Chapter 6

,,What, have you never seen a Pride flag? His eyes shine with excitement.

,,Obviously I have, I just didn’t know that…you..” I can’t even finish my sentence from all the shock. He on the other hand seems completely fine and confident in everything he does. How he does it is however still a mystery for me.

  ,,...Were queer? Yeah, it took me a while to realise, I’ll tell you that. My father wasn’t exactly a fan either,” he suddenly scoffs and looks away. I know what that feels like, maybe not with my dad, but I’d say that the twenty seven classmates of mine give just about the same effect.

  ,,My mum commited suicide when I was-”

,,Thirteen, I know. You told us at the first group session.” Harry interrupts me and sits back next to me on his new bed. What surprises me in some way is that he remembers just how old I was when it happened. Back when I said it we didn’t even really know each other yet, so he had no reason to keep such a piece of information in his mind, and he did anyway.

  His eyes are now staring straight into my soul and I don’t know why but suddenly I want to tell him everything. And so I do, or at least as much as I can still remember from that terrible experience.

  ,,Yeah, you know that much. What you don’t know is the details and things like that,” I take a deep breath and start playing with my fingers. 

,,We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he puts on a caring expression and moves a little closer. 

  ,,That’s fine, I want you to know. So she killed herself two and something years back, I remember it was in march and dad wasn’t around anymore. They decided to live separately since they didn’t see eye to eye anymore, and so I lived with her and dad moved here. She was actually really anxious all the time and I think she was even depressed a lot. So one day after we argued as usual I told her I was gonna crash at dad’s for a few days, so I went. And later when I came back to get some of my stuff I saw her- I saw her in the kitchen and…she uh-” my eyes fill with tears and my fingers start twitching uncontrollably as I start shaking. I thought this was over, that it wasn’t going to happen once again, but now as I see it I don’t think so anymore.

  Harry puts his strong arm around both of my shoulders and strokes my face softly. 

,,Shh, it’s okay, I’m here,” he whispers as he’s holding me. And I don’t resist, instead I snuggle up to him and cry silently into his hoodie. It’s actually really nice, to let it all out after such a long time of trying to keep it inside.

  His long fingers start tracing all around my back and up my neck, slowly passing into my messy hair. There's a certain warmth coming from his touch and somehow I find it really comforting. At this point I wish for nothing else but for this moment to never end.

  ,,Why are you being like this to me?” I ask after a good five minutes of crying into his chest.

,,Like what?” He asks me while looking at my red cheeks and puffy lips.

,,...like you care about me.” I don’t know why but somehow the thought of him truly caring about me still feels quite unreal to me. After all, we’ve basically just got to know each other, not to mention my problem of letting people in my life after all the things I’ve been through, after all the pain they’ve caused me. But he seems…different? Who knows if it isn’t just my mind making up crazy scenarios to save itself from a mental breakdown.

  ,,I do care about you! Don’t you act like you didn’t know that. I swear to God, if this is just another one of your calls for attention-”

,,It’s not a call for attention!! It never was!” I push him away and give him an irritated and sarcastic look. He just laughs mockingly and draws his lower lip between his teeth. 

  At this point, I want to punch him.

  ,,Of course it’s not, how could it ever be?!” He lies back on the bed and leans his head against the wall. One or two thick strands of hair fall into his face so he lifts his right hand and pulls it back to where it belongs.

  At this point, I no longer want to punch him, I want to kiss him. I just don’t know how.

  All of the sudden he pulls my lost shirt from under him and shows it to me. I immediately reach for the shirt but he just straightens his long arm and puts my shirt on the other side of the bed. I want it so bad I even try to reach over him just to get it but he manages to throw it down on the floor.

 ,,You idiot, it’s fucking freezing here!” I raise my voice and punch him in his chest playfully. 

,,Oh yeah, is that how you wanna play it?” He tries to get up but I prevent him from doing it by sitting on his long hull. I put my leg on each side of his body and pray to God he won’t react badly. 

  He slowly stops laughing and as he realises the position we’re currently in he snaps his mouth shut and continues to speak only with his eyes. He searches through my face and my shoulders, he glazes at my hair for a bit and then smiles lightly.

  His hands hesitantly anchor somewhere on my thighs and mine on his chest. We stare at each other for some time and then I decide to break this awkward moment and start tickling him intensely. His face seems pretty thrown out of the moment and for a while he does nothing but look at me. 

  ,,Oh you’re so done!” He shouts suddenly and throws me on the bed carelessly. I wanna fight, but it’s like I’m made out of paper. I don’t even notice his hands getting closer to me and before I know it he pins me to the bed.

  ,,What are you gonna do now?” He gets out of his mouth while breathing heavily and panting uncontrollably.

  I’m so scared to do anything. I’m so afraid he’s going to hate me for taking action, that he’s going to be mad at me for trying anything. You’ll never know unless you try it, the words of my therapist suddenly appear in my head and I feel a bit more confident. 

  I look him in the eyes and for the first time I truly know what I want to do, and what to do to achieve it.

  I lift my head and get closer to him, close enough to feel his breath and hear his thoughts. I support myself by my elbows and move even closer. His eyes close and his breathing calms as we’re nearly touching noses now. At this point his whole body is lying on mine and his hands are supporting him on the bed. 

  Without hesitation I press my lips against his and let the moment happen. He immediately takes action and continues with what I started. His soft lips slowly rub against mine as we are in the middle of this deep kiss. My hands break down and we both fall on the bed, which is followed by a quiet laugh. 

  His arms wrap around my waist and he lets out a quiet moan. Then he flips me in his arms and puts me on top of him. It’s all happening way too fast, faster than I imagined, but I think it’s going according to plan. 

  He suddenly stops kissing me and looks at me carefully.

,,I’m sorry, I must’ve got caught up in the moment or something,” he laughs lightly and sits up. I’m still on top of him, but it doesn’t seem to bother him at this point.

  ,,It’s alright, I started it.” I reply to his strange apology.

,,Yeah I know, but I set the mood and everything…” he looks down at our legs and then completely away. I have no idea how to process this conversation. 

,,Did I do something wrong?” I ask hesitantly with guilt in my voice. He shakes his head and looks at me again.

  ,,No, not at all. I just, I want this to happen, properly, you know, when we’ll both feel like it’s the right choice.” He says dejectedly.

,,Oh, yeah, uh- I should, I should go…sorry” I get out of our tight clasp and once I step on the floor again I stagger so I need to hold on to the corner of the bed in order to not fall down. Harry notices my movement and reaches his hand out to me to stop me from falling but I withdraw my hand fast enough.

  ,,I’m good, I’m good!” I almost shout at him in clear panic, open the door and get out of the room as soon as I can. I instantly head to my room and shut the door close the second I get there. I didn’t even notice my dad sitting on the couch probably thinking God knows what about what just happened in that room considering my shirtless body running around the house.

  What the hell just happened?!