I spent most of my time on the plane in my head. The only time I didn’t spend there was when I buckled the seat belt up and unbuckled it. Everything else was headspace. After eight and half hours on the airplane, it ended. Getting my bag and heading out front, I messaged Alexi. He was quick to message me back to let me know Sasha would be coming to get me and should be there shortly. I wondered why Sasha was the one coming to get me? Not that I was annoyed about that. Sasha was a pretty good guy from what I saw and knew about him.
With my two suitcases, I flicked through my phone while I waited. I had plenty to do when I got back to the complex. A hot shower was one of them. Before I forced myself to go look at Caleb’s body. If it was being stored on the property. I honestly had no clue what the plan was at this point.
“Alessio!”
Sasha pulled up in front of the airport in an SUV. He looked good. Better than he had when I left a few weeks back. He helped me load the suitcases into the trunk and we both got in. He pulled away from the airport and he sighed softly.
“How are you holding up?”
“Honestly, I haven’t even really cried, like a good long cry. I cried for a few minutes when I realized I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. But otherwise. No.”
“He didn’t pass alone. I’m not sure what all Maddox and Andrei have told you.”
“Only that he had passed. I know nothing else.”
“I see.”
“What happened? Was it painful for him?”
“I was there when he passed. I went to look for him to have a look at my hand. Right place at the right time.”
This was the first time I noticed the bandage on Sasha’s hand.
“Did anyone with a medical degree take a look at your hand?”
“No. But its—”
“When we get back, let me have a damn look at it. If you seriously damaged something, we need to know.”
He frowned at me. But he didn’t disagree.
“How did he pass Sasha?”
“Stage four cancer. He ended it himself before he would suffer.”
“Why? Why the hell didn’t he tell me? I could have helped. I could have done something.” I shouted, angry about it.
“He didn’t want you to suffer watching him die slowly. He wanted to spare you that pain.”
“I am still going to suffer.”
“Yes. Death is death, regardless of how it happens.”
“My dad, is he ok?”
“Lukas said he had a dreadful night. He was worried about you and how you handled the news.”
“I handled it like you might imagine. I hung up the phone on him because of the shock and needing to process the news. When I see Caleb, this calm will be long gone. I am ok with that too. I feel so numb, I feel like I should have lost my mind by now crippled with loss, but here I am carrying on like I’m not about to put the closest thing I’ve had to love in the ground.”
“Everyone handles death differently.”
I wanted to tell him I hadn’t even handled the death yet, but I thought that best to keep to myself. I didn’t need a one-way ticket to see Dr Martin this early after landing. Sasha seemed content to sit in the silence. I could see marks on his throat when I looked at him, but I wasn’t nosy enough to ask about his sexual life with Ryer. I knew they were messing around. Hell, everyone knew. You could pick up on their sexual tension from across the room.
I sighed. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t think I would ever be ready for this.
“Alessio, I know we aren’t super close or anything, but I’m here if you need to talk.”
“I appreciate that.”
Sasha gave me a small smile before looking back at the road. We were almost back at the complex, and I was dying for a hot shower and a nap. Before that, I needed to unpack.
As the complex came into sight, my chest grew heavy and I had to prepare myself. People were probably going to give me condolences. As he parked and shut the car off, he turned to me and spoke.
“Do you want to sit here for a moment and compose yourself before everyone bombards you?”
“I’m about as composed as I’m going to get.”
“Alright, let’s head in then.”
He got out and opened the trunk, pulling out my bags. Sighing, I got out and pulled my hand through my hair. Showtime. I took the heavier of the bags from Sasha so he didn’t harm his back and we went inside the complex.
Everything looked the same as before. Hell, everything even smelled the same as before, yet it would never be the same as it once was for me.
“Where did you want to take this stuff?”
“Caleb’s wing. I need to shower.”
“Alright.”
Sasha went up to Caleb’s wing with me. The door opened when I waved my phone in front of the door. The scent of his aftershave hung in the air, like he had just gone to work in the medic wing and would be home later. That was the heart clenching part.
Sasha set the bag down on the floor and looked me over, his eyes showing his worry for me.
“Are you going to be ok here?”
“Yeah, I think so. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me so far, and I can never repay you for staying with Caleb while he passed. It makes it a little easier to swallow knowing he wasn’t alone.”
“Yeah.”
He awkwardly left the space after saying goodbye and one the door closed and lock flicked into place. I looked around, feeling awkward. My coat was on the rack beside Caleb’s, my shoes still on the rack too. Despite us fighting and my harsh words, he didn’t remove all my stuff from his wing and he had plenty of time to do it. That made me wonder if the bed we shared would have all the things I liked still or if he went back to his normal before me.
Walking down the hallway to the far back bedroom, I opened the door and the cold air hit me. The room smelled deeply of Caleb and his bathroom products. Toeing off my shoes, I left them in the hallway. With my coat and suitcase, I also had abandoned. The blankets and sheets were the ones we had bought together. They were much softer than the ones he had on the bed before.
Walking to the side of the bed, I grabbed his pillow and brought it to my nose, pulling in as much of his scent as I could. Tears fell and were absorbed by his pillow, like he was trying to console me. But it did little.
I laid on the bed. Wrapped around just that single pillow as I sobbed until no more tears would fall. My eyes ached from all the tears, and I was sure I was nearly voiceless now from sobbing. I just wanted to lie here until it all faded into black, but my body was aching from the long flight. I also smelled like many other scents of the airplane.
Forcing myself out of the bed, I walked to the bathroom. The scent of Caleb radiating from there. Flicking on the light, there was a letter taped to the mirror with my name written on it in black marker. It was Caleb’s handwriting. My mouth was dry now.
Getting to the mirror, I pulled the envelope off. Opening it up, there was a handwritten note inside. Caleb’s handwriting was spread out over two pages and skimming over the pages quickly. My eyes caught the words, stage for cancer and forgive me. His bank card was also inside the letter.
Properly reading over it not once but twice. I wanted to scream and break things. But I would regret my actions. Heavily.
The letter detailed all of his cancer diagnoses and how he couldn’t dare tell me. It explained why he pushed me away and wanted me to go back home to Italy. It also detailed all his information in terms of getting out his money and what he wanted to do with the stuff in the wing, but also his car. He had left it all for me.
He wanted me to forgive him for not telling me about his death sentence. His letter also detailed how he was going to go about ending it all, painfree on his terms.
His last written words on the paper were how much he loved me and how he didn’t want me to suffer without him. I was to live just for him. But the problem was this…
How was I supposed to live when the man I saw my forever with was now dead?
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