The activity around me started to kick up and I watched, carefully waiting for my time to move. Several people shoved their luggage in one of the open but almost-full compartments and then headed towards the bus door, and as I glanced around, carefully noting that no one seemed to be looking in this direction. I then took a deep breath, dashed forward, and leapt towards the compartment.
Only to be snatched out of midair. A hand closed around the loose skin at my shoulders and after a stunned moment where I realized I’d been caught, I found myself looking into the stern face of Zahara.
“Caught you,” she snapped. She didn’t let go of my scruff as she marched off from the buses, but didn’t say anything until she reached her car. There, she tossed me non-too-gently onto the passenger seat and glared at me from the driver’s seat. “I told you I wouldn’t let Amelia’s heart get broken by a stupid shifter! She’s been frantic all morning, even skipped classes to look for you. I had a feeling you were trying to get out of town, and looks like I was right. And I got here just in time, too.”
She crossed her arms, glowering at me. “Do you really care so little that someone who thinks you’re a cat and wants to love you – as a cat – would get hurt by you disappearing? Since you’ve been staying with her for a couple weeks, you should know she’s a kind-hearted and soft-hearted person, particularly when it comes to cats! Yet all of that means nothing to you? What on earth are you even thinking?”
I cowered down on the seat, my tail tucked tightly around me, not looking at the angry fairy. Of course I felt bad that Amelia was upset, but it didn’t make a difference in the end. I couldn’t actually be her pet cat. And wasn’t this what Zahara wanted? Why was she so upset now? And why had she stopped me?
Zahara sighed abruptly. “Just shift back so we can actually talk. I need to understand what’s going on in your head.”
When I didn’t move, she reached out and flicked my forehead lightly. “Come on, shifter. You can’t pretend you’re just a cat with me.”
There was no way I was shifting back, though. At least for five more years. Maybe ever. I couldn’t take that risk. For all I knew, Amelia and Zahara would turn me over to police and send me back to live with her again if they knew who I was. There wasn’t a chance I would shift back willingly.
But could a fairy force me to shift back? I had no idea, really. I mostly knew about shifters and sphinx, and vaguely about several other supernatural types. I did know that fairies were often called in to help deal with feral shifters, but I didn’t know what exactly they did in the process. Did they just catch feral shifters with their magic or could they force them back into human form? That didn’t sound likely, because I thought feral shifters weren’t even able to shift back at all, but nevertheless the idea of being forced to shift back terrified me. Zahara was probably the most dangerous person in my life right now.
On that note, I abruptly hopped off the seat to scramble under it, attempting to hide. Of course I knew I couldn’t really hide from her for real, but my cat instincts were telling me to hide from the danger and this was the best hiding place I could find since I couldn’t get out of the car easily with her watching me. And I listened because, well, it made the most sense to me.
“What are you – okay, you’re making no sense,” Zahara grumbled. “If I didn’t know you were a shifter I really would think you’re just a cat.” Then she paused. “He didn’t go feral, did he?” She muttered to herself. “He hasn’t shown any actual indications that he recognizes what I’m saying. Shoot. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.”
She sighed, then turned on the car and started driving off, leaving me under the seat. I spent the whole ride cowering under there, afraid of what the future held.
When we arrived at the destination, however, Zahara wasted no time with reaching under the seat, grabbing me by my scruff again, and dragging me out. Since I went limp in her grasp, it was pretty easy for her to do that, but I wondered briefly if I should have fought her in the process.
Zahara took me upstairs and knocked on Amelia’s door. It opened a moment later to a tearful Amelia, whose eyes immediately landed on me.
“Zar! You found him!” She snatched me up and hugged me tightly to her chest. “Thank you, thank you!”
If I wasn’t so scared about what was going to happen to me, I might have enjoyed it. I hadn’t been hugged like that since my parents, and Amelia’s hug reminded me of my mom’s, which felt comforting and stabbed at my heart all at the same time. I probably would have cried if I was in human form, but right now I froze, just waiting for – well, I wasn’t sure what. Waiting to find out what would happen to me, I guess. What Zahara would do.
Amelia spent some time fussing over me, confirming I wasn’t hurt, and then took me to the kitchen to set out some food. She was clearly dismayed when, the moment she set me down, I darted out of the room and hid under the couch again. She set about trying to entice me out with food, but even though I was kind of hungry, I wasn’t willing to come out. Not while Zahara was there, at least.
“I think he got spooked by your visit yesterday,” Amelia said with a sigh. “I thought you said fairies are good with animals!”
“We are,” Zahara assured her. “This one is just…complicated.”
Amelia didn’t seem to catch the suggestion there, and instead went back to the kitchen to see if she had any other cans of cat food that I might like better.
As soon as she left, Zahara crouched next to the couch. “I’m going to assume you’re not feral because you’re not behaving strictly like a cat, so here’s the deal. You don’t get to just run out on Amelia. She’s gotten attached, and she needs to know the truth. She doesn’t need to just get heartbroken and worry about you for who knows how long. If you leave, she needs to have that closure to know why. So if you run again, I will find you and bring you back. As many times as necessary, if I have to.” She paused. “You need to tell her the truth,” she finished firmly. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but pretending to be a cat and letting someone get attached only to disappear on them at random? That’s not okay. You can’t treat people like that. Sure, it’s easier to just run out and not admit it, but you got yourself into this mess, and you can’t just do the easy thing to get out of it, especially not if it’s going to hurt someone. Own up to your mistakes.” Then she stood up and said something to Amelia as she returned.
I, meanwhile, was feeling more panicked. Zahara clearly intended to force me to tell Amelia that I was a shifter – which would inevitably involve me turning back to human form, too. I wouldn’t have even cared so much if she’d decided to tell Amelia on her own and then Amelia had decided to kick me out, but trying to make me say it? I couldn’t. I just couldn’t shift back. Sure, letting Amelia take me in even for a few days was a mistake, but I was tired of sleeping outside and eating out of the trash and it just had sounded nice to have a few days of relief from that, particularly with Amelia, who was just warm and nice and kind.
That wasn’t a good enough excuse, though. I should have remembered that. It wasn’t worth the risk. It’d be better to live outside as a stray cat, finding food and shelter where I could, than risk this.
But what could I do to avoid it? I couldn’t tell Zahara the truth and ask her not to force me, not without shifting back, which was the problem to begin with. And she planned to force me, which I was afraid meant she might actually have a way to force me to shift back, after all.
I started freaking out, desperately searching for some way out, when I suddenly landed on something Zahara said earlier.
She’d wondered if I was feral.
Feral. That…that was usually viewed as bad, right? Being feral for a shifter meant you let your animal side take over and basically lost your human side. If it went far enough, you wouldn’t remember your human side enough to shift back. You’d just be pure wild animal.
Normally that was bad, but for me, could it be my one true escape? If I went feral, I would just be cat, not human. I would actually be a cat. And since I was just a housecat-type cat, it wasn’t like me going feral was dangerous to anyone else. I’d just…be a cat. Sure, I’d lose all my human memories and never be able to be human again, but that would be safer, right? Maybe I would be allowed to stay with Amelia, who was nice and would take good care of me. She would get the cat she wanted, and I wouldn’t be forced to go back to live with her again. Maybe this really was the only way to be truly safe. It came at the cost of what I viewed as myself – my human mind and memories – and I knew that my parents would have cried at even the idea of that, but for me, the idea actually came with a bit of relief.
That was my answer. The only way to be truly safe.
I was going to have to go feral.
~~~~~
I wasn’t sure what the best method was for going feral and it wasn’t like I could ask anyone, but I figured if I started acting like a real cat, that would help, right? Like…hunting. Not real hunting because I was inside Amelia’s apartment, but she’d gotten me several toys that I hadn’t felt like playing with before because, well, that seemed kind of silly. Now I deliberately tried to play with them, but only in a hunting context. I was trying to listen to my cat instincts on hunting and let them take over. Stop thinking like a human, start thinking like a cat.
This became my new obsession. If I wasn’t sleeping or eating, I was trying to force my brain into thinking like a cat. I didn’t know how long going feral might take, but I had a deadline, so I needed it to happen before then. I just hoped constantly trying to trigger my hunting instinct would be enough.
Amelia clearly noticed my abrupt change in behavior and mentioned it to Zahara when she came over for a movie night soon after. Shakespeare or something – Amelia liked movies like that and while I got the impression Zahara didn’t love them, she was willing to humor her girlfriend and watch whatever she wanted.
Zahara’s eyes flitted to me where I was busy batting around a crinkly ball while Amelia expressed her confusion about my behavior.
“He showed no interest in toys before, and now suddenly it’s like that’s all he does! I’m a little worried, actually, because I don’t think he’s sleeping enough. Cats are supposed to sleep like 12-16 hours a day, right? But he’s spending at least 16 hours a day playing and then sleeps for a lot less. Bengals are high energy cats, though,” she mused, “so maybe that’s it? Maybe he just got comfortable enough in my place to let his personality come out?” She sighed and then shrugged abruptly, a smile replacing her confusion. “I got him a collar, but I still haven’t decided on the name, so I haven’t gotten a tag yet. And I made an appointment with the vet to deal with vaccines, microchipping, and neutering. I even told my landlord about him and they’re good with him, so I think he’s officially mine now! If only I can come up with a name.” She was back to frowning.
Zahara’s eyes went back to me, a slight frown on her face, too, as she watched me pounce on the crinkly ball. She responded to Amelia’s question about name ideas, but the moment Amelia left the room to grab their food from the kitchen, she was over at my side and put one firm hand on my shoulders, holding me in place, and another under my chin, forcing me to look at her.
“Are you just ignoring what she’s planning to do? You can’t keep pretending or it’s going to have permanent consequences for you! You need to tell her the truth!”
I didn’t have time for her comments. I had to go feral before that appointment. At least, that was my plan. If I could, then I’d just be a normal cat and the whole appointment wouldn’t be that big of a deal.
Since she wasn’t letting me go, I did what came naturally to me, swiping at her with a paw – claws out. She immediately jerked back in surprise, staring at me for a moment as I immediately returned to my former activity.
She did some fairy magic before Amelia got back, healing the scratches so there was no indication of them, but I felt her eyes on me several times during the night. I ignored her, for the most part, because I had something more important to do. I had to make myself go feral, and it was taking longer than I’d have liked.
As she started to head out, Zahara paused and came over to me, leaning over to murmur softly so Amelia couldn’t hear. “Take it easy on the playing. Listening to cat instincts can make you go feral.”
I would have given her a withering look if I’d had the time to spare. Of course, that was the point.
She straightened up, gave me another odd look, then headed back to the door, gave Amelia a kiss, and was gone.
Amelia came over and plopped down on the couch, watching me chase the toy around. “I wonder why I can’t come up with a name that fits you? Everything I’ve tried just feels wrong somehow. I guess I’ve never named a pet before, so maybe it’s always like that or maybe I’m just being ridiculous.” She sighed, then got a determined expression. “But I will find the perfect name! Don’t worry.”
She got up and came over to give me a few pettings, which I paused to allow, then gently kissed the top of my head before turning to head off to bed. Even if I was busy with my assigned task, I would always stop to let Amelia pet me. I liked it when she gave me attention like that, it felt nice. It felt like home.
Which was all the more reason to get this done so I would be able to stay with her permanently. If I didn’t, at best I’d get tossed out, and at worse, I’d get returned to her.
I switched toys to a soft felt mouse since Amelia had gone to bed. I didn’t want to keep her up with the sound of the crinkly ball. I also tried to focus more on stalking or other cat activities that required silence. After all, I didn’t want to be rude to Amelia. It did dawn on me that cats probably wouldn’t think that way, but I really didn’t want to make her mad at me, not when I was hoping to stay permanently. Well, if I could get this feral thing to happen in time. I was kind of worried about that.
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