Chapter 18

After pacing around Avi’s room for a while whilst we chatted, I sit back down on his bed. “Have you had dinner yet?” 

Avi looks away from me, shaking his head. “Feel too sick.”

“Is that why you never eat much?” I ask slowly, chewing on my lips. Avi nods, glancing over at me. “I’m trying to eat properly. I really am. I just feel so nauseous all the time and I end up vomiting and then it’s even harder to eat at all.”

My heart aches for him so I move a little closer, giving him a small smile. “Have you tried going to the doctor about it? They can probably prescribe you some kind of pills that reduce nausea or something? My friend uses motion sickness patches which apparently help?” I suggest.

Avi slowly glances up at me, before shaking his head. “I hadn’t thought of that before…I was just living off smoothies until I felt well enough to eat proper food.”

“How long has this been going on?” I ask softly, not wanting to push too far. But at the same time, if it’s been a while, then this really has the potential to develop into some kind of habit. 

Avi looks away from me, sighing. “On and off over the years, since my parents died. But this particular time…since the first week of school. In that biology lesson.”

Fuck. That’s practically the whole time I’ve known him - it’s been two months since then! We have to find a way to reduce his nausea. 

“Will you come with me? If I go to the doctor about it?”

Glancing up at my friend, I nod instantly. “Of course. We can ask Amelia to help organise an appointment?” She’s, obviously, very good with this kind of stuff, so I really think living with her will help Avi. I really hope so, anyway.

Avi doesn’t need fixing, or anything ridiculous like that. But he does need a little help, a little nudge in the right direction. It’s clear he’s dealt with a lot of hardship in his life, and it’s great that he’s made it this far alone, but now…now there are people in his life who want to help, who could help. And I think Avi is ready for that help, now.

“Yeah, that would…that’d be good. Might as well try and make things easier for myself, right?” He says quietly, looking a little unsure of himself.

Avi just needs help. he’s already having therapy and that’s a great step in the right direction, but if I or anyone else can help him continue taking more steps, then we’ll all gladly do so.

I just want to help Avi, if he’ll let me.

—————

-Avi-

Amelia was really glad that I was willing to go to the doctor’s to talk about my nausea. She hadn’t wanted to suggest it before, worrying that because I already saw myself as fucked up, that going to the doctor would make those views worse.

And maybe it would have, a few weeks ago. 

But not anymore.

I have so many problems that I need to help push along, so if this is something I can do to help myself, then I will. This is the most motivated I’ve ever felt, when it comes to getting better. I feel so hopeful this time, and…less stressed.

It’s still awkward, living with Amelia and Ben. But Chester comes over a lot for our study sessions, and I went with Ben the other day to get his car fixed, and we had a talk. Nothing serious, just random small talk, but it was nice. He’s friendly and excitable, and is always smiling. 

And he loves Amelia so much. It’s really sweet to see, and I’m happy that Amelia and Ben have each other. 

I like being here.

It doesn’t feel like home, because nowhere does without my parents, but I definitely feel better than when I was staying with Sam and Joyce. I’m still in contact with Sam, and he does mean a lot to me. He always did whatever he could for me, and although it didn’t end well, he’s a good guy.

And he was like a brother to Dad.

Amelia and Sam explained the situation to the school, saying that I was going to take a few days off intermittently, when I needed the time to settle in to a new place. Again. But Chester, Jeremiah and the guys all brought me notes and the homework from any lessons I missed, which helped me to not fall too far behind.

I’m serious about actually putting the effort into my studies again. I still get some sense of satisfaction from making notes and learning them, even if my reason behind doing so is different now.

But that’s ok.

Therapy with Amelia has helped so much. It’s not like I’m in a great place mentally, but it’s definitely getting better. 

I’m getting there.

—————

“You’re sure you’re ok with it? Mom and the boys won’t be here for too long, I promise. And if it’s too much we’ll just kick them out,” Amelia offers, smiling a little cheekily. Alison, Jeremiah and Chester are coming over for dinner, and the idea of that was stressing me out a lot originally, so Amelia told them not to come.

But then I changed my mind.

And I told her not to cancel. 

Since going to the doctors about my nausea, I’ve been trying a whole array of things to see what helps. I have these patches to stick on my neck which seem to do the job pretty effectively when I’m just hanging out, not doing anything in particular. And then I have some pills to take just before I have a meal, and they help as well.

And therapy helps too, since it’s all the shit in my life that causes the nausea anyway.

Taking a deep breath, I give Amelia a super quick squeeze that sort of counts as a hug. I just want to show her that I’m grateful. She’s helped me such a lot already, and despite my thoughts’ best efforts to make me feel like a burden, Amelia and Ben have never done anything to make me believe those thoughts.

Still have them, obviously, but I’m working on it. I’m working on a lot. I want to get better - I want to feel better, but it’s a long and hard process. It’ll take a long time, but at least that’s something I have now.

And I have support. Good support. Unconditional support. Amelia and Ben are great, but Jeremiah and Chester have been invaluable too. Jeremiah has always made sure to keep me in the loop with the other guys, and we message a lot even when there’s days I can’t make it to school. 

And then there’s Chester.

He’s just been…

Great.

Comes over to visit me almost every day for our study sessions, and then he’s been slowly encouraging me out of my shell and out of the house, hanging out around town instead.

The only slight problem at the moment are my feelings for Chester. I’ve been trying to ignore them, pretend they don’t exist, thinking of all the many reasons why I shouldn’t and don’t have a crush on him, and oh look - none of that worked. I still like him.

Fuck. 

I like him. 

It’s not just a crush anymore, which means that I have to actually accept how I feel. It’s not like I have anything against Chester - there’s nothing wrong with liking him, obviously, but the problem is that I shouldn’t be the one liking him.

But why?

No idea. I just shouldn’t. I’ve got too many issues, too much extra shit which he really doesn’t need to deal with. And he has been anyway, because he’s an incredible guy who has helped me come such a long way.

But there’s such a wild difference between being friends with all this, and being in a relationship with all this. And he definitely wouldn’t want to date…this. Me.

He just wouldn’t.

No one in their right mind would.