Rattled, Katsuyuki flicked open his lighter and brought it to the cigarette hanging from his lips. The sun had just begun to crest over the horizon, basking the city in a hazy golden glow. Back again in the cool, still air of the early dawn, the view from this balcony had become one of unpleasant association; a place of painful, reluctant contemplation.

These fucking dreams. He inhaled deeply from the cigarette, tensing his shoulders to steady his frayed nerves. They had to stop.

Poor Yuanfei had no idea.

Katsuyuki released a guttural sigh of anxious frustration. It had been so vivid that even now it felt like a real memory. The weight of his body straddling his own; soft, warm skin under his fingers, as he'd caressed and squeezed his thigh; deep, rhythmic breaths, a faint whisper of a moan in each heavy sigh...

God. It had been so real. If ever he'd wondered how Yuanfei's body would feel under his touch, his subconscious had convincingly served up a near-perfect facsimile, down to the smallest sensual detail.

But the fear... That was just as visceral. Yegor's large, rough hands grabbing his throat, pressing hard into his skin as his starved lungs burned with frightened, panicked gasps.

So real. And by now, so familiar.

Loathe as he was to acknowledge it, this wasn't his first dream like this; far from it. And they usually followed the same thread: Yuanfei, fully cognizant of his allure, toying with Katsuyuki as a hapless, pathetic slave to desire. No matter how much he resisted, Yuanfei seemed to know he'd always get him in the end, and reveled in the game - slowly, sadistically unravelling Katsuyuki's pride until he submitted to his shameful urges.

The location varied: sometimes, like last night, it was simply a bedroom with an unlocked door. Other times, though, it was far more absurd and embarrassing. Dreams of boardrooms, interrupted by Katsuyuki's desires projected live on-screen for all to see as he squirmed in his seat in a humiliated hot flush, unable to clear his dirty mind. Dreaming of Yaobudo matches, even; grappling on the mat, Yuanfei would tease a reaction out of him, pressing his body against Katsuyuki's, in front of a sneering crowd that delighted in his perverted disgrace.

No matter where, though, there were familiar faces in the end. Someone sinister was always watching from the shadows. Most often it was Yegor, face twisted into that awful grimace of primal anger, who would be the one to catch them. His sudden aggression would jolt Katsuyuki straight out of those nightmares just as large, outstretched hands grasped at his neck. There were other witnesses, on occasion. Sometimes it would be Maya watching with gleeful scorn, barely able to contain her excitement to tell all to the rest of the family. Just like her bitch of a mother - another frequent guest in these dreams - she would certainly jump on such a chance to get him disowned by their father, no matter how cruel the means - and as the favorite child, she would easily be able to convince him.

And sometimes, his father, with a look of pure, visceral contempt, would be there to bear witness first-hand. He would just watch, motionless, face frozen in sheer revulsion, at his son's hideous secret.

He had been there last night - standing in the doorway as Katsuyuki squirmed under Yuanfei's body.

These fucking dreams.

Perhaps worst of all was the betrayal - that the Yuanfei that haunted his dreams would want to elicit this reaction from Katsuyuki only to expose his dirty little secret. It left him feeling sick once he'd awoken and the inital terror had finally ebbed from his frantic mind. He trusted Yuanfei - more than anyone - but the fact remained: his friend already had the power to destroy his life if ever he wanted to. They'd already kissed... how many times now? Despite his protests that it was just a strange thing between friends, he knew that excuse wouldn't hold up to someone like Yegor.

Katsuyuki ran a hand stiffly through his hair. The nausea turned to a twisting pang of guilt. He really did trust Yuanfei, and he knew these nightmares were just that and nothing more. He had kept their unusual dynamic a secret for all this time - Katsuyuki had no reason to doubt him. The fact his mind would race to such damning presumptions of duplicity only intensified his sense of shame.

Something needed to be done. He was a wreck, and it was only getting worse. He needed to get out.

He'd scolded Yuanfei for his cavalier, flighty attitude to responsibility, but maybe there was something to be gleaned from it. Katsuyuki stubbornly endured his burdens, determined to see them through, regardless of the emotional - or physical - damage it caused him. But how long could he torture himself with a burden that had no resolution? When his options were capitulation into self-loathing or upholding the ticking time bomb of self-denial until the catastrophic end, why make a choice at all? Maybe it was easier to escape it, to just not think about it, if only for a little while; to not be tortured by the grim possibility that he might be...

He winced. That shameful little three-letter word carried so much weight, he couldn't bring himself to even think it.

He couldn't be. He must be straight.

Then what the hell was it this one man was doing to him now? Why were these feelings stronger than he had felt for any man? Stronger than he'd felt for any woman, even?

Don't think about it. If it worked for Yuanfei, maybe it could work for him too; just put it all aside and leave, get far away physically and mentally, from whatever baggage kept him captive to his fear. Yegor, his father, the prying eyes of anyone around him - if he left it all behind, maybe that burden could be lifted from his shoulders - just for a fleeting moment of peace.

Maybe he didn't have to do it alone.

Katsuyuki slipped his phone out of his pocket. He was flying out to Seattle next week for that shitty conference anyway. He had his excuse to get away - now he just needed a strategy to bring his friend along for the ride. Training, perhaps? He was out of the loop on the dynamics in Team Wildfire, after all; a long weekend of sparring made sense.

Maybe this was possible after all.

His fingers quickly danced across the screen.

USA vacation lodge booking

A few options. Maine, Vermont, Alaska. The further away, the better.

Flights from Seattle

Flights to Maine

Flights to Vermont

A direct flight. It was possible. Would he go for it? Yuanfei was a breezy, carefree soul that was happyto follow adventure wherever it took him. An impromptu trip north seemed like the sort of thing he might like. And maybe once there, alone and safe from the danger that surrounded him, the time could be right to...

Katsuyuki shuddered. Yes, in the middle of nowhere, in this unfamiliar place, hundreds of miles from his current home - that was the time to make Yuanfei uncomfortable, when he'd have nowhere to run. Like a prisoner.

He drew in a long, terse breath from the cigarette. No, this wasn't the point of this trip. No stupid plans. No uncomfortable personal questions.

Don't think about it.

He stubbed out his cigarette. He had no idea how Yuanfei could be so laid-back about it all. Katsuyuki was a man that needed order, certainty and control - and when confronted with uncomfortable truths, he would carefully and meticulously deconstruct them into something easy compartmentalized - even if a healthy sprinkle of denial might be needed to smooth over some cracks.

Yuanfei, on the other hand, effortlessly danced around his demons, content to live in the beauty of the moment and leave his troubles as festering questions for another day. He made it look so easy. It was one of those things that was equal parts frustrating and endearing to Katsuyuki, and now gave him a twinge of jealousy. He sighed. To live so carefree seemed like a pipedream for someone like him, and he yearned to breeze through life like Yuanfei. With Yuanfei.

And perhaps, even if that was out of reach for his dogmatic, constricting narrative arc, perhaps just for a few days, he could get a tender moment of that carefree joy - no strings attached - in the northern wilderness with his friend. And maybe the memory of that small, fleeting glimmer of happiness would be enough to warm his lonely soul in the growing darkness of his father's looming shadow.

It was worth a try.