I let myself into Cooper’s apartment, then paused when I saw he was just sitting in his chair by the window. Usually that was an indicator that he was reading, but not today. He was curled up, not doing anything at all, his face buried in his knees.
I was pretty sure this was instead an indicator that he’d had a bad day and was feeling depressed. I closed the door softly and came over to crouch next to the chair.
“Hey, what can I do to make it better?” I gently petted the top of his head. “Need a hug?”
He considered for a moment, then crawled out of the chair and pulled us both upright so he could wrap his arms around me and hug me tightly.
I rested my cheek against his head and just held him, willing to stand there as long as he needed.
“Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m having a bad day,” he burst out, to my surprise. “I just am and then I hate it that I can’t even think right. I mean, most people can do that much at least, right? But I can’t even manage that. And then I realize that’s just making it worse and I’m frustrated about that, and then it just – makes it all worse.”
“There’s nothing wrong with feeling depressed or dealing with depression,” I told him gently. “And you’re not doing something wrong because you struggle with that. We don’t condemn people with cancer for getting it or not healing themselves, do we? The same should be true with mental illnesses. And if you need help dealing with it, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. We don’t expect people with cancer or a broken leg to heal themselves. It’s not a weakness to need help dealing with mental illnesses.”
He thought about this for a bit. “You think I should see a psychiatrist?”
“If you’re comfortable with it. Sometimes therapists or psychologists, psychiatrists, whomever – they can offer some help. Teach different ways to think, sometimes provide medications if people need that help. It’s not required when dealing with a mental illness, but…well, like I said. If you get physically sick, visiting a doctor is normal. Mental illness honestly should feel the same way.”
I rubbed his back with one hand. “You’ve been dealing with a lot of things on your own – the loss of your family, abandonment by your biological parents, loneliness – all of these things are pretty big. I’m not saying you need to go see someone, and I will support you no matter what you choose – if you just need me to sit here and say nothing, I’ll do that, or listen while you rant, or distract you with reading, I don’t care. But if you want to see someone, I’ll support you for that, too.”
He tilted his head back to look into my face. “You just act like it’s so normal to just…unreservedly support me.” He didn’t seem to be complaining, though.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having depression any more than there’s something wrong with having a heart condition or cancer.” I shrugged. “I’d be there to support you no matter what. You’re my friend and I plan to be there for you however you need me.”
“You’re really nice,” he mumbled, his face turning red again. “I’m not used to it.”
“Then you haven’t had good friends.” That was already established, to be honest, given the way his friends apparently kept abandoning him.
He sighed a little and buried his face in my chest again. “Why are you so okay with me using you for hugs and cuddles all the time?”
“Eh, I like it. It’s okay to just need a hug or a cuddle from someone you’re comfortable with, who’s comfortable giving them to you, and I am. Plus, you know, I like you.” I deliberately ran my thumb across his cheek gently, reminding him with the simple touch that while we hadn’t revisited that topic, I hadn’t changed my mind, either. “And if it’ll help you, I’ll do whatever I can.”
He sighed deeply, contentedly. “This helps a lot. I haven’t gotten to cuddle people in a long time, not since Sean, I guess, and it just…feels nice.”
“Well, good.” I rested my head against his again, about to suggest we go sit down on the couch when my eyes fell on a letter on the windowsill. Curious, I reached out to pick it up, my eyes widening as I skimmed the contents.
“Is this what made you feel depressed?” That didn’t make sense – the letter seemed like good news.
He glanced over his shoulder to see what I was talking about, then shook his head. “No, I was having a bad day already, but then they gave me that, and I – I just didn’t know what to do.”
I pulled him over to the couch so we could sit down, tilting his chin up so I could look into his face. “It sounds like a great career opportunity. Branch manager of two locations? I guess that would be a lot of work, but don’t you enjoy your job?”
He shrugged a little. “I like my work, yes, and it is a good opportunity, but….” He bit his lip, briefly drawing my attention there before I made myself look in his eyes again. “I’d have to move,” he pointed out abruptly. “The offer’s in Avenglade, not here. I don’t know if I want to move.”
He’d already moved once for work and I didn’t see him being that attached to this town, which meant his hesitation probably had to do with me.
“Cooper,” I told him gently, “if you move it will not affect anything with us, okay? I know, long distance relationships can be harder, but don’t forget, I have a plane – I can come see you easily enough. We can still game together, maybe set up nights where we watch the same movie and talk about it over the phone. I can even read to you over the phone if you want. We can make it work. I’m not going to forget you or fade out of your life if you move.”
The anxiety filling his face told me I’d guessed correctly. “But that’s what people always do!” He sounded agonized. “They promise they’ll stay in touch, but when time passes they just…stop. Slowly. They don’t mean badly, they’re just busy and I’m out of sight so they just forget to answer. But it always happens!”
“It won’t happen with us,” my tone was more firm this time, trying to convey my own conviction. “I promise. I’ll fly out every weekend if you need me to. I don’t want to stand in the way of your career, but I am not letting you fade from my life, either. I fully intend to keep you in it, we just might have to figure out exactly how things will work.”
He frowned abruptly, looking frustrated. “Don’t you get tired of having to reassure me constantly that you won’t disappear? I feel like I would.” He looked dispirited, sinking back towards depression.
“No.” My answer clearly surprised him, his large brown eyes pulled back up to meet mine in shock. “I don’t take it personally,” I explained. “I know you’ve dealt with losing friends and family and you have fears associated with that. With abandonment. I know I won’t abandon you, but I get it if it takes time for you to learn that. I will keep telling you I’m staying as many times and as long as you need, and no, it doesn’t bother me. I know you’re trying, and that’s all I’d really ask.”
Tears filled his eyes and he buried his face in his hands. “You’re so nice to me and I don’t want to risk losing that!”
I scooted forward so I could pull him into another hug. “You won’t be,” I murmured gently into his ear. “I promise. You can call me, text me – whatever you need. I will always answer, okay? I mean, sometimes I might be in the middle of a flight so I’ll have to get back to you later, but I will always get back to you later. You living further away won’t change anything.” I ran my fingers through his hair. “Do you want to take the job offer?”
He paused, then nodded. “I like my job,” he whispered. “And Avenglade is supposedly better for supernaturals than here. But I can’t risk – I don’t want to risk losing you.”
“Cooper, take the job.” I took his face in my hands, trying to share some of my confidence with him. “I know you feel like it’s a risk, but I can promise you, it’s not. I’ll prove it to you – if you just give me a chance.”
He searched my eyes, biting his lip, then slowly nodded.
“Okay, I’ll do it – but please,” he begged, “don’t forget about me.”
“I could never do that. How on earth could I forget about someone like you?” I tapped his nose, making him wrinkle it in surprise. “You make me happy, Cooper, I am not interested in losing that, either. Distance won’t change anything, I promise.”
“I hope you’re right,” he whispered. He was trying to believe me, I could see it, but he was struggling.
No matter. I saw this as a chance to show him what I meant, that even distance wouldn’t change anything. He couldn’t chase me away that easily.
Cooper was 100% stuck with me whether he liked it or not.
~~~~~
I rested my arm across the back of the couch, then surreptitiously slid it down so it was resting on Cooper’s shoulders. Apparently not subtle enough, because Cooper glanced at my hand resting against his shoulder, then, to my relief, sort of snuggled into my side instead of moving.
As I’d predicted, Cooper’s move didn’t change much. It wasn’t easy to just drop by his apartment at random now and we texted more than we used to, but otherwise, things were about the same. We still did online gaming while talking on our headsets; watched movies together; and read books together. Sometimes we did these in person when I flew out to visit him, which I tried to do at least twice a month.
Cooper was enjoying his new job and liked his coworkers. He had also started seeing a fairy doctor for treatment for depression. He seemed to be doing better and kept me up to date on how his sessions were going. I hadn’t said it, but knowing that he’d seriously considered suicide made me really want him to get some help, so I was relieved he was talking to someone now.
And since we’d now settled into a routine, my mind was going back to our unresolved question that I’d offered to him. Maybe I should just let him bring up the subject again in his own time, but…well, I also kind of wanted to remind him that the offer was still on the table. If he was interested.
Cooper’s eyes were fixed on the screen and I considered for a moment before sliding my hand up his shoulder to his neck, where I gently ran my fingers and thumb across his skin before sliding my fingertips under his collar along his collarbone. Nothing too risqué, but a hint of something more than friends.
Cooper apparently got the hint, because he slowly turned to look at me. “Tommy?” He whispered.
I winked at him. “Look, I know I’m leaving it up to you whether or not we try dating, but I am still interested, you know?”
He blinked and swallowed hard. “I – I am, but I’m just – ”
“Scared?” I finished for him. “I get it.”
He groaned and dropped his head back onto my shoulder, pausing the movie as he did. “I wish I was braver sometimes.”
“Well,” I pointed out, “your past experiences haven’t helped much. Your boyfriend split when he found out you were a supernatural and your girlfriend just dated you for you to buy her stuff. For what it’s worth, I don’t need you to buy me stuff and I’m a supernatural, too, so that part definitely is not an issue for me.”
Cooper thought about this for a bit. “Have you ever dated anyone before? I feel like you’re more experienced than I am.”
I shrugged. “I dated a guy a while back, and I thought things were going pretty well, but it turned out he was cheating on me. Or, to be more accurate, he was cheating on his fiancé with me. We’d been together for about six months, so it was kind of a shocker when I found out.” I’d been pretty pissed off, too, but I also felt stupid because here I’d been serious about the relationship and he’d just wanted to have a side fling. “I’ve had a couple of short-term relationships since then, but nothing serious. Like, we just planned to be together over the summer or something, a deliberately temporary relationship. For the record, I don’t want a short-term or temporary relationship with you. I want something permanent. I know I was kind of joking about getting married, but I’m kind of serious about it, too. I’m up for that, but I won’t ask you – if you decide we should date, I’ll leave that in your hands so when you’re ready, you can ask and know I’ll say yes.” Or…was that too serious for the context? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that last bit. I wanted him to understand how serious I was and how committed I was, but that could come across as kind of nuts given that we weren’t even dating yet.
Thankfully, he seemed unbothered by this suggestion, but he did look thoughtful. “What would dating you look like?”
“Depends on what you want. What we’ve been doing, but obviously some flirting. If you’re comfortable with it, hand-holding, hugging, cuddling, kissing, sleeping together at some point, probably. We would set the boundaries of what we’re comfortable with, like whether you’d prefer to have me ask before kissing you or holding your hand or if you’d be fine with me doing that whenever I felt like, as long as you weren’t clearly not up for it.”
His face got a little red, but he still seemed to be willing to have this conversation, which was something. “What would you want as far as all of that?”
“I like cuddling, so yeah, more of that,” I answered instantly. “Kissing, too. I’m fine with PDA but I also get that some people aren’t, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t want to have sex immediately, especially since you have some reservations about this. Otherwise, I’m probably game for pretty much anything.”
He considered this for a bit, biting his lip – man, was that distracting – before reaching up with his hand to rest it on top of my hand that was still on his neck. “I…want to try,” he admitted after a pause. “I can’t say I’m not scared, especially because if it doesn’t work out I feel like losing you would be awful, but – well, if it did, it would be pretty…perfect.” His face got redder, down to his ears, even. I was fascinated. “I’ve really hoped to maybe have someone someday to share my life with, and you – well, we already like a lot of the same stuff, and you’re easy to talk to, and I really, really want for it to work out because I feel like it’d be pretty much perfect if it did, so I want to try.” He took a deep breath, then turned to look at me. “I would like to date you, Tommy.”
I smiled tenderly, then leaned forward – giving him plenty of time to move if he wanted, but he didn’t – and gently brushed a kiss onto his lips. I didn’t want to scare him, so nothing too intense or passionate, but enough to taste his lips and feel his mouth on mine.
“Then if you don’t mind,” I murmured softly, brushing my fingers gently across his jaw, “I’m going to start referring to you as my boyfriend.”
He nodded a little, but his eyes were on my lips, which I took as an invitation to keep going.
Apparently it was the right assumption.
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