Hiding in Caleb’s bedroom, in our shared bed, wrapped around his pillow. I was hollow. I felt beyond empty. It wasn’t like he was dead, just not home at the moment. Maybe working a long shift. Like I might close my eyes and when I open them again, he would be there. In bed, beside me.
A shower had only done me so good, and rereading the letter repeatedly until I burned every word into my brain wasn’t healthy. I couldn’t spend every second in this bed, no matter how much this felt like the only place where we had been at peace.
Caleb and I fought. We really did. But never did I fight inside the bedroom with him. That was a place of comfort and support only. It was the single biggest rule we maintained throughout everything. Tossing the pillow away, I forced myself out of the bed. I had things that needed my attention. Even if I was avoiding them. Or rather him. Caleb.
I needed information about where his body was and how he was going to be sent off. Would it be cremation or burial? Private or public? Did he have a family that would want to be present? More than all that, though. I needed to see his body. I needed to see that it was all real. Not just terrible feelings I might wake up from.
Besides, I needed to check Sasha’s hand, in case he broke or fractured any of the bones.
Pushing myself out of the bed, I took a deep breath of the air, really taking in Caleb’s scent. The first few steps out of the bedroom hurt, but not physically, more emotionally and mentally. Here, for the moment, I was safe, enveloped in my own delusions that I could open my eyes, and this was all just a bad dream.
I wanted to pull out all my hair, scream, fight and argue, but what good would that do for me right now? Nothing.
Only dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, I grabbed my phone and my keys. Not wasting another moment, not even one to check the time. Not that the medic wing had any time limit. Taking one last deep breath, I left his wing. This was now or never.
The halls were quiet. It wasn’t something I was used to. Hell, there was always someone up, no matter the time here. Except now, it seemed.
Getting to the door, the auto-lock had been changed, but it looked like my key would still work if my phone didn’t. Opening the door, I was almost shocked it opened the way it had. But then again, I was now the only doctor able to treat anyone.
The lights were on, but not the good ones, only the night ones. My bare feet made little sound on the tiled floor as I walked. The space felt different now. Having known by Caleb’s own words what he had planned to do in the supply closet and having done it. The room was charged.
The entire door was replaced, and I turned the doorknob and looked inside. Not a darn thing looked out of place or like Caleb had ended his suffering here. I knew where we held the bodies of our members before we gave them a funeral, but I hesitated to make my way there.
It took everything in me to open the door to the only room we kept off limits to pretty much everyone. It was nothing special, just a large room, like a freezer where the bodies were kept. The air in the room was cold and only a single body bag lay on a table. Giving myself a few moments to really prepare, I grabbed the zipper and pulled.
Opening the bags, I wasn’t sure what I could handle when I flipped the body bag back. Seeing his face. I might just lose it right there, not a single moment of warning. Flipping back the bag, my breath caught in my chest and it was so real. There he was, almost like he was sleeping. I touched his cheek, and it was so damn cold, deathly cold.
“God… Why.. Caleb? You could have just called me and been honest about this. I hope you can hear me.”
He couldn’t answer me back. I knew this. But it didn’t stop me from speaking or asking him stupid questions. Caleb wanted one thing, and he made it clear in his letter to me. It was another reason I was here. He just wanted to be wheeled out to the far backyard and burned. Allowed to float away when he was just ashes. Funny how much we thought about dealing with our problems the same way. I wanted to burn my useless stuff, and he wanted to burn the body he left behind.
The chances that I was going to be allowed to openly burn him were probably zero. But I didn’t know for sure. Regardless, I was going to make it happen. Allowed or not. Leaning down, I placed a kiss on Caleb’s forehead, tears running down my cheeks. Zipping the bag back up, I left the freezer and closed the door, making sure it locked behind me. I screamed into the empty wing, not able to hold it together anymore. My hands shook as I wiped tears off my cheeks.
I was fucking angry.
I grabbed the first file in Caleb and I’s shared office, and sent it flying before grabbing anything and everything I could get my damn hand on. His coffee cup, the same stupid tan on I couldn’t stand, was the next thing. As it shattered and chunks went flying, I got sadder and angrier about the fact Caleb had kept his illness a secret from me. It was a damn selfish thing to do, and now I was the one who had to pay the price for the guilt he had helped me develop because of it.
It was total bullshit the way he went about this whole damn thing.
“Alessio, you are going to have to clean up this mess.”
Turning around, There stood my father, in a sweater and jogging pants. Undressed from his usual suit and looking almost normal.
“How? How did you know I was here?”
He pointed to the cameras and my first thought was Sasha. But somehow that really didn’t seem all that right for it to be him.
“Maddox is watching the medic wing in case anyone needs medical help and he has them set to send him an alert when there is a movement in here. He was worried about you and he called me. Do you even know what time it is, Alessio?”
“No. Not really… I didn’t even look.. I needed to see him.”
“Alessio, it’s three in the morning. This could have waited for a few more hours. You could have waited to do this until the morning.”
“You don’t understand, I couldn’t! I need to do this now!”
“Alessio, son, you don’t need to yell.”
“I need to do right by him. I need to give him what he wants.”
Maddox opened the door, and he was alone. I was worried he might have brought someone else too. But he didn’t. He was dressed like the rest of us and felt really fucking guilty about possibly waking him up for me to lose my shit.
I was going to give Caleb what he wanted, regardless of how this all ended for me.
“Do you know how he wanted to be treated after his death?” Maddox asked, his voice deep but smooth.
“He wanted to be burned and allowed to float off after he was ash. I don’t care how much I had to beg or plead. Hell, I don’t even care if I have to do it by myself. I will make his funeral plans happen. I don’t care.”
“Did he have a spot in mind, Alessio?”
It shocked me that Maddox was ok with this. At least at this moment.
“The backyard, anywhere.”
“Let me see what I can do to arrange something. Later today, though, you need to go home and sleep. We can figure all this out tomorrow.”
“I need to do this for him, I need—-”
“Tomorrow, we can’t do it tonight, not right now. Wait until the morning. I know you want to honor his wishes, and we will. We just have to delay them for a few hours, ok?”
I hated to settle on this, but I had to. Maddox would not let me do it tonight. He was looking at me like he was waiting for me to break. Hell, I was waiting for that moment too. I could feel it coming, but when was the question? Would I make it through the burning of his body before I finally reached my peak? Each second that passed, anger and sadness took over my more solid emotions. Reaching out, my fingers brushed over one crutch on the rack. Here in the office, Maddox and my father stood outside the door. But not me. I was inside. I snapped, finally. Using the single wooden crutch, I smashed anything in the office I could in my fit of anger and betrayal, and absolute heartbreak.
“Alright, that’s enough. Time for you to go back and relax.”
It wasn’t Maddox who said it, but my dad. His features were clouded, and he frowned. He yanked the crutch out of my hand and pulled me out of the office by the back of my shirt. He was very clearly having a hard time understanding how I wanted to deal with this. He opened Caleb’s wing and tossed me inside, his tone very stern.
“Don’t you dare leave this wing before eleven a.m or I will fucking hunt you down Alessio Mihail. Don’t fucking tempt me today.”
I got the message, and he shut the door, right in my damn face. Leaving me to my thoughts again in Caleb’s wing. The sobering realization, this was all over for us now. There was only me now.
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