“The changes will be subtle at first.”

She wasn’t listening, staring through the wall of glass at the city below. She’d lived here more than half her life and had never seen it from this perspective.

“Anna, are you okay? You seem distracted today.”

Anna turned toward the man, impatiently tapping his pen against his notepad. The rhythm was out of sync. One, two, three-and. One-and, three, four. She always noticed these things. The tapping would eat away at her and she would have to fix it. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. This was the only way it could be. And she would repeat it over and over to be sure it was right.

But today was different. She still had the urge. She could feel it clawing at her from somewhere in the back of her mind. She could hear the voice telling her it was wrong. Telling her to fix it, control it, make it right. That something terrible could happen if she didn't. But she knew that voice now. It spoke, she listened, and she didn’t obey. She didn’t have to.

“I’m sorry," she replied with a smile, wondering if the tapping was a test or he genuinely couldn't hear the difference. "You shouldn’t have such a beautiful view. I’ve never seen Chicago from this high up before. It’s mesmerizing.”

He let a grin escape and folded up his pad, placing it and the pen on the small table next to him. Then he reached out and placed a hand on Anna’s knee. For the first time, she allowed it.

“I was saying that the changes will be subtle at first, and some days will be better or worse than others. But your therapy is going well. You've already made great progress.”

He removed his hand and leaned back before it could trigger her. Anna was grateful for that. Things were definitely getting better, but she still struggled.

“Sorry I was so distracted today. I’ll be better next visit.”

“Just take it one day at a time," he insisted. "Ten years of fear won’t go away overnight. But you’ll get there.”

“Yeah, I hope you’re right." She swallowed the uncertainty, sitting a little straighter in her chair. "No, I know you’re right. Always stay positive, isn’t that what you told me? I am more than my thoughts. I can choose how I want to live.” His warm smile and confident words used to seem condescending. Back when the fear controlled her. Now that smile was comforting. “So, same time next week?”

“Same time next week. Do you have a ride home?”

She gave him an eager nod. “My brother is waiting for me. We are going to try a walk in the park.”

He stood and escorted her across the room. He didn’t hold out his hand to shake goodbye. Instead, he reached to open the door. Cutting him off, she grabbed the handle herself. Slowly twisting until the latch was free, she pushed forward.

“See you next week, Anna. And remember, it's okay to go slow. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's not about fighting with yourself, it's about accepting yourself.”

Anna nodded and turned. She walked through the office lobby, opening the door to the hall, then to the stairwell, then to the building lobby – door after door until she was outside. The sun shone down on her as she walked across the sidewalk to the curb. She took in the smell of the city. The car exhaust, the hot pavement, the trash bin near the door. She reached out and pulled at the car handle, swinging the door outward. Leaning down, she carefully slipped into the passenger seat, shutting the door beside her.

The fear was still there. She could feel it warning her of the dirt, the disease, the danger. It whispered to her all of the horrific things that could happen if she didn’t comply. She didn’t respond. She had seen the world beyond the fear and it would not control her anymore.

END