As Ash walked through his front door all the feelings of dread and oppression and heaviness came rushing back. He hadn’t realized how light he felt with Jaxon until the weight of the world came crashing back down on his shoulders and his chest physically began to ache. Jaxon had sent him off with a long hug and both made sure to program their numbers into the others’ phone. Jaxon waited until the door was closed behind Ash before he started driving away, taking note of the address in case Ash ever needed him to come back in a hurry. He was not happy to have left Ash at all, but something was lingering in the back of his mind to not leave Ash alone with this Stephen fellow. Ash reassured him on the drive back that they were nothing more than friends and that Stephen knew he was uninterested, but Jaxon was uncomfortable with the idea of any other alpha being alone with him- with Ash. “I’ll check on Ash when I get home,” he thought to himself as he took the turn off the main road towards his cabin. He was glad he insisted Ash kept his sweater. He wanted Ash to stay warm, yes, but the fact that his pheromones would linger on Ash’s skin would serve as a message to Stephen that Ash was definitely not interested. “I hope I can see him soon,” Jaxon thought, already missing the feel of Ash’s small hands on his own and his soft silky hair on his cheek. Jaxon’s thoughts continued to be on Ash as he arrived home, and parked the truck. “Everything ok?” He texted Ash as soon as he was inside. Jaxon didn’t want to appear needy, but he wasn’t Ash to know he was thinking about him and was concerned for his well-being. He just had to make sure he wasn’t too overbearing - it’s been a very long time since he’s had someone he cared for so much and he’s never felt this kind of pull towards anyone before. Whatever this bond was, was incredibly precious like a spark that just lit the kindling. Jaxon would have to be especially careful to tend this relationship without letting it burn out of control and turn into a wildfire. He waited patiently for Ash to respond to his text. After a few minutes three small ellipses appeared on his screen and the message, “so far so good,” relieved the small anxiety that had coiled in his chest. “Okay,” he thought, “he is home and safe and his family knows he’s with Stephen so they’ll make sure he’s alright.” With that, Jaxon began to make supper and picked up the book he had been reading the day before, ready to settle in for a quiet uneventful evening. 

“He already texted me,” Ash thought to himself with a grin. He didn’t mention anything out loud, but walking away from Jaxon was almost physically painful. It was as if all the joy he experienced throughout the day was suddenly taken away from him and all that remained was the scared husk of a person he had become over the past few years. As if all the potential happiness he could see with Jaxon was now nothing but a faded memory that was already lost to time like a sepia photograph left too long in the sun. The edges were tattered and the glass was clouded, but the person inside was still trapped in that moment, unable to move forwards or back, unable to move away from the current weight of the world. Ash felt that meeting Jaxon finally gave him the ability to move again - to breathe despite his lungs no longer wanting to function. He held Jaxon’s sweater to his nose and inhaled deeply, reminding himself that everything did indeed happen and that this wasn’t some medically induced vision. The rustic smell of cinder and sap enveloped his senses and in a way grounded his mind, reminding him that he was resilient  enough to get through this night and stand his ground. His parents have been pushing him to mate with Stephen ever since they learned the alpha was interested in their son. Ultimately, they can’t decide his fate for him otherwise his parents would have married him off back in high school. Thank goodness he was able to get away to college and develop some sense of self before being forced back into the box he was born into. Although his self-esteem never improved throughout college, Ash did logically understand he was worth more than his genders. He was grateful to be able to work and have some choices, but the thought of being tied down to this one community for the rest of his life was terrifying. It reminded him of a poem he once read online:

Life shall end,

Flowers wither,

Water dries,

And one day Earth shall die.

All will be ashes to ashes, 

And dust to dust.

Everything lives,

And everything dies,

Better to kiss your happiness goodbye,

And don’t you dare cry,

For life is nothing but ashes and dust,

And to ashes and dust it will return. 

Ash couldn’t remember the name of the author, but he remembered the poem because the notion of things being the same with or without him in life truly resonated with him. The idea that one day his body will return to carbon and become one with the earth as if his life was a flame that gradually extinguished over time brought him comfort. The notion that he was part of something larger than himself even if he was ignorant to what it was almost acted as raison d’etre - it gave him a purpose, especially one outside of the stereotypical box he had been placed in since birth. Ash wanted a family and a mate, yes, but more than anything he wanted to know what it was like to live. He didn’t want to move right out of his parents house into an alpha’s house just to be knocked up and raise children so he could live vicariously through them as they explored their interests and the world. He thought going away to college would be enough to satiate this craving, but what little he did see of the world was nothing compared to what he knew Jaxon could show him. In just one day, Jaxon had changed his outlook. That gentle giant was patient and didn’t mind that Ash had to touch every plant they encountered or that he randomly remembered and spoke prose that different colors elicited. Jaxon had held his hand, and held him close as he explained why it was that he hurt himself and he didn’t deem Ash beyond help or crazy or simply “imaging things'' as his teachers had done before. There was one counselor in high school that noticed Ash’s scarred wrists and rather than help him, they told him to stop being such an attention seeker and to hurry up to class so he can make something of himself. Needless to say, it left a bad taste in his mouth whenever it came to so-called authority figures.

As Ash walked through this house towards his room, he noticed no one was home. When Jaxon dropped him off, he knew his parents were out because their blue Honda civic was not in the driveway. Unfortunately, as they passed Stephen’s house down the street, the yellow Chevy Camero Stephen always drove was in his driveway meaning he did not forget about their so called “date,” like Ash had been hoping. He quietly made his way through the dark home and reached his room, closing the door firmly behind him. The last time he was here was days ago and he had decided enough was enough. He truly didn’t think he would see his room again. He had cleaned the best he could, arranging his books and making the bed. It had taken him hours, but he even wrote out a suicide note to his family letting them know things would be alright and that he knew he was more a burden than a blessing. He left it on his desk with the table lamp facing the paper as if signaling anyone nearby that this message was worth paying attention to. As he walked in his room now the desk lamp was off, and the paper covered in his heartful pain and tears hadn’t been touched. The realization hit him like a suckerpunch, “they didn’t even realize I was gone,” he thought in agony. The resulting pain took his breath away. It was as if his chest was slowly being crushed by a vice that simultaneously took his breath away and sapped his body of energy. “I would still be out there if it wasn’t for Jaxon,” Ash thought in horror as he slid down the door with involuntary shivers taking over. He wrapped his arms around himself, biting his lower lip to keep from whimpering in pain. He gripped his wrists viciously, beginning to scratch and tear at the wounds Jaxon had so precariously tended to. As Ash’s thoughts began to spiral, thinking the last few hours were indeed an illusion and that he was probably still dying in the woods he felt something vibrate in his pocket. He ignored it at first, but the buzzing didn’t stop and finally he pulled his phone from his pocket and looked at it with annoyance. His hyperventilating and panic easied slightly when he saw the message “Jaxon '' appear on his phone. “He cares,” Ash thought to himself desperately. “Jaxon cares about you,” he reassured himself again, before clicking on the text messages waiting in his queue. 

 “Sorry to bother you,” the first one started, “I just wanted to know when I would see you again. I know it's only been an hour, but it feels so different when you are away - like it’s harder to breathe if that makes sense.” Ash understood immediately that Jaxon felt the same way he did when the two parted ways earlier. “Please give me a call when you are done talking with Stephen tonight,” the second message began, “I just want to make sure you are okay and if I’m being honest I really want to hear your voice.” Ash was shocked. This was the most Jaxon had communicated in one sitting since they introduced themselves. “He cares about me,” Ash reminded himself again. The third message Ash had to read twice before its contents began to sink in. It said, “I know we don’t know each other very well, but you’re already so special to me and there’s so much I want to learn about you. I hope tonight goes how you want it. Even if it’s tough I hope you will talk to me about it. You have a beautiful voice. It reminds me of the songbirds that nest in the woods during summer. I’m rambling now, so I guess I’ll start some dinner. Have a good night Ash. Call me if you can.” Ash was beyond stupefied. In person Jaxon was exceedingly quiet and in the entire time they had been together he had uttered maybe two dozen words. In the virtual world - in text - it was like Jaxon was another person. Sure, Ash was able to decipher some of Jaxon’s emotions from his facial expressions, but he just received an entire string of consciousness and he was ecstatic! Not only was he able to confirm that the strapping handsome man who saved his life likes him back, he now had a way to truly communicate with him and hear his thoughts. It was the shining beacon Ash needed just as he was about to spiral out of control all over again. Wiping the stray tears from his cheeks and catching his breath for a few minutes, Ash began to type back. “Thank you for texting me,” he began, “it absolutely makes sense. It felt like I was pulling at a thread tethered to my soul. I’m glad you felt it too. I want to learn more about you as well. Your favorite book, what you like to cook, how you learned to garden - there is so much to know! I think Stephen will understand when I tell him I’m not interested (again) and hopefully our families will finally drop this silly notion. I don’t know when I will see you next, but I will try to call tonight. Thanks again for caring.” Ash’s thumb hovered over the send button, wondering if it was too much information too soon, but adrenaline and courage pushed him to hit send. He didn’t even have to wait two minutes before the three ellipses appeared indicating Jaxcon was writing a response. Before the reply appeared, the front door bell rang and there was a sharp knock. “Shit,” Ash thought to himself, “Stephen was here.” Ash quickly shoved his phone into his pocket and rubbed the tears off his face harshly. He had no idea what kind of state he was in and he was still in the clothes Jaxon lent him that morning. The thought that he smelled vaguely of Jaxon left a small grin on his lips as he hurried down the stairs. Ash didn’t realize it, but the days of sleep did wonders for his complexion. His usually pallid skin was now smooth like porcelain, his shiny hair was glossy, and his eyes were twinkling. Despite bawling his eyes out for the past twenty minutes, Ash’s face was still gorgeous and the slight redness on his cheeks acted like rouge, defining his high cheek bones even more. A second ring and knock sounded as Ash rounded the corner to the front door. Just before reaching the door, Ash took one more deep breath, inhaling Jaxon’s scent from his sweater, the aroma providing Ash with the needed sense of calm he desperately required. Just as the third bell began to ring, Ash reached forward and opened the door, pulling it in towards his small frame. On the other side of the doorframe stood a tall, aloof man, with a near menacing grin. “Ashton,” Stephen said with a sly grin, “I’m so happy to see you.” With that Stephen walked inside and slowly closed the door behind him, shutting the small omega inside with the big bad wolf.