“Hey.” A soft hoarse voice sounded close by my ear, as a hand was placed upon my shoulder though the blanket I was hiding under.

It startled me, for my mind had not expected company. I had been so completely exhausted that I hadn’t even considered I didn’t have a room to myself. Now thoroughly ashamed, I jumped up and smiled at the intruder.

“Hey, did the sandman catch up to me?” I choked out, whilst trying to sound cheerful.

The captain looked at me, pity radiating from his face. “It’s gonna be okay” he told me.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine really. Performing after such a long journey has just depleted my energy...” I tried my most genuine expression. 

“You don’t have to do that Viv. I’ve been standing by the door for over ten minutes. I know you were crying earlier.”

The captain had already seen me at my worst: when I was saved within an inch from death, covered in miscellaneous bodily fluids. Yet right now was when the real shame hit: the fact that Sandor had witnessed me crying was worse, and somehow completely mortifying.

I had no words. So I bit my lip and hung my head and hoped that this whole moment would go away.

Instead, Sandor took a deep breath and sat down next to me on the bed, putting his hand back on my shoulder where it had touched me the first time. Firmer now.

“Men cry too when they’re hurt, Viv. You know that’s okay, right?”

Obviously, I know that men are allowed to convey their sadness. My mother never raised me to fear my emotions. I cry all the time, really. Just not where people can see it. Or maybe during a particularly doleful song, where it adds to the effect.

“Prince Vivace should bring joy to the people. It will not do if he’s found moping.” I explained.

Sandor shrugged, as if it didn’t matter. “And a captain, he should inspire his soldiers to brave into battle. Can he not be seen crying either? Or do I only inspire my men more when they find I’m a real person, with real feelings, who cries for the family he lost, instead of pretending that love isn’t infinitely more important than any stupid battle?”

His words slowly sank in. Not just what he was trying to tell me though, I immediately wondered about his family. But before I could inquire, he went on.

“You fell in love, and then you lost him. And you’ve been doing everything within your power to reunite with him. You’ve gone through lengths like never before, and faced your share of horrors along the way. I know you had expected to find him here. It’s completely understandable you feel hurt because of his absence, and what it implies. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your tears.”

“People call me a fool.”

“Yeah, well. They say love makes a man foolish.”

“Foolish enough to tell the world about it, deeming me perverted as well as crazy.” I lamented.

“Is just one little town. And I’ve heard enough about your reputation tonight, that I think that even if a rumour spreads, most people won’t believe it.”

I thought about the veracity of his statement for a bit. It was certainly likely that I could prevent any real damage to my career by pretending it never happened. But was that truly what I wanted?

“If I do that, then Elijah won’t ever know I value him over any treasure. And wherever he is, he should know that, right?” I was hoping for confirmation, really. But I witnessed my own voice betray the doubts that were tearing me apart from the inside.

“Viv, I’m not one to pass judgement on things I don’t know anything about. And I have not seen you with your Elijah. I don’t know what prompted you to believe that he is your soulmate. And I’m sure you have better reasons than the fact that he had a pretty face. But if you really want my thoughts on the matter: I reckon you’ve been deceived.”

Hearing it from the captain was hurtful, but I did not mind. I realised I needed to hear this, for this was the side of reason. And I was not foolish enough to disregard the most likely scenario. What’s that saying again? If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

I groaned in exasperation. Aware of how completely dimwitted my actions thusfar have been, when considered rationally. 

Then again, did not Farhir himself descend from the heavens in the appearance of a duck when visiting his mortal lover Arianna to hide from the wakeful eye of his rightfully jealous wife?

“But what if the duck is the almighty Farhir?” I sighed, not particularly expecting Sandor to answer, or even understand the inner workings of my mind.

Yet, he seemed to get my point, for he let out a low chuckle. “The gods, yes… you can never know about the gods' plans. They might have inspired my pessimism to test your faith. Then again, how does anyone know anything for sure, if one has to take into account the mysterious ways of the gods? I prefer not to, but I do concede that there are things worth believing in.”

“Like love?”

He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Especially love. Ask Gideon, he’ll tell you.”

I nodded as I thought of the hopeless romantic and his cheesy novels. “Or Gareth.” I added, because his adoration for his Jeannie was an actual example of a love that successfully worked out in reality.

The captain chuckled. “Oh yes, Gareth. Wait ‘till you meet his wife, see how fortunate you think he is then.”

I couldn’t believe Sandor was joking at the expense of his right-hand man. “You would not dare calling Gareth’s beloved wife unsightly, now would you?” I asked him. To which he only started laughing harder.

“Unsightly? No, my boy! His Jeannie is as beautiful as a blooming field of chicory! It’s just her personality that could use some polishing. The whole squad is terrified of her, I kid you not. If you point behind someone and say ‘oh, isn’t that Jean Forrester over there?’ you’d cause them a heart attack, Gareth himself included.”

Now I was intrigued. “Why, what on earth could a woman do to possibly scare your soldiers?”

Sandor smiled at me, teeth and all, then stuck up one finger. “She made Lionel clean his mouth with soap…”

As if that didn’t ask for a reaction, he stuck a second finger in my face. “She made Derrick apologise for his forefathers’ misdeeds…”

I choked on a chuckle, because Sandor was already stretching a third finger, and I could not wait to hear what came next.

“... and she made Joseph pray for forgiveness to the gods for not believing in them."

I had a hard time believing that, but I knew the captain was telling the truth. I laughed, as I disrelished that I couldn't have been there to watch that spectacle.

"Now I have fought a lot of battles in my life, and I’d die for my men if need be, but when she’s around I always remember the phrase: ‘choose your battles’.  And son, I’d choose any war I’ve ever fought in over a battle with Jeannie fucking Forrester.”

“She must be one hell of a woman.” I concluded.

“Nah, she’s all seven of them.” Sandor chuckled.

We jested for a bit, but in the absence of stories about other people, my mind slowly drifted back to the black pit of sorrow it was trying so hard to ignore. I could keep myself in check well enough to not dissolve into the puddle of despair I had been earlier. But it did feel that was only due to the fact that my stubborn composure wouldn’t slip in front of anyone but maybe Edmund, even though I was aware I could let it.

I knew I could trust Sandor to see the real me, yet something undefinable held me back. Kept me in check. Inhibited me from showing any more of those true feelings I had no reason to be ashamed of.

Instead, I laughed with him, joked with him. Until he finally asked me: “So, what are you going to do now?”

I had no answer, for I hadn’t thought about anything else than finding my Elijah up until now. Nevertheless, my brain instantly conjured-up all the possibilities one could consider in a mere instant.

Finishing the tour I was on was not an option. For that I was too far off schedule and out of range. That meant option number one was to head to Arken. I knew that’s where Edmund would be, and at least I had a place to stay there. Yet, I didn’t want to see the smug smile on his face, saying: ‘I told you so.’ I really didn’t think I could handle that.

And after the count of one, I ran out of options. There was nowhere else to go but Arken, for I may be a celebrity in a lot of places, I was at home in none.

But going back there would be giving up. Choosing reason over faith. And whatever life had in store for me then, I was certain I would not ever see him again. For if reason had the right, and Elijah was but a thief who did not return my feelings in the slightest, he would be making sure our paths never crossed again.

However, if we were truly fated, but I broke my promise to the gods, they would make sure I’d never lay eyes upon my soulmate again.

The mere notion hurt so much, that my choice was instantly clear.

I chose to believe.

Which meant I was going to keep looking for him, if only I had an inkling of where to look. They didn’t know him in the tavern in Glaudran, so he wasn’t a local. I guess…. It’s not as if I have explored that thought. But if he was, then the innkeeper should have been familiar with him. And, from his reaction, he clearly was not. Elijah also wasn’t accompanying either of the caravans that were there, so what options did that leave? That he was a sole traveller? A career thief picking up riches wherever he went?

Oh gods, that’s what he was, wasn’t he?

I groaned, eliciting an eyebrow raise from Sandor.

“I really fell for a criminal, didn’t I?” I clarified my chagrin.

“Yeah, you did.” He confirmed.

“That does not automatically entail that wouldn’t actually return my feelings, now does it?” I added in a slightly hopeful tone.

“It is unlikely, but not impossible.” The captain agreed. “But if he does love you back, the fear of consequences might refrain him from exposing himself.”

I sighed, but it was not a hopeless utterance. Instead, it came from a place of dedication. “I will tell the world. What I did today was unheard of, and it will no doubt cause damage to my reputation. But if it helps in prompting Elijah to return to me, it will be worth it. Therefore, I shall make it known I mean him no harm. The money he stole stands in no comparison to the meaning he’d add to my life if he could play a part in it. So that’s what I’ll do.” I confidently spoke.

“Are you sure?” Sandor asked me.

I nodded. The feeling of despair gone from my heart and replaced with hope.

“Do you know where you’ll go next?”

I shook my head. “No, I have no destination in mind, for I have not a clue where to start looking. I was hoping I could stay with you. Provide you with food and shelter whenever we enter a town I can play in, entertain you on the road when you have another job, spread my story as far and wide as I possibly can?”

“You want to tag along with us?” Sandor raised his bushy eyebrows.

“If you’ll have me?” I looked back at him, bracing for rejection.

The captain kissed his teeth. “Well… alright, but on two conditions. I know you’re a lover not a fighter, so I don’t expect you to be part of my team in that manner. Yet, I can’t be worrying about you when we’re in battle. It won’t happen often, but it will. And I’ll need myself and all of my men sharp and undistracted. So, the first condition is that when we’re on a job, you listen to me and obey my orders immediately and without question. If I tell you to run, you run. If I tell you to hide, you hide. No arguments, no dallying, no ‘ugh but if I dive into that ditch, I will get mud in my hair.’ Do you comply?”

“I do.”

“Good. The second thing is: you’re gonna have to be ready to fight if it is absolutely unavoidable. That means you will train with my men, and we will teach you how to wield a sword. Not because we want you to fight alongside us, but because we cannot afford to be concerned about your wellbeing when a battle is upon us.”

“I will do my best.” I told him, slightly scared but determined.

“Sir.” Sandor added with a stern gaze. I was suddenly reminded of the fact that the others did call the captain Sir, and I only now realised that I had accidentally enlisted myself.

“I will do my best, Sir.” I raised my voice at the end. For that’s how you’re supposed to say it, right?

Apparently not, because Sandor let out an amused chuckle. “Just kidding man. We’re deserters, remember? No need to call me sir. You just need to do what you just promised, then we’re good.”

“Thank you sir, um, Sandor.”

“Remember that you thanked me when we start your training.” He laughed.