Chapter 2

  It’s Friday, 5:56 p.m. and I’m standing outside of the clinic. In less than five minutes I should already be inside of the common room, sitting on a chair among the other group members and silently preparing for what I’m going to say and which information I’m ready to share.

  But instead I’m here, standing in the cold mid-autumn evening weather, dressed in a black hoodie with the cape thrown over my head, with headphones playing rock music and a worried look written all over my face. I’m stressed about what I’m supposed to say there, about what the others will say once I reveal my dark secrets. I’m disgusted about this entire situation and wishing I could take it back. But of course, I can’t.

  I agreed to both doc Pembley and my dad that I’m gonna try this thing, even if it feels uncomfortable or useless.

  I look at my phone and suddenly realise I’ve been standing here and thinking for almost nine minutes. Fuck, do I have to be late for everything?

  I open the door with all the energy I have left and head towards the left door with a green sign: Common room. Alright, it’s now or never, I think to myself, but somehow I can’t bring myself to open the goddamn door. It’s like if the handle was on fire, I simply cannot lay my hand on it. Come on, you can do this.

  I gather every piece of determination and push the door open. When I look up, I see a small room with eight chairs in the middle, shaped as a circle. In the room, there aren’t many windows but it’s still very full of light. Next to the door, there is a coat hook almost full of jackets and coats. The room is already full.

  On the chair closest to the door there is the counsellor of this support group, Miss Angela Hopkins. She’s an LCPC - Licensed Clinical Professional Counsellor. I haven’t really met her yet but I know she works in this clinic and from what doc Pembley says, she is highly skilled in her department. 

  On the other six chairs there are people I’ve never seen before, a young woman most likely in her thirties, a man my dad’s age, other two females, a guy probably as old as me and a black man in a suit.

  They all look at me as I enter the room and look a bit confused. I realise just how late I am and immediately take my headphones off and put them in my backpack. Then i take off my coat and hang it on the coat hook.

,,Sorry I’m late, I couldn’t find the clinic.” I lie carelessly and start walking to the only free chair left in the room. 

,,It’s alright, we all make mistakes. I believe your name is Theodore?” Miss Hopkins asks me patiently as I sit on the chair. I nod and look around myself. Everyone around me looks…damaged, like they have their own stuff going on, like they know what it’s like to feel broken. But most of them also look quite balanced, as if they already accepted the real truth inside of their lives. Not as if they were okay with it, but more like used to it by now. 

  You’ll get used to it, that’s what I always used to tell myself when I was younger and less damaged than I am now. But the truth is, I never did. 

  ,,So, now that everyone is officially here, I think we can start with today’s session. As always, the first session is more of a meet-up for all of you, a time for you to say something you want about yourself and share your problems. Here, we never judge. I hope that’s clear. Now, if I may ask you to take this small label, write your first name on it and then put it somewhere on your chest so that everyone can see it.” She gives me a  label and a red marker and I write my name on it and stick it to my hoodie. 

  Once I’m done, I look up and read all the labels: Agatha, James, Eloise, Farah, Harry and Payne. On my label there’s just Theo, because I wasn’t able to put the whole name in.

  And so we start. We introduce ourselves one by one and with every passing minute I learn something new about these people who are complete strangers to me. For example, Agatha used to live in a household with her abusive father who beat both her and her younger sister. James was a really bad drunk a few months back but is now straight after rehab, Eloise used to self-harm because of her bad depression, Farrah used to get racist insults and severe threats because she’s Arabic, Harry’s father is a drug addict and Payne simply has a very bad relationship with his ex girlfriend Keira. 

  Every single one of these people has a different story and yet they all seem to somehow understand each other, as if they’ve gone through the same in their lives, as if their problems somehow connect.

  ,,Theo, now it’s your time to say a few words about yourself.” Miss Hopkins gives me a very supportive look and pats me on the back. I  take a deep breath, lick my lips and begin.

,,Hi, my name’s Theodore and I’m here because…I’m here because, I- actually, there isn’t just one reason to why I’m here today. First of all, my mum died when I was thirteen, she uh- she killed herself. I also have an amputated leg and I suffer from PTSD and anxiety. At least that’s what my therapist says.” I say while looking at the floor. And as uncomfortable as it might have been, I can feel something inside of me move. As if I was relieved that I managed to say all this to those people. To people I barely know and see for the first time in my life. It’s strange and weird, being so straightforward and sudden, but also kind of good to have done.

  ,,Thank you for sharing your experience with us, we all appreciate it. Now, since we’re past the very first part, I suggest we make a little break and then continue. Let’s say ten minutes, okay? Feel free to go outside if you feel like that’s what you need.”

 I stand up and reach for my phone to see if my dad’s texted me or not. He was supposed to let me know when he was gonna come pick me up and drive me home. When I look at the display, I see a reminder to study for my Biology exam tomorrow and my alarm set for 7.00 in the morning but no new calls or messages. I suppose he just forgot or is too busy to call me. I try to convince myself.

  Suddenly, I see a new message: hey there Kiddo, I'll be waiting outside the clinic at 7.30.

  I smile lightly and the put my phone back to my pocket.

  After a few seconds of just standing there I start walking and head out of the building. I need air. I need to process everything that just happened. But as I’m trying to think and simply take time just for myself, I hear someone walk out of the door and then straight next to me.

  It’s the guy whose father is a junkie, Harry. He’s tall and tanned, with short light brown hair and dark blue eyes. When he gets closer, I even notice he has freckles all over his cheecks and his nose.

,,Hi” He says awkwardly. I’m not even sure he’s talking to me.

,,Hey.”

,,You’re Theodore, right? You’ve had quite an introduction there, let me tell you.” He lightly smiles into the air and still doesn’t give me even one of his looks. It’s kind of frustrating. It makes me wanna punch him in the face. Another arrogant jerk, I think to myself.

,,Yeah well, not everyone can be lucky enough to have two happily living parents," I return the punch.

  Nothing, no reply. Just silence. I stare into the ground and think about what I just said, or why I said it. He may have a mother who's alive but he has a pretty complicated relationship with his dad who I guess wouldn't win the Father of the year award.

,,I..uh, sorry. I didn't-"

,,You know, next time you should think before you say something."

  He scoffs, turns around, opens the door and leaves. Maybe if I weren't such an asshole, I might have made myself a new friend, yet all I managed to do was push him away. 

  Well, shit.

,,So, what do you think, is it worth it?" My dad suddenly asks as he's driving me back home on this cold autumn evening.

,,I think it’s too early to tell, the first meeting was mostly about introductions and stuff."

,,Does this mean you're actually considering it? You're not immediately distancing yourself from it? Wow, that's just amazing Theo, I'm proud of you," he laughs happily and rubs his hand through my hair. He always does this whenever he's feeling good about something I did. Whenever he's proud of me.

,, I’m not saying I love it or anything, all I’m trying to say is that maybe there is a possibility that it isn’t the worst idea…” I look away with a visible smile on my face. Even I am feeling good about this. This might have actually been a good decision.

  Once we arrive home, I head straight to my room and dad goes to the kitchen.

,,What d’you say, should I order pizza?” He shouts at me from behind the fridge door enthusiastically.

,,Yeah, sure.”

  In twenty minutes we’re already sitting on the couch eating pepperoni pizza and watching lacrosse. I don’t like lacrosse or football or any sport really, but I watch it since my dad loves it. He’s a massive fan and watches every game of both lacrosse and american football.

  We talk about group therapy, football, school and my mental health. We talk about all the things I wanted to talk to him about but never got the courage to do it. We even talk about mom for a while. It’s like she’s here with us, listening to our conversation and laughing at every bad joke dad makes. It’s like she knows, like she never left. 

  And for the first time in a long while I feel almost happy. As if there was nothing my life was missing, as if I‘ve already had everything life has to offer.

  After a really long time of sitting there dad gets up and goes to the bathroom. I lie on the couch and take my phone out of my pocket and look at the display. 1 NEW NOTIFICATION - _just_harry  has requested to follow you.

  I open the app and look at the account of this person. And when I open it, I see it’s no one else other that that Harry, the one from the group therapy.

  I sit up and hold the phone with both of my hands. Why the hell would he want to follow me after what I told him today? 

  And so I just sit there and stare at my phone, clueless and confused. I look at his account and search through his posts. Nothing extraordinary, just photos of his friends and family, a video of his really cute dog and a selfie of his younger self. He’s much better looking now, I think to myself. 

  And then I simply do it, I accept his follow request and start following him as well. Nothing personal, just me being polite.

  My dad suddenly appears next to me with a glass of water in his left hand. He’s still smiling, just not as much as before. I instantly hide my phone behind the pillow and look at him innocently. 

,,Not to be a strict father or anything buddy, but it’s almost eleven. Don’t you have school tomorrow?” He raises one eyebrow and gives me one of his weirdly curious looks. 

  I nod, stand up, reach for my phone and head to my room.

  My room here at dad’s is slightly bigger than the previous one, definitely better looking and a bit lighter. Everytime I come here, I feel like I’m home, like this is the place I’m supposed to be. Maybe it’s because I got to design it myself with no one standing behind me just to remind me that my ideas are too irracional and impractical. 

  I sit on my chair which is part of my really good looking computer setup and I look at the window. The sky is spread with stars and I can even see the moon when I lean a little forward. Beautiful. I’ve always liked looking at the night sky, it brings me peace, it makes me wanna live.

  I take out my phone and open it. The first thing I see is Harry’s profile. I look away from the phone just to assure myself of the thing I’m about to do and I open our still empty chat and I start typing:

 Hello.

  Once I’m ready to send the not so long message I just wrote, I take a deep breath and hit the send icon. As it is, I immediately start regretting my decision, but before I manage to delete the text I just sent I notice a new message in our chat, only this time from him:

Hi :)