Chapter 3

  It’s been almost two weeks since my first group therapy. I’m not sure if it’s making any huge difference or if it even has a meaning but I haven’t complained about it so far. My relationship with dad is pretty good and we’ve been spending some quality time together quite a lot often. He even took me to this park my mum used to take me to when I was little. I may be sixteen now, but it still brought me joy, mostly because of the fact that I could feel a small connection with my mother again.

  ,,Hey, pal, are you even listening to me?” William asks me from like a ten-centimetre distance. He’s really the only friend I have here at Westside. He’s always been.

,,Yeah, I just zoned out for a bit…what were you saying again?”

,,I was saying that on Friday there’s this party at Lucas's house. We comin’ ?”

,,Oh, I can’t, but if you want to, feel free to go!” I bump into him with my right shoulder and smile  at him.

,,Why not? I thought your dad wanted you to socialise a bit…” He gives me one of his rare eyerolls and turns away. I can’t blame him. It’s been a really long time since he invited me somewhere and I agreed on participating. But this time it’s different, I’ve actually got stuff.

,,Group therapy, sorry,” I try to whisper as silently as possible but he still manages to hear me say the words.

,,Group therapy? I thought you didn’t-”

,,Shut your mouth! Nobody needs to hear it.” I raise my eyebrows and look around the room to run a quick analysis. Thank God, looks like no one heard it.

  ,,Sorry brother, but how long has this been going on?” He asks with his eyes wide open at me.

,,Two weeks. I know I should have told you, I just had a lot on my mind.”

,,Yeah, I understand,” he’s always nice to me, always understands me in every way. ,,It’s okay brother, it really is. I just need to know; d’you wanna talk about it?”

,,Nah, I’m fine.”

,,Okay then, the party is on Friday at eight p.m. so come if you have time.” He pats me on the back and starts packing his bag.

,,Sure, thanks.”

  I sit on my desk as he takes his bag and leaves the class in a hurry. He’s running late, just like always. I form a smile revealing all my front teeth and come back to what I was doing originally.

  It's Friday, half past six o’clock and I’m currently sitting outside of the clinic on a bench trying to sort out all of my thoughts and clear my mind a bit. The first part of today’s meeting is over and now it’s time for a short break, as usual.

  Today we were talking about nothing else than our childhood traumas, so that was pretty hard and challenging. On the other hand I’m actually beginning to believe that this whole group therapy meeting is working, maybe not a hundred percent, but I feel like I’ve become a little more self aware ever since I started going here. I also enjoy spending time with those people there, they all seem okay. But Harry seems the closest to me, probably since he’s my age. I don’t know why but he simply gives me a safe vibe whenever I’m around him. 

  I also later found out that he doesn’t care about what I said to him two weeks ago, when we first met, which also gives me a feeling he might not be such an arrogant jerk after all. Perhaps we’ll be friends one day. We’ll see.

  ,,Hey.” Speaking of the devil, I think to myself and chuckle softly staring somewhere ahead of me.

,,Hi, I’ve just been thinking about you, how funny is that?!” I immediately realise what I’ve just said and look away trying to hide the blush which is now all over my cheeks. I laugh nervously thinking he’d forget about what I just said. 

  But he doesn’t. He just starts laughing intensively as if he was laughing at me and sits right next to me.

,,Wow, that- that sounded worse than I thought.” I try to fix the situation naively.

He leans towards me and whispers: ,,So you’ve been thinking about me huh?” He places his hand at my shoulder and gives me a rather seducing look. I have no idea what’s about to happen.

,,I knew you had a crush on me from the first moment,” he whispers even closer to my ear and then looks at me, expecting feedback. I immediately get goosebumps and shiver through my entire body. This feels kinda uncomfortable considering all the bullying scenarios which happened in the almost identical position as this. And I don’t want to go back there.

  He suddenly starts laughing again and quickly brushes his hand through my hair. 

,,You’re an idiot.” I reply to his weird act and start laughing with him.

All of the sudden my phone beeps a little and I look at the display:

Will-16: Are u coming to the party later?

finding_Theo: Dunno yet, I’ll talk to dad and then I’ll tellyou

I type fastly and then look up at Harry just staring at his feet. He looks lost in his own thoughts. At first I’m not sure if I want to do what I’m about to do, but then I realise it might just be a good new experience for me. And maybe it’ll bring me something in advance.

  ,,Listen, what are you doing after the group meeting? My friend just texted me that there’s this party in one of his friend’s house so I was wondering if you might wanna go. You know, to hang out outside of this fucking clinic.” He lifts his head and looks at me with happiness and gratitude. I can see he’s more than happy to hear it.

  ,,Yeah, sure, I’m totally free after this.” He gives me a friendly nod and I repeat the gesture.

,,Okay then, let me just call my dad to see if I can go or not.” He looks at me with a very weird expression on his face, as if he wasn’t used to these kinds of things.

  But then I remember that his father is a drug addict and most definitely doesn’t discuss with Harry where he can and can’t go. I also realise that I know nothing about his mother but instead of asking him uncomfortable questions right now, I search for dad in my contacts and start calling him.

  An hour later I’m already sitting in my dad’s car with Harry in the next seat. He looks nervous from just being in our car with my dad behind the driving-wheel.

,,So, Harry, Theodore tells me you two met at the group therapy?” Dad looks into the reflecting mirror at Harry and then at me. I can see Harry playing with his fingers.

  ,,Let’s not talk about group therapy, dad.” I say before we change the subject to something more comfortable for all of us.

  Once we arrive at Lucas’s house Harry thanks my dad for driving him and then gets out of the car. I take my stuff and open the car door trying to go as well but before I manage to do anything my dad stops me.

,,I know you’re reasonable enough not to get yourself totally wasted but please don’t be an idiot and don’t try any drugs and don’t get yourself killed.”

,,What? No, I’m not gonna drink…”

,,You and I both know that this party stinks of alcohol and there’s nothing I can do to change that. And since I’m not some uptight strict parent I’m not gonna ask you not to take a sip of a goddamn beer, I just don’t want you to end up drunk and fall unconscious, okay?” I look at him and nod in a very obedient way and then I finally open the door and get out of the car.

  Harry’s already standing on the sidewalk waiting for me to show up and leave my dad’s car. So as soon as he drives away, Harry comes a little closer to me and says: ,,Hey, thanks for what you said in the car. I don’t want you to think I’m some kind of emotionally damaged person who can’t stand a little tuff talk about the not so happy things but-”

,,It’s okay.” I interrupt him and pat him on the back. He lets out an awkward laugh and then we continue to the house.

  The entire place is full of teenagers, drunk people my age and young lovers kissing each other wherever it’s possible. I cannot say I identify with these people but honestly I feel like I deserve to have some fun tonight, and so does Harry.

  After we get into the house all I can hear is extremely loud music and really bad singing. There’s smoke everywhere and every table is filled with cups with God knows what. Well this is definitely not my cup of tea, I think to myself as I’m walking through the house behind Harry who has offered to go first himself. 

  ,,Are we looking for anyone specific or are we just ‘exploring’ some random person’s house?” He asks from behind his shoulder.

,,We’re actually looking for my friend Will, kinda tall, dark hair and brown skin…” I say while looking all around the place not even focusing on where I’m going. But that’s what I have Harry here for. 

  ,,Wow, with a description like that I’d say there’s at least ten Wills in this room.” He starts laughing and I just hit him playfully in the back and shake my head in disagreement.

,,There he is!” I suddenly raise my voice and head to Will while I can still see him.

,,Theodore! You fucking made it brother!” Will shouts at me and gives me an intense hug. I want to get out of his grip but he’s probably so drunk already he’s not even conscious anymore. 

  ,,You okay?” I look at him closely and wrinkle my eyebrows. ,,You look kinda pale.”

,,What? Nooo, I’m totally fine brother, I promise.”

Just as I’m preparing to grab him and take him to one of the bathrooms he turns around to the kitchen sink and throws up. It actually lasts kind of long, as if his body was trying to get out everything he ate and drank for the last three days.

  I want to get closer to see if he needs any help but he suddenly straightens his body and walks to me with the words that he’s not feeling so good and that he should probably go home.

  I ask him if he needs me to call him a taxi or find him a bus but he just says he’s gonna call his uncle to come pick him up and leaves the house.

  Well, that was interesting.

  I look around myself and notice I lost Harry. Where the hell did he go?! I quickly search the whole room but I can’t see him anywhere so I go to the stairs and head upstairs. 

  But he isn’t there. He isn’t anywhere. He disappeared and now I’ll never find him again.

  I take out my phone and text him:

finding_Theo: hey, where are u? I kinda lost you lol

  I just stand there and hypnotise the display of my half cracked phone but there’s no reply.

  I look around again in case he only went to the bathroom and then showed up again but he’s just gone. Maybe he just had to leave and forgot to tell me, or he didn’t see me, I say to myself with a comforting purpose but it doesn’t help even one bit.

  It’s now ten p.m. and I’m walking through the streets of Manchester, mostly wandering around trying to find Harry or finally get in touch with him. He hasn’t texted me since and for the first time I’m starting to worry if by any chance something bad happened to him.

  The streets around me are empty and calm and the moon it’s full moon so the sky is pretty light and beautiful. There aren’t many stars but just the look on the dark colour in the sky makes me feel less stressed.

  While I’m walking on one of the more familiar streets I notice a black silhouette somewhere in front of me, probably in the middle of the road. 

  I have no idea if what I’m looking at is a person or an animal or something completely different but I continue walking towards it to look for my own self. As I’m getting closer I can tell that what I see in front of me is definitely a person, but who it is I can’t tell just yet.

  I start walking even faster but now as I’m closer to that someone I see that they’re not just standing in the middle of the road, but they’re now scrambling to the ledge of a bridge which is built over the river Irwell.

  I immediately start running thinking they’re about to jump down, not giving a damn about my leg or the fact that I’m extremely exhausted and feel like my head is going to explode.

  Once I get close enough I can finally tell that the person standing on the ledge is really Harry. I cannot believe it. But also I can’t just let him jump, I know I can’t. 

  ,,Harry, NO!” I start screaming at him but he doesn’t turn around or give me any sign of response. I feel my hands shaking and my eyes slowly filling with tears. I can’t see it again, I can’t let it happen again in front of my eyes. I know for sure that this time I wouldn’t recover from it. Not again. Not anymore.

  The second I’m near the bridge I drop my bag along with my jacket and start running in his direction trying to get as close to him as I can. He isn’t moving and looks like he’s in a limbo.

  I hardly get up on the ledge and step right next to him, trying to catch his attention. But now that I’m so close I can see why he hasn’t responded in any way. He has earphones playing some really loud music and his eyes are closed. I can see he’s in visible pain, his cheeks are all red and wet from tears and his hands are shaking. And all I want to do is help him.