He did? Aidan blinked in surprise, trying to understand what to make of the unusual silence in his head. Maybe he was still dreaming. Though if he was, why was Chris still standing there, looking at him as though he was expecting some kind of an answer?

“Oh. Um… thanks, I guess. I guess I uh… you know, me too.”

For some reason he chuckled, shaking his head dismissively.

“No.”

“No?”

“That’s not it.”

“Huh?”

“That’s not how I meant it.”

“It’s not how you… then… I don’t understand.”

Although he was still smiling, Chris sighed, resting his hand on the counter and tilting his head.

“Do you really not?”

“I- no. Chris I really, I don’t know what-”

Oh. Oh. Aidan’s eyes widened, staring at Chris like a deer caught in headlights. No, he must have misunderstood him. That couldn’t be what he meant, could it? He desperately searched Chris’ expression for something, anything that would make this right.

“No. Come on, that’s not funny.” Aidan could feel something bubbling up in his gut, and it wasn’t the wine from last night. How bright the kitchen suddenly seemed had nothing to do with it either. “It’s… you’re joking right? It’s a joke.”

“It’s not.” Chris shrugged, his lips tightening into a soft line in the most guilty of admissions.

“I… what… what are you saying?” He stammered weakly. “Why are you even telling me this?”

Was this a dream after all? No, not a dream. A nightmare. Maybe it was. It would have explained how Chris could just stand there, answering his questions so calmly, as if he didn’t… didn’t just...

“I don’t understand.” His hands tightened into fists on his thighs, though it did nothing to stop the feeling of his grip on reality quickly slipping away. “How can you even… when you know I…”

Chris shrugged again, his smile diminished. “Because I do. I figured you would understand it better than anyone else.”

Aidan blinked in surprise. Chris’ tone wasn’t mad or accusatory, but his words still made a spike of anger rise in his chest. 

“It’s not the same,” he insisted. 

“Why not?”

“Because… because it’s not! My god Chris, how can you even say it is?! I never… and Ben isn’t...” The fact Chris still looked so calm and collected while he felt like he was losing his mind only made Aidan’s body hotter. “I… what am I even supposed to do?!”

“You don’t have to do anything,” he replied softly. Aidan hated how he looked at him with something too close to compassion. Pity, maybe. “This doesn’t change anything. It’s just that now you know.”

“Me knowing changes everything! I just don’t get why, why did you even-“ a pained crease formed between his eyebrows. Why did he have to feel this way about him? Why Chris, of all people? He swallowed hard, gritting his teeth together. The wrinkle between his eyes deepened before he spoke again.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” he let out a shaky sigh as he slid off the stool. “I’ll finish packing after work.”

At long last, something that wasn’t as serene colored Chris’ expression. His own brows pushed together and his lips tightened in clear dissatisfaction as he straightened back up.

“Aidan-“

“I’ll leave the key with the doorman.”

“Aidan wait-“

But he couldn’t. It was like the frantic beating of his heart dictated the pace of his steps, urging him to escape the kitchen, to escape Chris as fast as he could. Down the hallway again and into the bathroom, Aidan closed the door behind him, locked it and leaned against the hard wood. Was the room spinning because he couldn’t breathe or was it because he couldn’t stop shaking?

The soft sound of footsteps approaching made him hold his breath, his fingers tightened around the handle when they stopped right outside. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for – anything, everything – but all he heard from the other side was silence. Aidan waited for a second, then a minute, maybe more. He knew he was there, could almost feel him through the door, as though Chris’ own weight was pushing back against his, but he couldn’t bring himself to be the one to speak first. Not when there was nothing he could say.

“At least let me drive you to work.” The offer, muffled as it was, felt like a sharp current of electricity that shot through him, making him tense. Chris was trying to sound normal, he knew it, but his voice was too gentle again, too careful. Aidan swallowed the bile rising in his throat and took a steadying breath.

“It’s fine. I’ll just get a cab or take the bus.”

“I’m heading in that direction anyway. You won’t even have to talk to me.” Why did he have to try and sound so cheerful, like he wasn’t smiling in that sad way that made Aidan’s chest twist with pain and worry? “I have a few calls to make and I’d rather do them while I drive and not just sitting in the office anyway.”

“You shouldn’t. I don’t trust you not to cause an accident that gets us both killed.”

There was a short pause, perhaps brought on by the bitter bite to Aidan’s tone, before Chris spoke again. 

“Don't joke about this.”

“I’m the only one allowed to. Orphan privileges, remember?” Losing his father all those years ago should have at least granted him this much.

Another short pause, this time one he could swear was accompanied by a quiet sigh from Chris – though he couldn’t tell for sure. At least not until an unmistakable one came right after it, along with a soft tap from the other side of the door.

“I’ll leave some breakfast on the counter. Your hangover is gonna be much worse if you don’t eat something. And just… think about it okay?” He added quietly. “I meant what I said. Nothing has to change.”

This time, he didn’t have a snarky or witty retort. There was nothing to think about. What Chris just told him… he doubted things between them could ever be the same again. The new silence they fell into was one that stretched on and on, perhaps even longer than the first one. Aidan found himself waiting again, though what for he still didn’t know.

One, two… His eyes moved across the tiles at his feet, trying to follow the perfectly lined rows and columns. One, two… One two three… One… 

It was only when he heard footsteps again, this time walking away, that he let out the breath he’s been holding. In the span of less than twenty-four hours he had lost not just Ben, but Chris as well. Aidan closed his eyes and collapsed against the door with a soft grunt, finally allowing the question he’s been running away from to truly form in his mind.

Just what the hell was he going to do now?