I’m out to dinner with Mom and Daren. Family dinner. We’re at a fancy restaurant. In nice clothes
Daren let me borrow some of his since I didn’t have any.
We don’t get to see Mom much. And when we do she’s tired. She spends most time at work or out with friends. Every once in a while we’ll have dinner together. It always makes me anxious. I’m not sure why. She’s not going to hurt me. We don’t always agree. And we’ve gotten into fights recently.
Or more, She yells at me while I try not to cry. It’s been about me hanging out with Sebastian again. Daren put these ideas in her head that Sebastian is trying to take advantage of me.
But I’m almost eighteen now. I can decide that for myself. And it never really felt like he was doing that. Or at least not most of the time.
Daren doesn’t seem to mind that I’m hanging with him again. But he doesn’t like that I’m gone so much.
I’m the one everyone turns to if there is something that needs to be done at home. Like fixing the sink or the wall or moving large pieces of furniture. Or cleaning up some mess no one wants to clean up. Daren has been having to clean up more of his and Mom’s messes.
There’s already tension at the table. There was tension in the car too.
But
This is worse.
The waiter comes to our table. And gives us our menus.
Daren and the waiter share a look. Does Daren know them?
And I get an adult’s menu. I only started getting handed these a year or two ago. I’m not sure what I want. So I should probably just pick the cheapest option.
Daren taps me on the shoulder. “What are you getting?”
“Number 7, spaghetti”
He looks over his menu. “Oh, okay.”
He looks up. Across the table at Mom. “Ma, are we getting appetizers?”
She looks at him tired. “Sure”
We fall into a tense silence.
Then the waiter comes back, eyeing Daren. “Are you ready to order?”
Mom puts down her menu. “I’ll have the Lasagna”
The waiter writes something down. Then looks to Daren.
“I’ll have the, uh, fettuccine alfredo.” Daren gestures to me. “And he’ll have-”
“Let him order for himself” Mom interrupts Daren.
Daren exhales. “Okay, Hearst what do you want?”
Oh uh.
“Um, uh, Spaghetti” I manage.
The waiter writes both down.
“And we’ll have the garlic knots”
“Oh, and a margarita” Mom looks at Daren. “You’re driving.”
The waiter writes it down. “Will that be all?”
Daren gives the waiter an uncomfortable look. “Yes.”
And with that, the waiter leaves.
Mom eyes Daren. Daren looks down at the table. Mom’s eyes narrow. “Do you know that boy?”
Daren shrugs. “Yeah..”
“Were you friends?” She looks at him suspiciously.
Daren looks anywhere but at mom, “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Were you more than friends?” Mom raises her eyebrows.
“Can we not do this here?” Daren rubs his face.
“Please, mom.” There’s a hint of desperation in Daren’s voice.
Mom sits back in her chair. “Fine.”
Then looks to me. “What have you been up to lately?”
I look at her but don’t meet her eyes. “Not much, mostly staying home and doing school work.”
She nods. “Good.”
A pause. Awkward silence. Everyone just looks at the table. I’m not really sure what to do.
Mom points to Daren, “Daren when we get home, you tell who that was. Okay?”
Daren stares hard down at his hands.
“Okay,” He mumbles.
She seems satisfied. And more silence.
I take a sip from my glass.
Not sure what to do with myself. I guess I haven't been sure of what to do with myself my entire life. I stand around waiting for a purpose. A task to complete. Sometimes I feel like an object. You can pick me up or put me down whenever. I don’t have much intellectual value. I’m more just there to exist to be a topic of conversation or a tool used to do something. I don’t talk unless someone asks me to.
It’s been my normal. I’m not sure why I’m thinking of it now. It’s always been like this. It just feels like...
When no one else is around. I have no purpose. I just exist. Entirely on my own. It’s strange. And I don’t know if I like it or not.
I should get out of my head. I need to be here for Daren and Mom.
I stare down at the table. Listening to bits and pieces of conversations from other tables. There’s a calm ambiance.
I look over at Daren. He’s still staring down at his hands. He doesn’t look okay. I’ll ask him about it later. When Mom isn’t around.
Maybe the waiter was mean to him before and he doesn’t want to relive it.
I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t ask him. I’ll at least ask if he wants to talk about it.
Daren’s fragile sometimes. But not the same way I am. He gets attached to people quickly and breaks when they leave him. I just crumble when anyone does anything around me. Or at least it feels that way.
Daren looks up. I follow his gaze, the waiter is back. He places the garlic knots on the table. And places the margarita in front of Mom. She says thank you.
He nods. Then looks to Daren. They both freeze, looking at each other. “Look, Daren, I-”
Daren holds up his hand. The waiter closes his mouth.
“Save it.” Daren snaps. “If you wanted to say something to me, you should’ve said it then”
The waiter nods looking to the floor. “Sorry”
Daren shrugs. The waiter walks off to do his job.
Daren shakes his head and looks down at the table. He blinks. Then grabs a knot from the plate.
Mom takes a drink from her glass. She smiles contentedly.
I take a knot from the plate.
It’s been a while. We’ve eaten practically all our food. The waiter’s come back a few times to see if we need refills or anything.
Mom’s gotten a few more drinks. She’s been talking a bit.
Everything feels a little off tonight. I’m sort of scared Mom might say something bad in public. But she hasn’t said too much yet.
Mom and Daren are in an argument at the moment. I’m having a hard time focusing on what they’re saying. It’s too much right now. I think it’s about the guy who was our waiter.
“You can’t hurt yourself, just cuz you don’t like the body you were born in, not my fault you have a-”
“Stop fucking talking” Daren slams his hands on the table. He cuts her off before she can finish. He said it in a low, serious voice.
I want to cry. I know Mom wouldn't say this if she was sober. It’s just the alcohol talking. I can’t really blame her. But it hurts so much. And in front of so many people. I can’t handle any of this.
Daren stares daggers at Mom. Mom acts like she didn’t say anything.
I need to get out of this. I raise my hand a bit. “Uh.”
They both look at me. “I need to use the restroom,” I mumble.
Mom smiles, eyes narrowed. “Which one ya going in, sweetheart?”
I look down. “Uh-”
I can’t cry now. Not in front of her. Not like this.
Daren glares at Mom, “Mom.”
I scoot my chair back. And get up. And start walking toward the bathrooms. I stop at the entrance. They don’t have a family one... Those are more private. I only use them if there isn’t someone else waiting, since I am just one person without a kid or anything.
I amble into the men’s room. I don’t really need to go.
I pass a tall man in a suit as he walks out. And go into the first open stall. I put down the seat lid. And sit down, pulling my legs up to my chest. No one’ll see my legs from outside the stall.
I get out my phone. And go to messages. I tap on Sebastian. I don’t know why but I want to talk to him. He always makes me feel okay. Or at least he’s never made me feel bad about myself, or my body.
I read the last conversation we had.
Seb. “Wanna hang out sometime later this week?”
Me. “Okay.”
Me. “when?”
Seb. “Thursday?”
Seb. “Len has the day off so I can use the car and we can go somewhere”
Me. “Okay, I’ll ask Daren if it’s okay.”
Seb. “You’re 17, why do you have to ask him?”
Me. “I don’t know, I just do it out of habit I guess”
“I don’t want him to worry about me”
I feel the tears coming. I can’t make any sounds. I really don’t want anyone to ask me if I’m okay.
I muffle myself with my sleeve. And wipe my eyes on it too. My phone fumbles in my hands and I accidentally exit out of messages.
I look at my phone through the tears trying to get back to messages.
I send a text. “Something bad happened”
No reply.
“Me and Daren are at a restaurant with Mom”
“She said something.”
“I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”
Seb. “Wuts goin on?”
“Ur mom?”
Me. “Yeah”
Seb. “do u want to tlk?”
Me. “Maybe”
Seb. “Abt wut ur mom said or?”
Me. “No, I don’t want to think about it.”
Seb. “Ok.”
Me. “I missed you, I wish you were here.”
Seb. “Thx”
Me. “Last year I got really lonely.”
“I hardly even talked to Daren”
“I didn’t feel anything.”
“Not sad or angry or happy.”
“Just nothing.”
“I wish we never stopped hanging out”
I don’t know why this is all coming back now.
“I kept thinking about myself, which only felt worse.”
“I had this pair of scissors.”
Seb. “Wait, wut r u saying?...”
Me. “I used it on my arm.”
“I cut my arm.”
Seb. “Wait”
Me. “It made me feel different, I liked it.”
“I don’t anymore. But”
Seb. “Wut”
“But”
“U”
Me. “Sebastian.”
I go to start typing another message.
But,
Seb. “Sebatsien?”
“Wait who is this?”
What?
Me. “Heath..?”
Seb. “Holy fuk”
“Health?”
Me. “Yeah?”
Seb. “Baz left hihs fone home.”
Wait…
Is this?
Seb. “I was playing on it”
“Then u txted”
“im really fukin drunki”
“im rlly fukin srry”
Me. “Where’s Sebastian?”
Seb? “Out with frends”
“This is Lennon”
I-
I’ve made everything worse.
No.
Why did I do any of this? I shouldn’t have said anything.
Seb, er Lennon. “Wuts going on, u need someone to come get u?”
Me. “no.”
Lennon. “R u going to hurt urself?”
Me. “No.”
Lennon. “Haeht”
“I dont want u hurt”
I freeze. I didn’t think he liked me. Why does he care?
Lennon. “Im gonna soder up and get u”
Me. “No, you don’t have to”
Lennon. “I dont feel commforable leaving u like this”
“Im go to drive to u one way or another.”
“If u need me to pick u up right away txt and say so”
“Also txt when u r leaving so I kno where to pick u up from”
Me. “You don’t have to”
Lennon. “I’m going to fukin do it no matter what so just promise ull txt”
I don’t know about this.
Me. “Okay.”
Lennon. “R u with them now?”
Me. “I’m in the bathroom”
Lennon. “And u dont need me to pick u up?”
Me. “It’ll be fine.”
Lennon. “If anything goes wrong again or gets worse, txt me, er Baz.”
Me. “Okay.”
Why does he want to help me?
