I wiped my face quickly and looked up at Lucas, before taking a deep breath and continuing, “I have to finish this. James brought someone else home. I wasn’t enough for him anymore. Almost 18 and not enough. I reacted in a split-second decision. See, I had been getting ready to cook him dinner when he stumbled in, his arms wrapped around someone else. I had a pan in my hand and before I could control myself, I struck James in the side of the head."

I took a deep breath and stood.

Slowly, I started pacing the kitchen, and my eyes landed back on Lucas, “I don’t remember much after that. I remember hitting him, then a lot of yelling, a sudden pain in my chest, and then darkness."

Steadying myself, I reached down and pulled my shirt off dropping it to the ground. I lowered my gaze.

I didn't want to see Lucas' face when he realized how disgusting my flesh was.

From the bottom of my collarbones to the top of my thighs and across my spine, I was covered in scars, reminders of mistakes I had been convinced that I had made. None paralleled the deep, knotted scar situated in the middle of my chest.

I tapped the knotted scar and sighed, “This was the final reminder that I don’t know how to do what I’m told. According to the hospital, James had barely missed my heart trying to defend himself. They believed every lie he fed them. They decided not to prosecute me when my age was revealed, they said I had acted in a weird form of self-defense. I stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks, until I was strong enough to be released. I turned 18 lying in a hospital bed. I spent a few more months at Anna’s apartment until James came to collect me again. He knew she banned him, but James is smart, worked out her schedule, and came when she wasn’t home. He had a key it wasn’t difficult for him to get in. The minute I realized who had entered the apartment I climbed out onto the fire escape. I couldn’t go back to him, Lucas. So I ran away, lived on the streets for a while, and he had found me again so I ended up at the party we met at, and here we are. I’m guessing he got my new number from Anna. She was never great at hiding things from him. Look, I don’t know where we go from here, but that’s what made me who I am now. I am a mistake, I will only make mistakes, and those mistakes will never be able to be forgotten. Lucas, you can save yourself. You are loved, let yourself be loved. Forget about me, I’m just a wreck."

For the first time in my life, I felt light. Weightless. I had needed someone to know what happened to me, I just wish it hadn't been the beautiful man, with the emerald eyes and a smile that could rival the sun.

I kicked at my shirt on the floor and turned back to look at Lucas, “That’s all I had to say. Someone needed to know the truth. I’m just sorry it had to be you, Lucas. I appreciate the hospitality but I’m not supposed to be here. So this is goodbye."

“Goodbye? No that wasn’t the agreement Addi. You have to listen to me now to know one very specific thing: I am all kinds of fucked up. You can’t just drop this all on me and leave."

Lucas jumped from his seat and started walking toward me.

“Stop. Don’t come closer,” I shook my head, taking a step back.

“No. I will listen to you any other time but not this one. I am going to hug you and I need you to let me.”

“Lucas-,” was all I managed to mutter out before finding myself wrapped in his warmth.

It was overwhelming.

“Hush. Don’t talk. You’ve talked enough okay? Please just listen,” Lucas whispered, pressing his lips to the top of my head “You have been used. You have been hurt, and you’ve been convinced that it’s your fault. Adrian, you are the one who decides who you want to be. Not your parents, not James, and not me. It’s up to you. But letting your past be what solely defines who you are is no way to live. You’re just hiding your true self that way. I can’t fix you,” Lucas sighed, pulling back to look in my eyes “but I can be by your side while you fix yourself. I can be there at your new highs and your deepest lows. I have to fix myself too and I will do it right alongside you if you will allow me.”

The sincerity in his words caused pain to swell in my chest. I had spent so long building up a wall to keep everyone away. My heart ached in the most bitter-sweet way and I had to look away from his gaze.

“I can’t be good to you Lucas."

“I never asked that of you. I just want you to find who you are and let me be there for the journey. I need you to be here for me, and I am selfishly asking you not to leave me alone in this giant house. I will ask nothing of you but to stay. How do you feel?”

How do I feel?

I looked up into his eyes and shrugged.

“Scared. Confused. Another thing I can’t define right now, but I won’t leave. I’m not sure why I’m staying. I’m not any good for you.”

“God stop, please. I am not asking you to be good to me. I am asking you to learn to be good for yourself,” Lucas punctuated his sentence with a kiss on my forehead.

“Okay. I will do what I can. But, Lucas you owe me.”

“What could I possibly owe you?”

“A new phone,” I laughed, unable to hold it in, “and your life story to pay back the emotional vomit I just spewed all over the kitchen.”

Lucas started to laugh, a whole-body chuckle that shook me.

He was beautiful when he smiled and even more when he laughed. His face would light up, his eyes crinkled at the corners, and his laugh came from deep in his throat.

“I don’t want that to change,” I said pointing up at Lucas’ smile.

“What?”

“Your smile. I don’t want to be the reason you lose it.”

“You won’t be. Learn to trust me on this.”

“Okay. Sure Luca,” I pulled away from him slowly, turning to hop up on a counter.

“God were you raised in a barn? Get down from there.”

“Not funny. I just like sitting on counters,” I stuck my tongue out swinging my legs.

Lucas crossed the room and slid between my legs, his hands resting on my knees.

“It’s fine. I like it."

I softly laid my hands on his and ran my thumbs across them.

“Luca… shouldn’t I be sad? Crying?”

“No, not really? You’ve been holding all that pain in here,” Lucas poked me gently in the chest, “And it was finally time it came out. It’s probably the feeling of relief. That emotion you couldn’t name.”

I nodded and reached up, resting one of my hands against his cheek, slowly rubbing small circles. I followed my thumb with my eyes, tracing his freckles, “You don’t have to tell me anything until you’re ready okay?”

“Thank you. You’re stronger than you probably think you are Addi,” Lucas turned his head and gently kissed my palm, “So where does this leave us?”

My breath hitched in my throat, and I had to pull my hand back, running it through my hair, my fingers catching on the knots in my curls.

“I don’t know. I thought I was leaving. I was sure you were gonna call me a monster when I took my shirt off. It’s down to my thighs Luca, how can you stand to look at me?”

“Addi. Did you not notice the other day?”

Before I had a chance to respond, Lucas had removed his shirt as well and turned his back to me. From his right shoulder to his left hip, Lucas appeared to have been stitched together.

What.

No.

What happened to you?

I reached out on impulse lightly touching the skin, before removing my hand quickly.

“I am so sorry I shouldn’t have-,” I quickly stuttered, my hand hanging in the air.

“No Addi it’s fine you're allowed to touch me,” Lucas interrupted me, turning around, “I’m not ashamed of it. It’s part of me now.”

“What happened?”

“Addi. I would love to tell you. However, it’s 6 am, and while I can miss a class I can’t take another day off work and some sleep would do us both some good.”

“But… yeah okay,” I responded dejectedly, my head dropping slightly.

“I can make you a deal, however,” Lucas reached out and gently lifted my chin forcing me to look him in the eyes, “If you are here when I get home from work it will be my turn to tell you everything.”

“Deal,” I softly leaned into Lucas’ touch, “Hey Luca?”

“Yes?”

“Can I sleep in your room?”

“Yes,” Lucas confirmed with a smile.

I hopped down from the counter quickly and, taking Lucas' hand in my own, pulled him up the stairs.

The tension and fear from earlier were left behind to settle within my worn-down diary and our forgotten shirts.