-Chapter 5-

The next morning, Guff awoke to a feeling akin to a hangover and trudged his way to the kitchen.

Making a pot of tea, which he was forced to drink directly from the kettle, he once again perused the apprentice application form at a complete loss for what to do.

An irritating goblin, a useless boy with a terrifying mother, or a brainless half-human half-bear with a propensity to go into way too much detail, most of which is often disgusting… what is a wizard to do, Guff sighed as his finger gently prodded the application form.

“Hang on!” He said out loud suddenly, “what’s this!?”

Guff’s eyes fell to the bottom of the application form’s fine print, which he fetched a magnifier to inspect. It read: The amount of provided financial bursary is dependent on the number of apprentices one takes, which is limited to 3 maximum.

Guff’s mouth dropped, causing his jaw to dislocate momentarily before it was slapped back into place.

“One apprentice is 300 silver coins per month, so… three is 900… 900! 900 silver coins! Oh, sweet pagan goddess! I’m going to be rich!” He shouted, waking up the next door’s chickens that had yet to rouse from their slumber.

Without thinking, and without even putting his trousers on, Guff grabbed a pen, the application form, and raced back to the government office, adding all of three youngsters information as he ran giddily and without care.

Just a few minutes later, Guff submitted the form, declaring he had made his decision.

“I must tell you, sir,” the worker said in hushed tones, “if you’re not of the trouser-wearing persuasion I don’t think I can approve your application. Placing children with someone like you would be, well, a crime against decency…”

Guff spent the next few minutes assuring the individual it was a simple mistake, and that he wasn’t a pervert, using an example of his first date during high school in which a young lady offered herself to him after a number of drinks to which he replied “a gentleman wouldn’t take advantage of an inebriated woman”, when, in fact, his refusal was more due to fear than anything else.

“I see, well, that’s fine then, I suppose I’ll take your word for it. But let it be known, someone will be coming to check up on you regularly so if there’s anything untoward going on you won’t get away with it for very long, let me tell you,” he stated firmly through squinted eyes while somewhat reluctantly stamping APPROVED on the form. 

“So, what happens now?” Guff enquired, excitedly.

“Well, we’ll complete the necessary arrangements, and the apprentices will be in touch shortly, in the meantime, you should prepare yourself in terms of what training you’re going to provide,” the worker said, filing Guff’s form away in a drawer.

“Oh certainly, certainly… and, uh, what about the, uh… m-money?” Guff asked attempting to hide his eagerness.

“That comes shortly, first, you need to complete a little test. I have to verify you are what you say you are.”

“A man? Well, I hardly feel dropping my trousers, or, well, pants, in this office and showing you what I’ve got is appropriate.” Guff replied shocked.

“A wizard, sir, show me a trick or something, got any rabbits in that hat of yours?” The man enquired.

“Firstly,” Guff shouted before quickly lessening his irritation and calming down, “we don’t do… ah what’s the point.”

Guff removed his hat, revealing a whispy bald patch on the top of his head, coughed once, closed his eyes, and reached deep into its pointed shape. As his stomach gurgled, he whipped his hand out, retrieving and showing the individual a crudely drawn rabbit picture scribbled on what looked like toilet paper.

“Is that it?” The man asked, unimpressed.

“You heard the gurgle, if you want a real one you’ll be cleaning the floor for the rest of the day, trust me, I’ve only eaten berries and grass this week so far.”

“Ok, ok, I believe you, it’s good enough for me I suppose. As long as the kids know what they’re getting themselves in for,” the man replied while rummaging through a different draw, “here you are,” he stated, plonking three jangling pouches onto the desk in front of him.

“Oh, delightful! Thank you, my good man, now, if you excuse me, I believe it's lunchtime!” Guff squealed.

“It’s barely even breakfast,” the man replied.

Guff neglected to listen as he was already on his way to The Plumbers Plunger just a few doors down.

Guff’s stomach growled as he waited impatiently for his boff steak with creamed onion sauce to arrive at his table. He had already downed one and a half pints of ale and was beginning to feel light-headed on account of his stomach having been empty for a few days.

“‘ere you are love,” the barmaid said as she finally placed his food in front of him.

Guff nodded quickly before devouring the grub with his hands in a method equal parts messy and rushed.

“You look like you haven’t eaten in weeks!” The barmaid laughed.

“Days,” he replied with his mouthful.

“Well, in that case, I’ll get you a salad as well shall I?”

“I’m not so hungry that I’m willing to repeat what happened last week,” Guff grunted.

“You wouldn’t be talking about a certain mess next to the bins that I had to personally clean up would you?” She asked as a shot of anger flicked onto her strained eyes.

“Not sure what you mean,” he replied, eyes not meeting hers.

“Very well, well, you just enjoy your meal then, seems like celebrations are in order, are they?”

“Indeed,” he replied with his mouth half-full, “I’ve come into some money thanks to the apprenticeship scheme.”

“Signed up for that did you?” She laughed, “so did we, and look what we ended up with,” she pointed in the direction of the bar where a young boy was covering himself in beer while attempting to replace a barrel. 

“Not to worry, I just need a bit of cash and I’ll be rid of them.”

“After six months maybe, didn’t you read the fine fine print? Soon as you take that money, they’re with you for at least half a year, more if you’ve taken on more than one.”

“Really?” A chunk of meat dropped from Guff’s open mouth in surprise.

“Yep, but hey, it's better than staving at least, isn’t it?”

“I… hope so,” Guff replied as a wave of melancholy washed over him.

After eating his fill and downing two more pints, Guff stumbled home and, at one point, was almost attacked by rabid dogs who found him slumped in a ditch.

“A full belly and squiffy vision’s all I need to get through the day,” Guff slurred to himself as he approached his house. 

Because of the squiffy vision, it wasn’t until he stepped foot onto his porch that he realized just outside of his house several suitcases were piled up, with their owners all waiting next to them. Stoggie, Pob, and Lilaf, seemingly already acquainted with one another, rose to their feet shouting “Welcome home, Master!” in unison.

In total shock, Guff flopped backward onto the floor and enquired “why are you here” as he fell.

“Our applications were approved, Mr. Luk, you know, for the apprenticeship, the live-in apprenticeship, Lilaf beamed as she lifted her verified certificate which clearly supported her claim.

Guff lay on his back, staring at the increasingly spinning late afternoon sky above.

“What have I done,” he muttered.