CW: Homophobia, anxiety attack
Indu stormed out of the bus, and glanced up at Sameera, hoping her eyes would burn the other girl's skin. The cool walk under the trees of her residential area did nothing to calm her down. She was only glad that her emotions had become practically imperceptible over the past couple of years. She reached her house, still in a state of frustration. Her mother immediately sensed that something was not right. Yes, her daughter wasn't exactly known for showing the most amount of joy, but today...
"Putti, enaythu?* Anything bad happened at school?"
"No, just a little more stressful and tiring day. You don't worry about it Amma." she quickly replied, further masking her emotions.
Her mother sighed. "I've made lunch for you, go freshen up and eat, okay?"
Indu nodded and went to her room. Finally, she let her anger out.
* Putti is a nickname used by South Indian parents. Enaythu = what happened? in Kannada.
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"I mean, if I'm honest, Indu is eurgh. Sometimes, her attention-seeking gets really out of hand," Sameera was ranting as she packed her bags. "I'm fed up with her, and now I have to spend a whole month acting. As. Her. Co-Lead!" The others were eyeing her with a look of distaste. Sensing this, she quickly clarified, "I've known her for quite some time, that's why I just want to let you all know about her. Just be careful - especially you, Swara."
Swara raised her brow, confused. "Thanks... I -I suppose." She responded, in a small voice.
"You know, I bet she was disappointed as hell when she came here. She would've said yes only because she wanted a new boyfriend. Poor thing would be sorely disappointed!" She laughed - and was the only one to.
Mirzab asked first, "What do you mean by that, Sameera?" He asked, in a serious tone.
"I- I mean... you know what I meant. I mean, it's not like she'd date you two - you're very obviously..." she shrugged her shoulders.
"Very obviously what?" It was Swara this time.
"Don't make me say it! All of you are in that same boat or something?!" Sameera was defensive now, and her voice was rising.
"Guys, guys, it's the first day, let's not fight. Please..." Siddhu had gone incredibly pale. He threw Sameera a defeated look.
He picked his bag up and went outside, and nearly gasped audibly when he saw Indu, who looked like she was ready to throw a punch. Swara closely followed and was greeted with a near heart attack. Indu looked at them, emotionless, and turned the other way. She went to the bus, sat in the very first row, and buried her head in a book. She looked straight down, never once flipping a page. She did not realise when the bus started to move.
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Neither did she realise when the tears began to fall. Maybe she should just accept everything said about her. Maybe she was a predator, just because she liked girls. 'Just be careful - especially you, Swara.' She didn't know why Sameera's words haunted her. Of course, when it's convenient, Sameera had 'known her for quite some time. And when it was not, she pretended like the other never existed. It was infuriating, invalidating, and made her feel lonelier than she had ever felt. She heard her mother's footsteps approaching her room. She swiftly entered the bathroom and closed the door to hide her tears.
"Kiddo, I'm going to Jayanagar* for a while, I'll be back by 7, okay?"
"Okay Amma, see you," she replied in complete monotone.
*Jayanagar here is referring to an area in Bengaluru
Indu walked out of the bathroom and fell on her bed. She did not want to study. She was exhausted. Every minute of the day, with no one to spend but herself, even in the company of others. She took a deep breath and turned around while lying down. She grabbed a book from her bag and forced herself to get up and do her work. Just as she opened her bag, her phone pinged. They had created two group chats for the play. One with Archana ma'am, and one without, naturally. Within a minute, she also got a private text from a number she did not recognise -
"Hey Indu, Swara here..."
"You seem like a pretty sweet girl, so I wanted to reach out..."
"I saw you had left your notebook, I have it now, shall I give it to you tomorrow?"
Indu sighed and responded with a thumbs-up emoji. It seemed that Swara was not happy enough with this response, as the word ...typing showed up again on the screen.
"About today... I'm not sure how much you heard, but I want to let you know that I don't intend on listening to Sameera. I'm not sure what her deal is, but nobody deserves to be talked about in that manner... I'm sorry I couldn't stand up to her at that moment."
Indu's eyes glazed over the paragraph text. She sighed. "So she's a goody-two-shoes who wants to make sure that she keeps her hands clean. Perfect."
"Ok. np" She gave a non-committal reply.
Her eyes wandered to the edge of the script sheet peeking out of the corner of a notebook in her bag. Eventually, she caved. Maybe it would make her a little happier, take her mind off things. She wasn't wrong.
The next day, Indu's sleep-deprived had deep eyebags below them. She forced herself to go to the bus stop and decided that avoiding Sameera as much as possible would be the best option. She sat in the first empty seat again, far away from the back seats, where most of the seniors sat. The day went on as usual, and Indu had no distractions, except for a couple of obvious stares from Raghav. Sameera also seemed to want to stay away from her.
On her end, Sameera too was frustrated. She had entered the class to see Raghav talking animatedly with Nur, and the name Indu was heard clearly on his lips. Sameera wondered why her warnings could not make him stop liking that girl. Raghav saw her and immediately stopped - as if it wasn't already obvious that he was talking about Indu. If she could stop her feelings at a moment's notice, what was Raghav's problem? He should feel lucky that she had chosen him out of all the boys in their school.
The tiring day finally came to an end. As the physics teacher dragged on for 5 minutes after the bell rang, Indu internally thanked her for the first (and probably the last) time. In the Commerce class, Swara was in a dilemma. She wanted to make things right. But she was neither close to Indu, nor was she brave enough to confront a girl she barely knew. The Humanities students were no less agitated about the issue. They were insulted by her words as well. "Well, I'm not going to waste my time feeling sad over someone who couldn't even use the word, gay!" Mirzab declared emphatically while packing his bags. Siddhu on the other hand was suppressing all anger downward. "We can deal with her later. Let's not fight in the first few days na?" He steered the conversation completely away from the topic. "Hey! Did you see that new movie that came out last week?" The two talked about it as they walked to practice.
They were the last ones to walk in, and both felt a chill down their spine with the hostile aura in the room. Swara lit up when she saw them.
"Shall we start?" Siddhu asked with a bright smile, trying to dissipate some of the tension.
"Sure!!" said Swara in an overly excited tone. Indu and Swara both rolled their eyes at her, irritated at her try-hard behaviour.
"Sure, we're doing scene 1 first then?" Indu asked.
"Of course, she starts with the scene she is in. So full of herself..." Sameera muttered under her breath, but it was enough for Swara to hear her. She tensed up.
They practised the first scene - which had Ram confessing his insecurities about not getting a bride to his elder brother. He did not have an inheritance of a significant part of the family estate, and no bride was willing to pay the impossible dowry their father was demanding. As they talked, they passed by a woman from a lower caste, Shanti's mother. Ram's brother throws her a dirty look when she passes by, and she immediately lowers her head and walks away.
"Could you at least pretend you have emotions, Indu?" Sameera questioned, as they practised the same scene for the fifth time, with Indu yet again delivering her lines in a monotone voice. Sameera walked away, fished a phone out of her bag and distracted herself. "If you care, let's practice the next scene then" Indu turned to her.
"Nope, I got better things to do - and I don't want to go ahead unless we are done with scene 1. So you better get yourself together." Sameera gave her her fakest smile.
The rest of the practice session was futile. While Indu's monotone had improved, it still very much sounded like she was reading her lines straight out of a book. On top of that, Sameera had not even bothered to memorize even a few lines, which meant that she wouldn't do anything either. Eventually, they gave up and were ready to leave.
Swara held her arms as if hugging herself, and approached Sameera. The latter was packing her bag and didn't notice the former behind her.
Swara cleared her throat. Sameera looked back and saw someone who looked like she was on the verge of tears.
"Sameera, I need to ask something of you..."
"Yes? What is it?" Sameera responded in a dry tone, turning back to her bag.
"You have to apologise to Indu, Mirzab and Siddhu." Swara's voice shook with anxiety.
"What? Why?!" Sameera was angered. Swara refused to move.
"You said some extremely hurtful things about Indu - you also unfairly speculated on Mirzab's and Siddhu's sexuality, when they were uncomfortable about it. Apologise to them."
'Seriously? Is she kidding?' Sameera's thoughts were well reflected on her face. Swara felt her heartbeat grow louder and louder in her head, and her hands began to tremble. Mirzab rushed to her side and held her hand. It was completely drenched in sweat. Mirzab pulled her aside just as Sameera said, "I don't think I have any need to apologise, Swara. I called it as I saw it. Not my problem that you are a complete snowflake. Look at you! Started trembling before I even said anything. Here's a tip - don't get yourself into issues that don't directly concern you, okay?"
"Could you please shut up Sameera?" Indu retorted. Mirzab was holding Swara in the corner of the room, and it looked like he was making her do some basic breathing exercises. Indu looked at Swara one last time and strode away.
"That must have been hard for you..."
"It was... I'm sorry - She's right, it was none of my business."
"No, no, no, no don't you dare apologise for holding her accountable" Mirzab reassured her as he gave a her a big hug.
"That was a very warm hug, thank you" Swara's breathing seemed much better. Siddhu approached the two carefully.
"Hey, are you feeling any better?"
Swara managed a small smile and nodded.
"Cool!! Shall we walk together to the buses?" Siddhu's contagious smile spread to the other two, and they set off, hearts heavier and lighter at the same time.
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