Why...

How...

I changed my number. I only had his saved so I would know if he called and I could ignore it.

“Where did you get this number,” my voice cracked. I looked up and realized that Lucas had taken to pacing the room like a caged animal, a look of concern and frustration becoming permanently etched on his face.

Leave me alone.

“You don’t ask me questions, Adrian. Or have you already forgotten the rules? Where are you? How could you leave me again? I love you. I’m the only one who loves you remember?” James responded the edge of his voice cutting into me like a knife.

Stop.

The air had escaped from me before I had the chance to answer a single one of James’ questions. Lucas crossed the room in a second and pulled the phone from my hand.

I lost the will to stand and hit the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest, my head resting against them.

I'm so stupid.

I thought I was free.

I thought this was done.

I want to be free.

The tears hit, and I sat there silently crying, listening to the rage that was ripping through Lucas' throat.

“Stop calling him. Do you understand? If you call again, I will kill you,” Lucas yelled into the phone.

I could feel him staring at me, his eyes burning into the top of my head.

"What the fuck did you do to him," his voice was quiet, filled with rage.

I could hear James' deep laugh through the phone, and I froze. It sent chills down my spine. James was pissed.

“Oh. I see he found a replacement, did he? Ask him what happens to little boys who disobey? Once you get the answer call me back. I would be happy to come and get him. Oh and let me ask you this. How do I taste on his lips?” James laughed out, as the phone went silent.

Don't ask him that.

Lucas is too good.

He doesn't need to know the filthy things I've had to do for you... shut up... shut up... shut up.

I squeezed my nails into my knees, my crying silent, as tears soaked into my sweater.

“You motherfucker!” Lucas whispered out before realizing James was no longer on the phone.

I could hear the anger in his voice and then a crashing sound. It took me a second to process that he launched my cellphone into a wall, the sound of it shattering the suffocating silence that had filled the room. The once happy moment between us was dead.

“Adrian...,” Lucas managed to choke out, dropping to his knees in front of me. All the bravado and contempt in his chest that had so easily risen to the surface, was gone immediately as he sat there, “I think… Adrian, I think I broke your phone.”

I couldn't respond. I couldn't do anything but cry. No sound escaped my lips, I had learned to cry without making a sound.

I could sense that Lucas was reaching for me and I panicked.

“No! Don’t touch me! Stay away!” I smacked Lucas’ hand away. Jumping up, I quickly ran from the room, out of the front door, and finally came to a stop at the gate, my legs too tired to take me any further.

I held firmly to the gate to try and gather my composure. I only have 2 real options: Stay and explain to Lucas what had brought me to this point in life, effectively ruining whatever relationship that we could have built, or...

I could leave.

Going back to the streets meant risking my safety, but Lucas would be safe. No pain could come to Lucas if I wasn’t there to cause it.

“Okay. I’m leaving. I’ll keep him safe,” I whispered to the heavens. Stealing my resolve, I finally turned back to the house. This was the correct choice and that's when I realized that Lucas had been watching my internal struggle. 

Beautiful, unbroken Lucas.

Every step towards the house was agony, knowing that this would be the last time I would enter the house. This was the only way I knew that would protect Lucas from the pains that I had to suffer.

Pushing past Lucas, I rushed into the house, determined to get what little I had and leave. I knew that Lucas would try and stop me, and as soon as I reached my borrowed bedroom, I locked the door. 

A sigh escaped me as I gathered the clothes from the night I came to Lucas’ home and put them in a bag from our shopping trip. Taking a quick look around the bedroom, I finally found what I was looking for: the receipt. Placing it on the dresser, I muttered out loud, “Well at least he can his wasted money back.”

The words barely had the time to leave my mouth before I heard the bedroom door swinging open.

“What do you mean ‘wasted money? Where exactly are you planning to go?” Lucas asked, a rusted key hanging from his hand.

“Anywhere. Anywhere you aren’t,” I did my best to avoid looking in Lucas’ eyes, and my eyes landed on the key in his hand, “why do you have that?”

“I’ll tell you later, but Adrian. What did I do?” Lucas blurted out, his hand tightening around the key before he took a hesitant step into the bedroom.

Listen to me for once.

Someone, please listen to me for once.

I held my hands out in front of myself, a reflex leftover from being with James and I stared at Lucas' face.

“No. Stop right there. Please don’t come closer. You didn’t do anything. I am chaos and heartbreak and you have suffered enough pain without trying to save me or heal my heart."

“You can’t leave. You’ll… please. Can we just talk? Tell me what James meant by ‘little boys disobey?’ What did he do to you? What did he mean?” Lucas stuttered out his questions in a hurry, but I realized something.

He listened to me.

For the first time in my life, someone listened to me.

He never got any closer.

“Look, please do this for me. I’ll go downstairs to the kitchen. I’ll wait until you’re ready to talk to me. All night if that’s what it takes. You do whatever you need to gather your thoughts, and when you’re ready… that’s where I’ll be,” he finished his sentence with a shrug, closing the door behind him. 

I walked forward and pressed my forehead to the door and I could hear Lucas say, “Adrian I know loss and pain, and I think I understand how you’re feeling. I’ll tell you everything that’s happened to me if you can just come downstairs. I promise you. I will not judge and I will not turn my back on you. I will wait. I swear it.”

I could hear his footsteps head down the stairs and I stood there, my forehead pressed to the door.

I knew it was time to make a decision: to be open and try to heal or to leave and keep Lucas safe from pain. 

What the fuck am I supposed to do!

I closed my eyes and softly banged my head against the door.

I know the answer.

I don't like it but I know what I have to do.

With a ragged breath, I turned and walked to the bathroom. Locking the door behind me, I took a good look at myself in the mirror.

My eyes were swollen from crying, and my tan complexion was gone, replaced by the pale, pastiness of fear. I pulled my shirt off, once again catching sight of the scars that covered my chest, stomach, and shoulders, each one a reminder from James of what he claimed I did wrong.

I know that once he sees my scars and knows that they were all my fault, he's going to ask me to leave. I deserve that. But... after that phone call... Lucas deserves to know the truth. With a heavy sigh, I stepped into the shower, effectively removing myself from the outside world.