Things had been quiet for a while. Understandably, Tim was suspicious. 

Most of his suspicions came from the fact that not a single thing had been said about his plan to quit his life of crime and get back on the road to a normal, socially acceptable existence. Tim would have been an idiot to think that wasn’t weird after the immediate complaints the day he’d made his intentions known. Hell, even Penny hadn’t said a word about it.

Granted, she was still talking about the article that had been written about her to anyone who would listen—despite it not actually helping her build up a villainous reputation—so Tim figured that wasn’t nearly as suspicious. 

Still, Tim was wary of his fellow henchmen. 

Mostly, this was because of the funny looks they kept shooting him when they thought Tim wasn’t paying attention. Of course, they were painfully wrong about that, but then they’d never been the subtlest people. More often than not, Tim just ignored them because he didn’t think they were actually up to anything. 

After all, they depended on Penny for their evil schemes. Tim thought he had very little to worry about. All in all, things were nice and quiet. 

And then, the letter arrived.

It was completely innocuous—just a plain envelope with a handwritten address in curling, black ink and an admittedly morbid seal with a skull on it. Then again, they were villains. The most surprising thing about it to Tim was that there was anyone who still wrote letters that fancy. Penny, on the other hand, looked terrified of the innocent little envelope the moment it was presented to her while she sat in the lounge watching her minions play poker. 

In fact, she nearly dropped it the moment she saw who had sent it. Instantly, everyone else in the room became curious. 

“Who’s that from?” Lina asked watching with as much interest as everyone else. 

Penny didn’t answer right away, apparently still in shock. Eventually, she regained her ability to speak and, with fear hanging from every syllable, she responded.

“My mother.”

There was silence for a moment as everyone processed the words. Then, fearful whispering broke out. Tim heard someone mention fleeing the country while Eddie from accounting was rocking back and forth in the corner. Seeing panic spread amongst her lackeys, Penny attempted to put on a brave front. It was a valiant attempt despite her shaking hands. 

“Calm down everyone, we don’t know what she wants. Maybe she wants to congratulate me for making it to the newspaper.” That was highly unlikely. 

Still, everyone dared to dream for the few precious seconds it took Penny to open the envelope and unfold the perfectly folded piece of paper inside. Her dark eyes scanned the page while everyone in the room seemed to hold their breath. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Penny neatly folded the letter up and placed it back in the envelope. She set the letter back down on the coffee table before her and cleared her throat. 

“Mother would like to visit to assess the current state of the family business.” 

The chaos that followed would only be disproportionate to someone who had never met Penny’s mother. As it was, Tim was five seconds away from packing and moving to Canada. Knowing how likely it was that her whole little army of criminals would abandon her to the mercy of her mother, Penny acted quickly to reassure them.

“She won’t be arriving for a while, at least a month, so we still have time to prepare,” she said, voice loud enough to be heard over the talking, sobbing, and general panicking. “Now why don’t you we all just settle down.”

Slowly, everyone began to calm down. Some of them had to be dragged back from their attempts to escape, but soon enough there was some measure of order. 

“That’s it, just stay calm and we’ll work something out,” Penny said in her most soothing voice. “Benny, why don’t you order some pizza for dinner? Get the stuffed crust one.”

There were some cheers and tentative smiles at that. Even Tim was feeling better at the promise of pizza. 

“Tim, Lina, Alejandro, Sam, and Eddie follow me.” Tim should have known better than to feel any amount of relief. 

Wishing he could stay behind and join the argument about what kind of pizza to get—Hawaiian? Really, Susan?—Tim dutifully trudged after Penny along with his equally miserable looking friends. 

Sam—a tall, young woman with a head full of tightly curled hair—was trying to console a panicky Eddie. Poor Eddie was a jittery guy despite his large size and was terrified of Penny’s mother for reasons Tim was too afraid to ask about. At least Lina and Alejandro seemed resigned to whatever doom awaited them. Tim admired their resolve.

Eventually, they ended up in Penny’s office. It was cramped, given how tiny the place was and how many of them were there, but Tim supposed Penny had wanted some privacy. It was still a struggle to get the door closed.

“Right, so I called you all here because you’re the most dependable and I need people I can depend on or we’re all screwed.” Tim could appreciate how Penny got straight to the point. He didn’t like what she was saying, but still. 

“Er, how screwed are we?” Tim asked tentatively. 

“Good question,” Penny said with forced cheer before turning to Eddie. Poor Eddie shrank back, attempting to hide behind Sam. “Eddie, how are our finances?” Judging by the look she was giving their accountant, Penny was hoping for good news.

“Well, we have enough to cover tonight’s pizza.” Tim had to give Eddie points for trying to make the best of things. 

Penny, on the other hand, looked to be about five seconds from bursting into tears. Impressively, she managed to steel herself and put on a brave face. 

“Right, so, we’re going to have to fix that by the time Mother gets here,” Penny said, looking thoughtful as she sank back into the worn chair behind her cluttered desk. After a minute she looked at them, apparently having found a solution to their not so little problem. “I’ve got nothing.” 

Or not, Tim thought. Honestly, he didn’t know why he’d expected anything different.

And then, Eddie spoke up. Sweet, innocent, stupid Eddie. 

“Well, there’s the Annual Villain Jamboree coming up,” Eddie said hesitantly, eyeing the others apprehensively as they desperately tried to signal to him to shut up without Penny noticing. Of course, by then it was too late because Eddie had Penny’s full attention and was therefore forced to continue. “They’ll have a competition for villains and their cohorts with a prize for the top three teams.” 

By the time Eddie finished speaking he was looking fearfully at his co-workers while Penny looked positively giddy. Tim wasn’t going to lie, he was considering throwing Eddie off a building because what the fuck had he just gotten them all into? 

Unfortunately, there was nothing to be done about it. They were officially screwed. 

“But the Jamboree is invitation only.” Or maybe not so much because there was no way in hell they would get invited. 

The others seemed to realize this as well because there was a definite air of relief. Penny, on the other hand, was right back to looking absolutely crushed. Tim could live with that if he got to keep his dignity.

“Well, how do we get invited?” Penny asked, clearly hoping for some miracle.

“The top twenty-five villains will get invitations by the end of next month.”

Tim was about to do a happy dance, dignity be damned, because they were dead last and there was no way that would change in a month. Next to him, Lina was struggling not to laugh out of sheer joy. 

“So, we just have to do something big to raise up our rank,” Penny said thoughtfully. Slowly, a smile spread across her face and she looked at the unfortunate group assembled before her. “Like get an archnemesis.”

Tim inwardly groaned. 

As far as he knew, getting an archnemesis had always been Penny’s dream. Her own mother had been notorious for having several, and here Penny was, still dealing with average cops on a regular basis. Eventually, she’d made her peace with it, but now Tim could see ambition shining in her eyes. It was terrifying.

As they walked out of Penny’s office just a short time later, they all wondered where in the hell they were supposed to find Penny an archnemesis. They all paused to smack Eddie upside the head before they trudged back to the lounge in search of food to get their spirits up. 

Tim wondered if it was too late to escape to Canada.