Special Chapter for April Fools

Beyond mortal reaches. A cosmic universe where time and creation are blurred into the infinite space. The 13th circle of the divine pleroma is a place where the just do-gooders are laid to rest as well as a place where no individual stained with sin can reach. Here lies a beautiful and magnificent being where a certain god resides.

“JESUS CHRIST!” 

A soul yelled, suddenly being blinded by a glorious light, revealing a cloaked figure.

“Wrong name.” 

A suave cloaked being who was garnished in the finest white, almost translucent cloth was busy playing with a glowing orb and did not bother to make eye contact with the baffled soul. The soul absentmindedly stood at the being’s succinct reply, before getting flustered at their situation.

“I thought gods didn’t exist!”

“Well, reality is most often disappointing.”

“Then… Are you Allah?” The soul asked.

“Nope.”

“Buddha?”

“Nah.”

“Vishnu?”

“Nyo~pe.”

“Demiurge?”

“Oh! Wow!” As if truly overjoyed, he claps his hands, urging him to continue. “So very close!”

“Zeus?”

“Ew! No, gross!” The deity vehemently denied in disgust as if he was truly, deeply offended. 

The soul was taken aback by the sudden change of attitude, despite all the previous lack of interest in his replies.

Beyond the metaphysical realm of possibility, higher beings such as gods and goddesses were normally venerated and known. A coexisting spiritual ecosystem that relies on the faith of mortals determines the rank of a god. However, there is one exception to this rule, and he is— 

“I’m what they call Sa-”

“-tan!” The soul proudly cut him off.

“-klas…” He finished as there was an awkward silence befallen between the two.

“Ah… I see. Saklas. Nice to meet you… ” The soul avoided looking at the god who was fully covered in a thin white veil, hiding his facial features from the mortal soul.

“Can’t really say the same.”

— Saklas. Not much is known about this capricious god, and one of the remaining pieces of his recorded history was in a scrappy piece of papyrus only to be discovered after decades by a sketchy art smuggler and was placed in a crappy mailbox only to deteriorate because nobody wanted to pay the said sketchy art smuggler. 

Did I mention she got detained? Heh. Serves her right.

“Ha… Disappointing till the very end…” He snapped his fingers as a huge pit emerged at the soul’s back. 

“HEY! HEY! Are you sending me to hell just because I was an atheist!?”

“Worse. I’m sending you to your next life, but get this—” Saklas trailed off as he leaned forward, wearing an alluring grin as he continued. “—as the forbidden son of a priest. Not like you’ll remember what I said, anyway.”

“Wha-!?”

“Bye now~” Saklas kicked him off, as the aghast soul screeched as he fell headfirst into the portal.

He sighed after absorbing the remaining energy from the fallen soul. “His mana wasn’t enough.” 

They say that Death has the most troublesome workload, but Death did not have to interact with idiots for a living. Death was like a gynecologist, the moment the kid is out, they're thrown to the pediatrician. 

Saklas is the pediatrician if you did not get the metaphor. 

Saklas mindlessly chauffeured souls to their destination, not before reaping their mana as payment. An endless loop of salvation and retribution. He did not mind being unrecognized by the majority of souls he had to meet, because it was what he chose. 

After all, faith was a fickle, fleeting trait.

In return, people still chose to pursue a godless world, and he didn’t mind that. He doesn’t need to spend a mundane and repetitive task of dealing with mortal affairs on a daily basis or have to worry about whether his followers would suddenly turn away from him.

Less work for him, right?

Wrong! Even if that were the case, it also came with a new set of problems.

“My apologies for interrupting your divine duties, but a new demigod has emerged from Eden.”

“Ugh! Again?” Saklas exasperatedly stamped off the remaining soul off his list, before turning towards the anomalous speaker.

Four alabaster wings sprouted against the back of the golden wheel, signifying their rank as an Ophanim. A burning symbol of an eye wrapped in a holy golden light.

“Yobel. I keep getting this news on a daily basis. How many gods are they gonna make until their satisfied!?”

“30 demigods, Lord—”

“Do you think that was my question?” Saklas cut them off. “I’m asking what’s that cretin I sent last 25 years ago doing!?”

Yobel was silent, for they were a wise angel as a godly servant’s purpose is to carry out and cater to their master’s wish…and mood.

“Kyaa! What is that!?” 

Another soul emerged from the embers of the afterlife as they let out a terrified shriek upon seeing a freakishly biblically accurate angel.

“Oh my god! Is that a demon!?” The surprised soul added another shocking blow, stunning the angel into a disarray.

“I beg your pardon!?” Yobel’s single eye widened from horror, mortified by what the soul blurted.

“Not now!” Saklas vexedly flushed another soul towards their destination. 

Yobel’s golden light petered out upon hearing that insult. There was an awkward silence reigning between the two holy beings.

“Do me a favor and change your appearance to be more normal.” Saklas ordered.

“What’s wrong with my appearance, Lord?” Yobel asked, slightly offended.

“I wonder, if those souls you visit wouldn’t hold back their screams there must be something wrong with your angelic mein, hm?”

“Perhaps it might be because of my honorable divine status that they might be startled. I always tell them to not be afraid.”

Yobel, for they were an astute being, profoundly wracked their cosmic brain for reasons. After careful deliberation, they reasoned that perhaps mortal’s beauty standards were simplified and the lack of connection to the divine was the cause of their fear upon seeing them.

“Yes, it makes a lot more sense after seeing you...” Saklas eyed the angel after hearing their excuse. “In any case, change your appearance. Now,” He then commanded before turning his back and carrying on with his tasks.

“Like this, my Lord?” Yobel asked as Saklas turned to see their new look.

It did not change. On the contrary, they increase their ‘angelic qualities’ which deliberately made it even creepier. 

“Is it hard to create an arm and a leg!? Get rid of those eyes!”

 Yobel was silent, for they were a patient and understanding angel.

“Like this, my Lord?” Yobel asked again as Saklas turned to see their new look.

Saklas defeatingly sighed and decided to just give up after seeing Yobel’s new form. It took a lot of power to endure the squeals of souls who had encountered an unknown entity in a form that had one arm and a leg fused together. What’s even worse is that it DID NOT get rid of the eyes.

“My Lord, what shall we do about the new demigods?” Yobel once again asked Saklas, while watching him deliver souls towards their respective destinations.

The celestial orb that Saklas was holding glowed brightly, peering into its concave lenses, they both watched his recent guinea pig penitent running amok. The penitent’s fanatical supporters praising and participating in the chaos. Saklas couldn’t help but sigh in disappointment.

How many eons has he watched this viscous cycle?

“You think they might listen if I sent another oracle?” Saklas tiredly leaned back on his heavenly throne, burying his hand into his face.

“I very much doubt that, My Lord. Should we create a new world?”

Creating a new one, means the destruction of the existing one. Frankly, he couldn’t gain much power from this world since it operated purely on individualistic ideals. He watched the miserable denizen bring forth tragedy upon themselves. He would have let them destroy themselves if it weren’t for the Supreme Being’s divine order. 

“They really like the idea of a god.” Saklas said sardonically while looking down on the people beneath him.

Then, a calling. 

“Oh? What fantastic timing~!” Saklas clapped his hands excitedly as he let out a joyous laugh.

The soul who was deliberately ignored was taken aback by the unforeseen change of attitude. They couldn’t help but be smitten at the god’s euphonious voice, yet there was something chilling about it.

“Oh. You can go now. I’m in a good mood today.” Saklas dismissively waved his hand goodbye without even looking at the soul, as if he had forgotten about their existence.

“Uhm, where— AHHHH!” 

“Hell, of course!” Saklas jocularly exclaimed while opening a gate towards the malicious place.

After that short exchange, ominous thorny branches from the abysmal hell swarmed like tentacles, ready to devour as they surround the helpless soul. The soul was stricken with fear as they looked at Saklas’ tall figure for help.

“Why do you look like that? You don’t seem too happy about going to hell.” Saklas noticed this and ask.

“Who in the right mind would be happy going there!?” the soul yelled, as they scamper around, inevitably trying to postpone their fate.

“You, and other weird people. I suppose.” Saklas stated flatly. “Speak of the devil—”

The looming darkness covered the pure white plains of purgatory. An ominous rumble following a dreadful cacophony of anguished screams. A carefully crafted place catered to bring out the worst fears and nightmares inside of every single soul.

“F-Forgive me, God!” The soul’s impertinence soon changed into a desperate plea as they clung to the clean garments of Saklas, on their knees begging to be saved.

It was safe to say that the soul’s reaction to the eldritch abomination that was waiting patiently from below wearing a wide crooked grin on its face, was understandably horrified. It was a look that promised an unworldly amount of despair. 

“A bit too late for that. What did you expect? You did worship the dark lord of the underworld. ” 

“I-I did not!”

“My, my! You shouldn’t lie to a god.” Saklas shooked his head, feigning his disappointment.

“Let’s see…” Saklas swiftly flipped the orb to show an event, calmly laying his judgment. “For starters, didn’t you offer a bloodied sacrifice to the devil? You were quite a purveyor of your weird little cult.”

The soul, much to their chagrin, Saklas proudly showed their life’s worth of vice and shame within a couple of minutes. It was enough to destroy their spirit as their dread gets deeper.

“Both of us know very well why you deserve this sentence, hmm~”

“AHHHH! NOOO!!!” 

The thorny appendage reeking of burnt sulfur, wrapped around the soul’s ligaments, tightening their grip, inflicting further agony upon its prey. It emitted a sickly gross scent, enough to make gods turn away in disgust.

“Anyway, this was the result of your actions and the will of your creator. Don’t hate me too much because you’re about to have a nice warm welcome.”

Saklas shrugged while giving the soul a soft yet heartless smile while sending them to the most hate-ridden place. The soul was enthralled, almost feeling blessed by the sight of his face. It was the last beautiful thing that they saw before they were dragged as they were practically dragged into the monstrous jaws of hell.

Yobel who saw everything unfold was used to his master’s glib tongue. The two celestial being looked casually at the sinful souls that were being tortured within the pandemonic sanctuary. A rare genuine smile lit up on Saklas’ face, it was a face that indicates he was having fun.

“My Lord, I heard you have found a solution.” Yobel curiously said after noticing his pleasant mood.

“Yes, I found the perfect little helper for our problems.” Saklas merrily hummed.

“May I ask who it is, my Lord?”

“Just an old partner of mine.”

Yobel, seeing that Saklas expanded his grin further curved to an unnatural degree, concluded that everything was probably going to be fine.