The silence in the car was so deafening, you could hear not just a pin drop, but pins dropping in various places miles away. My heart went still as my jaw scrapped the car floor. At first, I approached the situation with a sense of humor. This was a joke, right? Like...did that really just happen? Nah, that can't be it at all. I didn't hear that right. This was just Cam messing around, what he always loved to do.

This proposal was a fake one. It had to be.

It had to be...right?

But as the silence persisted and Cam's face remained still and stoic, the reality sank in - he proposed me to. Actually, reality was more like a tsunami, slamming against my entire body was a force that swallowed me hole, dragging me into deep, dark depths with no hope of ever reaching the surface.

This was not a joke.

This was a real proposal.

Nervous chuckles pettered from my mouth. Cam...he asked me to marry him! And he was serious! This was a far cry from all those harmless pranks he pulled back in university - this was the real deal. 

He wanted to marry me...to help me get away from my dysfunctional household. 

He wanted to marry me.

Marry. Me.

Me. His best friend. Confidant. A woman he cared for, but not a woman he loved.

It might have sounded romantic if it wasn't so farfetched and messed up!

I began to laugh. Not just any laugh, but a hearty belly laugh that had my entire stomach vibrating. His serious expression didn’t waver but that didn’t stop me from doubling over, amused by the ridiculousness of this sudden situation.

“What?!” I asked, gasping for air. “You want us to get married?! Like with rings and flowers?"

"Yes." He remained stoic. "I do."

"You've got to be kidding me!" I laughed so hard, my stomach ached. "I think that wedding fair got to you head, Cam. Don’t joke around like that.”

“You think I’m joking?” 

“Of course, you’re joking!" Serious expression or not, I refused to believe that there was any merit to this sudden proposal. "Sir, do you hear yourself? ‘You deserve all the happiness in the world’. ‘Let’s get married, Nicola’. That's so out of left field, even for you!” 

“I’m serious, Nicola.” 

“So am I." I took a deep breath, wiping away the amused tears streaming down my face. "Do you hear yourself? You just proposed marriage out of nowhere after attending wedding fair. Did all those taffeta and lace dresses hit you that hard upside your head? Those wedding dresses are pretty heavy."

“I’m fine, Nicola. My mind has never been clearer.” My laughter died down into nervous chuckles as Cam’s  eyes bore into my face. Anxiety crawled up my spine. Why wasn’t he laughing? He knew how hilarious this was…right? Right? “We should get married, Nicola. You and me."

I scoffed. "Yeah, right. No one can plan a wedding that fast, even I know that."

"Then we'll go to the courthouse and do it. I'll get you a nice outfit and I'll wear a nice suit. The sooner, the better.”

“Seriously, you can stop now. Your joke has run its course.” Silence. His grip on my hand grew tighter, cutting off my circulation. Or maybe I just imagined it that way. “Also, proposing marriage out of nowhere insane and not very romantic. Even if we are friends, that's not the way to go about it. And frankly, I'm shocked that you'd do something so desperate.” 

Silence. He wasn’t budging. And my anxiousness was worsening. The knot in my stomach was so unbearable, I feared that I would have to rush out of the car and vomit into the bushes. It was that bad. Realization wasn’t a lightning strike, but a slow, sinking ship. The truth was a cold, frozen sea that I was sinking into, inch by inch.

He’s not joking...is he? 

No. He doesn't just look or sound serious.  He is serious. As serious as a heart attack.

He wants to marry me. 

He. Wants. To. Marry Me.

ME.

I had a mouth, air, and lungs but I could not scream.

“No!” I snatched my hand away, my breaths getting quicker until I was on the verge of hyperventilating. “No. No! Absolutely not! Are you crazy? We can't get married!!"

“I know I sound crazy, Nicola, but I’m not," Cam pleaded. " I mean it. I want to marry you. I want to be there for you and help you get away from your mother. I want to give you a happy life.”

“You don’t need to marry me to do that! You can be a cheerleader, wearing one of those uniforms with the coordinating colors and the pom-pons! Make up a cheer and a dance if you want to, I don't care! But marrying me is out of the question, end of discussion!"

"Nicola, please!" I folded my arms around my chest, imagining myself protected by armor, one that couldn't be penetrated by Cam's vulnerable pleas. "I know you want to do this on your own, that you've been doing what you can to leave that vile woman behind. But if we get married you’ll have me in your corner and you won't have to be alone anymore. I can protect you. I can keep you safe.” 

“What makes you think you aren't doing that already? Don’t be so dramatic, Cam!" The words came out, loud and forceful. The amusement was gone. My emotions were now a weird mixture of horror and indignation. "For the record, I’m not some helpless idiot who needs to be babied by others to survive in the world. I’m a grown woman! A woman that is busting her ass to save herself!” 

"I know you are!"

“Then why would you just...propose to me like that? Like a commuter throwing change to the homeless person on the street as they rush by? Do I look like a pathetic charity case to you? Because that’s what you’re making me into right now.”

“Nicola, you know damn well that’s not what I’m trying to do here! I'm trying to help you!"

“And I'm trying to tell you that marriage is a big deal. It’s meant for two people who love each other, who want to spend the rest of their lives together, not for a man who wants to be a white knight for his friend. You don't just throw it around like it's a coin or some candy you find at the bottom of a purse!"

“I'm not doing that, Nicola. Believe me, I’ve been about this for a very long time.”  I could hear the thoughtfulness in his voice. “I’ve always been ambivalent about marriage I’ve never really met anybody who made me want to walk down that aisle. But if it's you, then I'll run instead of walk. If I’m going to marry anybody, it should be you. Especially if it means you won't be alone anymore.”

Bitterness burned the lining of my heart. “How considerate of you. Wrapping your precious bachelorhood in a bow and giving it to me in a pretty little package. Tell me, does your heart come as part of the deal?” 

“Huh? My heart?”

“Yes, you're heart. The organ that pumps blood, burns with passion, beams with love." Cam remained silent, mouth agape. I sighed, sinking back into the car seat. "I’m gonna take that as a ‘no’."

"Nicola, will you just listen for one minute - "

"No, because it's your turn to listen, Cam." I fought off the urge to burst into hot, angry tears. "Your heart may be in the right place, but this - proposal or whatever - is not it.  You want to save me from the big, bad mommy at home because of all those horrible stories you've heard about her. You want to be my knight in shining armor, riding in on a noble steed, ready to take my to my happily ever after. Well, I don't need it! I may need help, but I don’t need saving, and I sure as hell won’t accept the proposal of a man who would marry me out of pity."

“Nicola..." The words were a slap to his face. "I've never, ever thought of you like that."

“Then why would you do all this? Did you think I'd be happy to find out that you see me  as some poor, defenseless damsel-in-distress?”

Cam’s eyes darkened. I was too fired up to give into to the stirrings of regret, too angry to consider if I'd gone too far - when I knew that I had. But I couldn't allow myself to feel it. I was hurting. I thought I could trust him with my secrets and struggles. I didn't want him of all people feeling sorry for me. Especially someone so much better off than I was. 

“You are so much more than that and you mean more to me than you could ever know!” Cam's words, strong and certain vibrated throughout the entire car. Any threat of tears I had were wiped away by the force of his words. I stared at him, stunned, unable to respond. Only then did Cam’s expression relax a little. The fiery anger that threatened to burn everything in its path died down into smaller, smoldering embers. “I know you don't believe this, but you are an amazing woman, Nicola, and it's been an absolute blessing to get to be a part of your life. I've watched you grow, I've watched you strive for success, and I've watched you endure so much crap that you don't deserve. And it tears me apart knowing that who deserves so much more than what she's been giving is suffering because the world is so cruel and careless. Every time we meet, I find it harder to let you go because I don't want you to keep suffering at that house anymore."

"But that..."

"Let me finish, damn it!" I kept my mouth shut. "Every day, every week, I wonder if you're okay. I wonder if one day, when I want to see you, I can't because something terrible has happened. It's driving me nuts, being helpless when it comes to you. I hate it, Nicola. I hate being in this town, far away from you, having all this clout, money, whatever, to do whatever I want but it means nothing since I can't help you. You can call me selfish if you want, but I'm done being a bystander. I want to be in your life all the time, Nicola. I want to share myself with someone I care about and am in absolute awe of. And that person is you, and it will always be you."

I opened my mouth to counter his words, then stopped. The silence was overwhelming - I could hear the steady beat of my heart, the rush of my blood, and the quick little breaths that puffed from between Cam's lips. Piece by piece, the spiritual armor I imagined for myself fell onto the ground and that red hot resolve I had moments before cooled down. There would be no protests from me. I knew that he was telling the truth. The part about him thinking about for a long time. His reasons for wanting to marry me. Wanting to give me the world. And, you know, speaking all these truths in such a manner that would make a Hallmark movie producer take notes. 

Cam could be a bit of a jokester, but he would never joke about something as serious as getting married. When he was determined to do something, nothing could stop him from accomplishing his goal. His wealth and his company were a testament to that. Any woman would be thrilled to know that a man like Cam was ready to risk it all to make them happy.

But I wasn’t like most women. I was battered, bruised, and dispirited.  I was exhausted from fighting for the right to live life on my terms and I hated myself for not being strong enough to turn my situation around sooner. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry me, especially not Cam. But knowing that he putting it all on the line for my happiness  did nothing to bolster my spirit.

What should have been a happy moment was tainted with shame, disappointment, and grief. I couldn't help myself. I burst into tears, a loud, ugly cry that required as much of my stomach muscles as the wild laughter of mine moments before.

“Nicola!” The click of an unfastened seatbeat and the scratchy shuffling of a body moving closer to me tickled my ear drums. I jerked my body backwards to stay just out of Cam’s reach. I wasn’t ready to be comforted. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying…”

“Because you’re an idiot, that’s why!” His body recoiled as I slapped the corner of his shoulder several times. “You don't know me well, do you? Because if you did, you know I’d never let you do something drastic and stupid just for me!” 

"But I don’t think what I’m doing is stupid," he replied, doing his best to dodge the flurry of hits. "I know this is what I want, one hundred percent.”

“Then you need to get your head checked. Like, you need to go to a doctor or a shrink first thing Monday morning. I can't let you do this. I can't.”

“Nicola…”

“No, seriously, what kind of friend would I be if I just smiled and nodded while you throw your whole life away? A pretty shitty one, that’s what.” I gasped for air, wiping my cheeks just before another stream of tears washed my face. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do for me, Cam. I get it, you want to help me and I’m so glad that you do. But I can’t let you do that.”

“You don’t have to let me do anything. I want to do it. I mean that, too. What else do I need to do to convince you that I’m serious?”

“You dumb ass, I know you’re serious! That’s why you need give up this idea and we can pretend that this never happened. Because the last thing I would ever let somebody like you do is marry somebody as messed up as me. I'm not on your level, I never have been. I don't come from a well-to-do family, my mother is a tyrant, and my family would rather die than see me live apart from my mother. I'm broken, I'm tainted - I'm not good enough. I've never been good enough, for you or anyone else."

"You're wrong."

"You say that, but I know better. If you married me, I'd only be a burden to you. And I don't want that." I struggled to get the words out of my mouth, gasping for air. My body shook with every sob and before long, I was gasping for air. "You're the only good thing in my life and I don't ever want to lose that. Ever. And you deserve so much more than I could give you. So, no, I won't marry you. I can't marry you! You say I deserve the world, but damn it, so do you!”