AJ

Day 4 - Part 5

He walked to the front of the store to catch his breath and touched his face when he was far enough from other shoppers. Why did he feel so warm? He wasn’t mad. At least he didn’t think that he was. 

Why was he so out of breath? He was a pretty fit guy. At least he thought he was.

AJ crossed the parking lot to his car while digging in his pocket for his smokes. The rumbling of rolling grey clouds, the sound that usually brought calm through rain, was deafening today. 

It unsettled him. But he didn’t know why. Which unsettled him even more.   

Distracted, he dropped and stepped on the box of cigarettes. 

“FUCK!” he cursed, then kneeled and fumbled with the crushed box. 

A sigh of relief escaped his lips when he managed to salvage a single cigarette. AJ quickly lit it, slid into his car, and rolled down his windows. 

His mind hung heavy, like the cloud under the roof of his car and the ones above it.

With his right hand on his face and his knees drawn to his chest, AJ struggled to understand what had just happened. His face was hot to the touch, and he hated it.

He touched his lips with two fingers and caught himself smiling; quickly, he pulled from his cigarette to distract himself.

Did that count as a kiss?

When it came to Ash, he had to try to suppress his smile rather than force one, and he hated it.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Somehow, he managed to scare Ash today. AJ felt bad. He reached out because he wanted to lift Ash’s head. It looked like he was about to cry. He barely raised his hand when Ash shielded himself like AJ was going to strike him. 

Why did he think that I would hit him? 

Was it something that he said? AJ wasn’t sure, but it was too late to ask. Has someone else hit him before?

All of these incidents made him angry, not at Ash but at himself. They made him hate himself. This was all his fault. He wouldn’t feel this way if they’d never met.  If he had never grabbed his hand—

Frustrated, AJ was so damn frustrated.

For the first time in months, he went out to the store, and it turned into a disaster.

The bag!

The purchases, they were for Ash. 

His hand was starting to get infected. The last time that he changed the dressings, the skin around the gash was raw, inflamed, and red, all signs of an infection. If he hadn't spent the whole day drinking, he would have ordered the ointment yesterday. 

And the books, one of them was for Ash, the blank one. The lined one was for himself; he hadn’t written anything in ages, but seeing Ash’s drawing brought back fond memories. When he found the book and flipped through it, he debated whether he should keep it or return it.

If asked, he could feign ignorance. But he didn’t want to lie to Ash and ended up returning the damn thing. Though he did end up keeping a yellow pen by accident. Earlier that morning, he found the pen underneath a chair where Ash rested the night before. 

He clicked it a few times and somehow managed to break it. There was no point in returning it now, so AJ bought a pack of pens for Ash to hold him over until he could find a proper replacement. 

Should I get him a rollerball or ballpoint? 

The yellow pen was a black ballpoint, but that didn’t mean that Ash preferred them; they were a better choice for travel since they didn’t dry up as quickly. 

Lost in his thoughts, AJ leaned into the headrest and closed his eyes. 

The kid’s fine. Everything is fine. He’ll take everything home and figure it out himself.

Ash seemed to be the type to take the bag and return it to the rightful owner rather than keep what was inside.  AJ chuckled at the thought of Ash rushing to the Tipping Point to return some antibiotics and gauze. Items that he should use for his injury before it gets any worse.

Shit, I never told him that everything in the bag was for him! 

The car shook when he slammed the door and ran back. He crushed the half-smoked cigarette before arriving at the store. 

The sidewalk was empty, the walls empty, the streets empty, and while at first, AJ came to tell Ash that the bag was for him, it became evident that it was more than that as he frantically circled the store, wishing that he kept his last cigarette.

A numbness seeped into his chest.

I’m such a fucking coward. Why did I leave him like that?