For as long as I’ve known him, Cam's been a mischievous demon. The type of guy who would smile in your face while planning a playful prank behind your back. Some of my fondest moments in university was seeing the chaos that Cam's schemes would cause. Best friend aside, I was not immune to his schemes. Not that I minded that much. Imagine getting the shock or your life when bags upon bags of conversation hearts come flooding out of your your locker along with a bouquet of pink and red heart balloons. All because a certain friend knew I didn't have a valentine and didn't want me to go without on the so-called day of love and affection. Unfortunately, I didn't eat all the hears but I appreciated the sentiments behind them. Cam loved getting one over on people but it was okay because it was his way of showingpeople how much he adored them. 

Yet knowing what I know, I wondered what drug Cam smoked before making that insane suggestion - so I can avoid it in the future.

“Sir, have you lost your mind?” I didn’t bother holding back my laughter. Cam or not, this entire conversation took a turn I was not expecting. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun!" he replied, batting his eyelashes. Ack. "We can act all lovely dovey and watch all those vendors bend over backwards trying to get our hard-earned money. We’ll have them fighting over each other for a wedding that doesn’t exist.”

“Cam, no. I know jokes are your thing but that’s messed up, even for you.”

“Nah, it’ll be fun! We don’t even have to say anything. All we have to do is walk by them and they’ll do the rest.” The sides of his mouth curved upward into a devilish grin.  He knew exactly what he was doing. “Later, we can take shots for every time a vendor calls us 'the loveliest couple they've ever seen'.”

“Pretty sure they tell everybody that and I don't do alcohol poisoning." I could just imagine my tombstone. Here lies Nicola Winters - dead after far too many shots of booze. Pathetic.  "How else will they get their business?”

“Exactly! It’ll be fun to see how far they’ll go to woo us.”

“Geez.” I admit, a part of me did want to see the lengths they’d go to get our imaginary business. But I still felt uneasy. “I don’t know, Cam…”

“I’ll be fun, I promise!” He took my hand into his, my heart threatening to dislodge from my chest and come flying out of my mouth. Looking into his eyes, I thought my legs would melt into the floor, a brown puddle of jello with infinite bounce. I told myself repeatedly to be cool, that he was just fooling around, like he always did. But that didn’t stop me from swooning. “Come on, let’s go check it all out.”

I sputtered weak words of disapproval before quieting down. There was air flowing in my lungs, but I couldn’t breathe. There was nothing on my face yet it the tingles I felt all over nearly did me in. This was so stupid. Why was I getting all flustered because we were holding hands? Why did his smooth, warm palms make this riled up? I wasn’t some lovesick schoolgirl enraptured by the popular boy in school. I had sense. And yet, there I was, flustered, overwhelmed by the innocent touch of a man I’ve always admired.

That I’ve always…no. Not that. I’m not going there.

Cam and I joined with the other couples, who meandered with sparkling, discerning eyes from vendor to vendor.  You could feel the excitement in the air as the brides and grooms to be chatted with florists, event planners, and musicians in hopes of planning that so-called perfect wedding day. All the real brides-to-be were all to happy to be here. They’d turn to their partners or their friends, gushing over all the beautiful displays. The grooms, who looked like they wanted to be somewhere else, still managed to offer genuine, supportive smiles.

The vendors themselves wasted no time pitching their services, praying on our fear of missing out in hopes of getting our “business”. I found it all hilarious. One vendor, a “luxury florist” (their words, not mine) offered me a white rose in full bloom, singing about how she could create an enviable wedding bouquet that my guests would never forget. Then there was the DJ wearing a Hawaii shirt a la Magnum P.I., spinning tunes that I would never want played anywhere, let alone my wedding.

I don’t understand why the Chicken Dance has so much staying power. Ick. 

That said, all the vendor displays around the rooftop park fascinated me. Beautiful tables dressed in fine linens, fine porcelain plates and high thread count cotton napkins, centerpieces tall and bursting with blooms, and sparkling jewels at each place setting for no reason other than to make it look expensive.  Wedding frocks, dressed up on headless fabric mannequins, showed off the latest in bridal fashion. People flocked over to the gowns, were so ooh-ing and ahh-ing over yards of lace, taffeta, satin, and silk sewn together to form a humongous dress. Looking at the simplest dress made me feel like a poor, destitute pauper.  The price tag would only prove it. 

I was no longer in the mall, but in some fairy tale liminal space made of precious nuptial dreams. Don’t get me wrong, though. I was no closer to wanting to plan a huge wedding than I was when I stepped into the mall. But I could see why people spend so much time and money into it. 

“I will never understand why those things cost so much,” I murmured as we passed by the display. “I mean, I get it. The fabric, the labor, and all those embellishments really add but, but I just can’t wrap my head around it. The cheapest dress would cost me like two or three months of rent. And you only get to wear it once!”

“I hear some women having a photography session where they trash the dress,” Cam replied. “Like, underwater photography sessions and what not.”

“You mean they spend all that money on a dress just to trash it? Seems like such a waste! It’s all just a waste, whether you preserve it or trash it.” 

“Hey, the bride doesn’t always buy her own dress. Sometimes, her family or even the groom buys it for her. Is it a waste then?”

“Yes, because they could be giving me that money to put toward a down payment on a house! I don’t even need a big luxury house either, a starter house would be nice. With a front and a backyard and a porch where I can sit in and shake a fist at the kids who run by.”

“No, not the fist!” Cam struggled to stifle his laughter. “Will you have a cane, too?” 

“Maybe. Haven’t found the right one yet.” I smirked. “I’ll get back to you.”

“You’re probably the only woman I’ve ever met that would rather have a house instead of a pretty dress. Or a huge wedding. My parents had a huge wedding, but that’s because my grandma on my mom’s side insisted on it. Mom used to joke that my grandma got the wedding she always wanted when my mom got married.” 

“I already know how things would go with my mother. She’d insist on me having an extravagant wedding that she wouldn’t pay a cent toward. She’d use it to one-up my aunts and uncles, since most of my cousins are already married. She’d make the whole thing about her, the hell with my happiness.” 

“Yeah.” Cam sighed deeply, shaking his head. “Sounds like something she would do.” 

“It’s probably worse than what I’m thinking it would be like since I’m her only child. Let’s be honest, she would more likely run off any guy who was crazy enough to try and love me.” Pain radiated from the center of my chest. “It would absolutely bug her knowing that I was in a safe place, cared for by someone who has my interested at heart. I think she would lose it, knowing that she had no power over me anymore.”

I placed a hand on my heart, breathing in deep. Damn it. It was so easy to let Cam know what I was really thinking but I still hated sharing that part of myself with him. The sadness of existing in a toxic environment was never far away. Surrounded by people who had their whole lives ahead of them could only help me forget about my problems for a little while. 

It sucked. 

Having a cruel, demanding mother sucked.

Having to live with her day in and day out sucked.

Catering to her ever whim, however unreasonable it was, sucked.

Having to endure her cruelty as I pinched my pennies so that I could escape her clutches really sucked.

The kicker? Letting Cam in on the full extent of my pain felt even worse.

I didn’t get to see him all that often and when I did, it was only a matter of time before the subject of my mother came up. Why couldn’t I just focus on hanging out and being happy with it? It wasn’t fair, having him put up with my crap.

“You know what, we’re supposed to be pretending to be a happy couple and yet you’re making me think of sad things!” I cupped my cheeks in my hands as if to wipe tears away. If you want me to forget my troubles, then you’re going to have to do better than that.”

“Will this help?” I watched as Cam wrapped his arms around me, drawing me in to a warm and gentle embrace. My eyes threatened with tears that were begging to be shed but I held strong. An initial resistance gave way to comfort as my head rested on his shoulder. The rumble of his baritone chuckled brushed against my cheek as he patted my back. I didn’t have to look at him to know that he was smiling. “That’s my girl.” 

“You couldn’t let the moment pass without that little quip, could you?” I gave his shoulder a playful smack. 

“No, because it’s true, even if it sounds like a line from one of those novels with the long-haired muscle men on the cover,” he said, continuing to pat my back. “But I’m serious. You’re my girl. And I’ve got your back. I’ve always got your back.” 

I looked down at my feet. We were sounding more like the couples we were surrounded by rather than two good friends. It made me feel very unsettled. I wanted to push all the feelings away. I wasn’t used to be supported or cared about. What others took for granted felt stifling to me. And I hated that. “I know, I know.” 

“Do you, though?” His voice took on a serious tone. 

I stumbled backward, stung by the question. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing…nothing. Forget I asked. I’m sorry I brought it up.” Cam placed his hands on my shoulders. “I’m just worried about you, that’s all.” 

“Well, if you’re worried about me that much, please tell me we’re done playing engaged couple for now. I’ve seen enough lace and satin to last me a lifetime.” I just wanted to get as far away from that rooftop and this conversation as possible. It took a turn I wasn’t expecting, and I just wanted to be happy again.  “I’m hungry and overstimulated from all this wedding craziness, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to grab something to eat.” 

“You sure you’re all done here? I think I saw that DJ booth inviting people to dance on their state-of-the-art colorful dance floor.” 

“Nah, I’m good, but if you wanna try it out, be my guest.” 

“Maybe next time.”