sighs.

"You have this scared look on your face, I just assumed... but... your entrance was sure impressive..." He purses his lips and takes another sip. So he actually likes cocoa.

"You're welcome," I say gloomy. Logan huffs.

"Really? You think yourself a hero?"

I turn my eyes on Logan, he sounds bitter.

"No... nothing like that... I just..."

"Why did you come?" he asks seriously.

"I..." Well, as I've said before, I ran out of my decisiveness, so now the very idea of apologizing seems absurd. "I felt strange... and I thought it was your feeling. So... I decided to check if everything was ok with you." It's not a complete lie.

Logan looks at me with a hint of disbelief in his eyes.

"I don't need your helping hand." He stresses the last word. "Or your pity." Logan puts the mug with a loud knock and gets up.

I don't have to stop him. He's on his own. We're not friends. Why do I care where he will go on a rainy night? I have a trip tomorrow. I need to sleep.

"It's not a pity, okay... and... I was just returning a favor, that's all. You saved me in that alley, you did. So... now I just pay you back for this. And... do as you like. You can go... or you can stay here till morning or till the rain stops."

"So far your "returning a favor" goes?" He asks sarcastically. But I pretend I don't notice it.

"Well... you saved me, helped me get home..." I start ticking off my fingers. "Fed me and let me sleep on your bed."

"You're such a douche..."

I grin, "I'm fair."

"So... you actually offer me your bed?" Logan asks incredulously.

"I have a spare mattress... but yeah, you can take the bed."

Logan scoffs but sits down again. And it feels that I managed to defuse the tension a bit.

"And it's fine with you?" Logan asks after a pause. I look askance at him. I think I know what he means but I don't really want to go there anymore.

"You and me in one room?" I say plainly and pull my t-shirt up, letting Logan see a weak light on my chest. His glance changes. "I think it's gonna be fine."

And again, portraying confidence is not the same as being confident... But I think I pulled it off just fine. Fake it until you make it, right?

I brought the mattress and placed it between the wardrobe and my bed, took one pillow from the living room and a blanket, and made myself comfortable in every possible way. But... oh, but...

I can't sleep. I don't trust Logan, it goes without saying. But strangely, I don't wait for him to jump on me or something like that. I just can't relax in his presence. But the fact that he is here seems right. Here he is safe...

Woah! Wait a minute...

I actually care?

For a second my mind went blank, and I stared at the ceiling for no reason. I check my shining again. It's small... It's... no, no, no... I... is this...? Oh shit...

Maybe my shining is not visible? Maybe it went deeper and became less noticeable, but it's still there?

This thought makes me feel bad and good at the same time. If it's so, I can blame shining for everything I do when it comes to Logan. The bad thing is I still don't know how to get rid of it.

But... I don't feel as before! When shining diminished, I stopped being so dependent. I've lived a whole week without Logan, and it didn't make me miserable. It leads me to a conclusion that worries me...

I care... I - me - myself - Adam Stone - almost not-shining me... I care about Logan Douglas. Who beat me, saved me, kissed me, groped me... What is wrong with me?

Logan's hand dangles in front of my face. Did he really fall asleep?  I lift myself to look at him.

Yup, he's sleeping. I get up and get closer. I look at his shining. It's under the t-shirt, and I don't risk peeking underneath, but I look as closely as I can. His shining got smaller as well, but it's bigger and brighter than mine. It's not pulsating.

I lie down again.

I just wanted to apologize for the cruel words I've said. For a second I thought that his father would do what I wished Logan that night. I feel ashamed.

So all in all, I wanted to apologize, but it turned out differently. I could help Logan, and I hope my deeds speak louder than words.