I wake to animal skins that had blanketed me since childhood

The cushions flatten by pillow fights and falls 

Familiar smooth stone walls

Mini carvings right where my sister and I had left them 

For a moment I wonder where she is 

The hand I use to reach out 

only to find cool untouched sheets where I didn’t touch 

And then It chokes me 

Grabs my lungs and vocal chords 

Squeezing them too slowly to kill me 

but enough to leave me soundlessly screaming in pain

It forces me on my side

Crushes me into a tight ball 

forcing my nose to touch the fabric on my thighs

And the faint scent of home and her

gentles the hold It has on me

Not all the way

No

It still leaves me in pain

And I think It always will

But for right now It keeps an arresting hold on my neck

Nails scratching my throat and leaving me gasping 

But the Grief finally slackened just enough to where I can breath in the scent 

With every inhale 

I feel the closest I’ll ever get to her from this day forward

Every exhale 

the reality sets in that one day I probably won’t be able to recall it 

But for now I have it 

For now all I can do is breathe

Just breathe 

-

I wake again this time

The pain automatic and present from the moment i opened my eyes 

I don’t know whether I like this better than the ambush or if it’s worse

The pain isn’t dull 

Not by a long shot

But I can finally focus on something that shouldn’t have escaped my attention

My eyes

Or rather what my eyes see

I don’t know if it’s Light-sickness 

or some sort of change triggered by the stress of yesterday

But all the colors are off

I’m seeing combinations that not even dye masters have created 

Oranges and yellows

Those names are whispered in my mind 

My eyes distinguishing 

The most peculiar blues and greens

Even colors in between 

Hues that haven’t been seen in generations

Centuries even  

Shades and tints we thought were lost to the ages 

It feels like everything I’ve been seeing was distorted

Like the skins on the bed

I always saw them as teal and brown

But now they’re what a book of my grandmother had described as 

Cobalt and lavender 

And I know it’s the same skin I was offered as child

There on the corner is the the ink stain I accidentally caused and the the clumsy attempt at embroidery we tried stitching over it 

The stitching that we saw as teal to match are now a shade of that cobalt 

A nagging inkling is on the tip of my tongue 

but a muffled cry forces me to swallow it back

I quickly pad to the door

My sore legs are buckling right from under me in my haste

Aunty!

Run through the doorway to wear the sound is coming from 

The gathering space

I see her trembling as I did yesterday 

Before I open my mouth I hear male’s voice 

Aunty I’m so sorry, we found your son lying in the field. We think the light got to him before he could find shelter.

And my daughter?

In the confusion, the Cats took her.

I think this is the moment that solidified this new awful reality

People always want to talk about giants falling 

Watching their muses turn into mortals 

But what about a strong woman in tears?

The most horrific sight to gaze upon

A proud woman’s eyes welling is like lead sinking in your stomach

Pulling at your being 

Weighing down the spirit 

Every drop a cut  

Beginnings of lacerations that will never fully heal

And I can’t look away 

Not for long

Who could do such a thing

To divert one’s eyes would be a slap in her face

To look away from the pain of one who’s bore your pain

It’s disgraceful 

Dishonorable

So I look with tears of my own 

I can’t help but gasp as her eyes touch mine

I don’t know what to do or say

What she seeks out as our eyes lock 

Is it comfort?

Compassion ?

Empathy?

What can my mere givings soothe what has made a cypress bend? 

But I still step forward 

My grandmother had the wisdom

Wisdom my sister learned in words and deed

But I 

As I always did 

Only had my heart to guide me 

My heart opened my hands and held hers 

My heart laid my forehead against hers 

My heart opened my lips to sing the song of remembrance 

I may have had no meaningful words of my own 

but I will never forget my grandmother 

telling me to seek comfort in the ways of old 

And if my words held no wisdom I know theirs did 

So I sung 

I sung softly but sure as I looked into her tearfilled eyes 

I could see It had grabbed her lungs and chords too

So I sung for the her and her children

Towards the end she had joined me and the next part 

I fell silent and only bore witness

She began to rip at her clothes and scream 

From her head to her feet nothing was left intact 

When her breasts came free she clawed at them

Tears and ichor beginning to mix 

She continued until the clothes were nothing but scraps 

Her voice but a croak 

Grief sticking to her like a cloak 

Splatters of blood and skin turning cold like her own flesh

And when she stopped all movement that was the cue to take over