Mom puts the money in the tray. And gets up, “You two ready?”
I nod. Daren grunts.
“Alright let’s go then,” She holds out her hand behind her. She wants me to take it.
But I don’t want to...
She opens and closes her fingers. I reluctantly put my hand in hers. We start walking to the exit, and Daren trails behind.
We get outside to the parking lot. Mom and I get across the parking lot to the car, we wait for Daren there.
He’s stopped outside the restaurant talking to the guy who was our waiter. They seem to be in a tense conversation.
Mom groans impatiently. She lets go of my hand. Thank you.
I rub my clammy hand on my pants.
Daren finally starts walking over to us, looking disgruntled. He unlocks the car and I get in the back. Daren and Mom get in the front.
We back out of the parking spot. And start driving. It’s quiet, everything feels uneasy.
I grab my phone out to distract myself and find a notification for a text for “Seb”.
Oh!
Right.
I’m supposed to tell him. I don’t know if I want him to pick me up. I don’t feel good. I don’t want to spend tonight at home with Mom but she’ll probably just go to bed.
I send a text telling him we’re leaving. And another saying he doesn’t need to pick me up. No reply.
A quiet drive home. No one talks. We listen to what’s on the radio.
Daren parks in the apartment’s shared lots. We all get out and into the building, walking up the stairs. And into our apartment.
Mom immediately collapses on the couch. Daren goes to his room. I stand at the door. Not sure what to do with myself.
I finally take my shoes off. And go to my room.
I should give Daren his nice clothes back. I look around in my dresser for comfortable clothes. I find a sweater and sweatpants. I take off the clothes Daren gave me and put mine on.
I leave my room and go knock on Daren's door.
A faint “What?” Comes from the other side of the door.
“I have your clothes,” I say.
“Oh, come in.”
I open the door. He’s laying on his bed using his phone. “I thought you were Mom coming in to yell at me.”
I look down. “About the_”
He exhales deeply. “Yes, about that guy who served us.”
“Sure, I dated him, but it doesn’t fucking matter anymore. It was only for a few months, not even serious,” He grumbles.
“She doesn’t need to know about every little thing I do,” He starts to complain, “And yeah, he hurt me, but who hasn’t?”
He sits up looking me dead in the eyes. “Did you know he caught me outside before we left, asking me to take him back”
“Can you fucking believe him?” He shakes his head seriously, “I said no, and I never would.”
He’s talking a lot.
I blink. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He thinks for a minute. “No, I’m done.”
He waves his hand, “You can put the clothes on my dresser.”
I place them on his dresser and step out of his room going back into my room.
I hear a notification sound from my phone. I pick it up and look.
It’s from Seb, er Lennon. “I’m here.”
Oh….
He’s…
He’s outside?
Lennon. “I’m coming up to get u if u don’t come down.”
“We don’t have to go anywhere, I just want to talk to u for a min”
Me. “Okay.”
I quietly step out of my room and through the living room out the door and down the steps, and out the last door.
I hesitantly walk around the building to the parking lot. His car is parked in one of the spots, he’s leaning against it. I can’t do this. I pause. I can’t move.
He sees me. And gestures for me to come over.
I take a deep breath. Last time we talked he was so aggressive. And now he knows everything. Or at least a lot. This is bad.
I take long shaky steps towards the car. He pats the spot beside him. I walk within speaking distance, stop and stand on wobbling legs...
He gives me a sad smile.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come,” His voice is calm and deeper than Sebastian’s. A bit gruffer too.
“Heath, I-”
I look up at him. He gives me a pained look. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I want you to be safe,” He looks down at the ground. “I want you to know I’m a safe person to talk to.”
He scowls down at the ground, “I won’t say shit about what you told me,”
He looks back up, at me, “And if there’s anything else you need to get off your chest, I’m here”
He pauses. “Maybe about your mom?”
I shake my head. And start backing away.
He rubs his face. “Heath. Please.”
I stop, my body trembling.
He looks at me, tired. “I would feel better if I knew you were going to be okay.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose, “I’m not trying to make you say shit you’re not ready to.”
He pauses. “Can I-”
“Can I see your arm?” He asks in a low but gentle tone.
I really don’t want to have to talk about it.
He looks down from my face to my arm maybe, “I won’t freak out, I’m not like Baz, I don’t have that emotional connection with you that he does.”
That’s true… But I don't know if I can trust him.
He looks back at my face. “Can you at least say something?”
I pull on the ends of my sleeves.
“I-” I choke on my words.
He waits for me to continue. I don’t.
But
I feel it coming.
My eyes sting. Hot, wet tears pool in my eyes. I can’t see much of anything anymore. I try to wipe away the tears, but more just keep coming.
“I’m sorry” I mumble.
“Hey, hey. No,” He says softly, starting to walk over, “You don’t say sorry to me.”
“Bu- but I didn’t mean to tell you,” I bury my face in my sleeve.
“I never should have said anything,” Muffled sobs escape me.
I should go. This isn’t getting any better.
I feel his hands on my shoulders. “Hey, shh, shh.”
One hand leaves my shoulder. Then I feel it patting my head. “Uh, everything’s going to be okay.”
I don’t think either of us believes that.
“Can you tell me why you did it?” He asks voice spiked with anxiety, “Maybe there’s a way to get through this”
“I haven’t done it in a long time” I snivel.
I try again to wipe the tears away. I’m more successful, but not much more.
He pats my shoulder, “You said that but how long is a long time?”
I wipe snot on my sleeve, “A few weeks”
“Weeks?” He stammers.
“Yeah,” I murmur.
A moment of silence where he just pats my head and I just cry.
His hand leaves my head, “How do I know you won’t do it again?”
“I won’t.”
“Convince me,”
I-
How do I-
I falter, “I- I did it because I was lonely, I’m not lonely anymore.”
“Because you have Baz?” He questions.
“Yeah...” I nod stiffly.
“He won’t always be there for you, what will you do then?” He counters.
I haven’t really thought about that. And I don’t want to. “I’ll be fine”
“You didn’t answer my question,” He shoots back.
I don’t know what I’ll do. “I’ll spend time with Daren.”
“And if he’s at work or not around?”
It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. “I’ll write or read or watch something.”
He pauses, “I don’t believe you..”
I exhale a deep and shaky breath. What am I supposed to do? I didn’t even want him to know. Now he won’t leave me alone till I stop. But I already stopped. He thinks I’ll do it again.
“You know what Heath,” He shakes his head, hanging it in shame, “I’m sorry.”
He sighs, “I’m probably the last person you want to be lecturing you on this.”
He furrows his brow, “I haven’t really been the best to you.”
“No-” I start to say without thinking, “-You haven’t,”
I- I don’t know if it makes me feel good or bad. I don’t want him to hurt. But I’m glad he’s sorry.
“But-” I lower my sleeve, “-I forgive you”
His hand leaves my head. “You do?”
“Can I tell Baz?”
I wipe my eyes again. “I guess.”
He pauses and grabs out his phone. No, it has the fancy purple case. That's Sebastian’s phone.
Oh. I sent those texts to that phone. I don’t want to talk about all of this all over again. I- I need those texts deleted. “UH, Lennon?”
He looks at me, “Yeah?”
“Can you, um. Can you delete the texts I sent you?” I ask uneasily.
He lowers the phone. “What, you don’t want Baz to know now?”
I shake my head.
“‘Fraid he’ll overreact?” Lennon frowns, sympathetic.
“Maybe” Yes.
“Okay, I’ll delete them” He looks me in the eyes, “But you have to do something in return for me”
No, no. I’m trying not to resent you. Please don’t make it harder.
“You have to call me anytime things get bad again,” He raises his eyebrows, “Not just, “I’m going to hurt myself” bad, but I’m scared or lonely or unhappy, or any kind of bad. If things start feeling wrong, text me, if things start feeling bad enough, call me.”
“I don’t care what time or place, call me, even if I’m at work, I’ll take immediate sick leave and come to you and sit with you or talk till you’re feeling better,” He says exasperated, “Okay?”
I freeze. Why does he want to help me? I’m only causing problems for him. I take Sebastian’s attention away from him. I take up space in his house. He has to sleep on the couch when I stay over. That was what Sebastian said he has to do even though I said I could sleep on the couch.
I’m not really nice to him either, I’m not outwardly mean. But, I don’t- I’m not sure, I don’t really regard him.
So why would he want to help me?
He leans down to meet my level. Even though he’s not too much taller than me, “Okay?”
He won’t delete them unless I say yes…
“Okay,” I finally answer.
He stands up straight again. And holds up the phone. Facing it between us so I can see. He deletes the texts.
One by one.
With each delete, I feel a bit better.
I guess it’ll be fine. I don’t have to text or call him if I don’t want to.
He looks back at me after deleting the last one. “You can call me no matter what.”
I nod.
He sighs, “You’re not going to are you..”
I shake my head.
“Look, I want you to know you have an option, a safe person to talk to if you need someone to be there or if you need to be stopped,” he says, serious, “If you don’t want to call, that's fine, but at least text me once in a while.”
I nod. I probably won’t.
“Do you have your phone?” He puts Sebastian’s phone back in his pocket.
I shake my head, “I left it in my room.”
He makes a small laugh. “Okay, what’s your number then?”
I tell him as he puts the numbers in.
He takes a deep breath, “You said everything’s cooled down since you had dinner?”
I nod.
He looks around, “I had planned on taking you somewhere and having to spend the whole night with you, so I took the day off tomorrow..”
Oh.
No.
I.
“And Baz was going to hang out with friends tomorrow. Friends I don’t associate with,” He leans in looking a little embarrassed, “I guess I’m very free tomorrow if things get worse.”
He shrugs, “If you or Daren need a place to stay.”
I nod.
We both stand there for a minute. Not sure what to do with ourselves.
“I’m glad you told me, or at least someone,” Lennon says awkwardly.
Oh. I look up at him. He stares down at me. Giving me a kind but sorry smile.
I’m not sure why I never liked him. I guess he was a bit mean. But that’s not all he is. I’ve never seen him like this.
His smile turns into a pained toothy grin. “Did you wanna hug before I go?”
Oh-
Uh-
“UH, um, I-” I fluster.
He looks down with a laugh, “Not so much?”
I step forward and wrap my arms around him. He seems like he needs a hug, I’m not sure why. I guess hearing that your partner’s best friend’s little brother was hurting himself is pretty emotionally taxing.
He puts his arms around me, patting the part of my back between my shoulder blades. I pat his back too. This hug is unbearably stiff and uncomfortable.
We both let go. He blinks, “Okay, call, or at least text me, if I don’t get at least a text every week, I’m personally coming to your house and checking on you,” He starts backing away, “Okay bye, and good night Heath.”
I blink. Come here every week?
“Goo- good night.” I manage.
He turns to his car to get in. I quietly walk back around the building to the entrance. I hear him pull out of the parking spot.
I put my hand on the door handle and look over my shoulder to see his car drive away.
I wait there for a minute. It’s so calm and quiet at night, the loudest sounds are the bugs swarming around the apartment light.
I open the door and step in slowly walking up the stairs. I get inside our apartment.
I hear something. Though it’s quiet. A
Something.
I walk further in. Past the couch. Mom isn’t laying there anymore, she must’ve gone to bed.
It’s.
Well, Daren’s door is closed.
But.
I hear something coming from inside. I knock softly. And listen for his answer.
A muffled. “Don’t come in.”
I stare at the door. Not sure what to do. I knock again. This time, saying it’s Hearst.
I hear him get up. The door opens. There stands Daren. Disheveled and crying. Tears dripping from his eyes, and snot dripping from his nose. I wonder what I look like when I cry.
He looks tired too. He stares at me, “What?”
“Is everything-”
“No, it’s not.” He snaps at me.
I jump back a bit.
What happened to him? Did his partner break up with him? He usually acts like this when he loses a romantic partner.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I ask barely above a whisper.
He looks down. “It’s Mom..”
He steps out of the doorway, letting me in. “She came in and yelled at me.”
He sits on his bed, I sit next to him.
He continues, “I just told her that what happened with that guy doesn’t matter, I’m twenty-two, I shouldn’t need to tell her everything.”
“She started yelling after that,” He scowls, “How come you can go around sleeping with Bastian anytime you want but-”
I freeze, feeling uneasy with where this is going.
He laughs dryly, “I mean, she didn’t even yell when you- when he- When she found out you kissed him.”
Wait-
no.
I didn’t think either of them knew…. How’d? Who told them?
I can’t breathe.
“But when I so much as hold somebody’s hand, I’m a fucking slut or some shit,” His breathing gets sharp.
I need to leave. I’m scared. I-
I don’t want to be here.
He’s scaring me.
“You know how good you have it, Heath?” He scoffs, “Mom loves you so fucking much.”
“Even though I’m the one providing, I’m the one who actually does anything,” He fumes.
Please stop.
Please.
I shut my eyes. And try to calm my breathing. I don’t want to start crying again.
“Why should you get everything?” He lays back in his bed. Pulling at his hair. “I’m nothing to her.”
“I try and I try and-” He whines.
“Fuck,” He looks over at me. “You know why I haven’t left yet?”
I shake my head slightly.
He seems to be calming down... “Because I was worried about leaving you with Mom, alone.”
He looks up at the ceiling, “But, maybe it wouldn't be that bad, she’s easier on you.”
“I could pack my shit up now, and leave. Stay at a friend’s till I find an apartment to rent.”
“Gah, I don’t even know what I’m saying” He smushes his palms into his eyes.
Neither of us says anything much after that. I eventually leave him, going into my room and lying on my bed.
I’m now completely unable to sleep.
