“You don’t, uh, you don’t talk much, huh?” Viscryn asked, sitting near them in the library with Astra and Jasper - the latter of which was tensely staring at him from across the table. It was a week after speaking to Kylantha when things started to return to normal. Cithrel and Astra had gone to the library to study and catch up on work, though Jasper had been unwillingly dragged along. Now he was antsy and pissed off, because Viscryn had seen them and begged to sit with them.

Cithrel didn’t want to refuse. They just didn’t understand why.

Astra glanced at Cithrel when he asked, for no one had told him about the mutism and what had caused it. At most, he knew that they were learning sign language, though it was not surprising for someone who would have to learn stealth.

“I never did,” they signed, giving him an incredulous look. He looked a little sheepish until Astra sighed, closing her notebook to translate. 

“I - well - yeah, but it’s-” He swallowed, scratching at a new scrape by his throat. Cithrel watched his Adam’s apple bob for a moment. “But usually you still say something. I know you sorta punched me when I was being an idiot, but you aren’t, like, mad, right?”

“No.”

Viscryn looked like he was waiting for more, and somehow Cithrel felt like they had disappointed him. They had hated him until recently, though they were unsure of what had changed. It began when Viscryn cornered Jasper - again - only to apologize to him, incoherently rambling about gay people being okay and whatnot until Jasper was basically begging him to shut the hell up. Viscryn wouldn’t leave him alone, now, following him like a lost puppy as if trying to make up for it. 

It only got worse when the Academy moved him to Cithrel’s team after Eldrin was decidedly not coming back, though it felt like everyone was giving up on Eldrin. Jasper had nearly considered switching teams when he moved in.

“Fuck, dude, can’t we just act like nothing ever happened?” Jasper had asked, for once losing his excited, cheerful demeanor when he had caught Viscryn looking at him guiltily for the fifth time.

“I just - I can’t believe I did that,” Viscryn had said. Finally, Jasper had glanced at the other two in the dorm, closing their bedroom door to talk. 

When they had emerged, Jasper looked at Cithrel a little differently, though they didn’t understand why. He had only said, “He feels bad for what he said to you, too.”

Now, Cithrel understood why Viscryn was being so weird. He was blushing, now, fidgeting with a pen until he accidentally snapped it, spilling ink on Jasper’s textbook. For the first time with him, Jasper laughed though Astra was complaining about rental costs and detention. 

“What’s your issue?” Cithrel asked Viscryn, tapping at Astra to translate. 

Viscryn was somehow even more red, nearly matching his hair. “Fuck. I didn’t think you’d notice. I mean, you’re smart and I’m a fucking idiot, so it’s kind of obvious you’d notice, but I didn’t think it’d-”

Cithrel touched his arm, silencing him. Really, they were just annoyed that he rambled so badly. “Shut up and just tell me. You’re giving me a headache.” 

He snickered when Astra translated. “I really don’t want to do this with them near - especially since Astra’s gonna have to tell me what you’re saying. You know back when I asked if you were a lesbian? Before I knew about - uh - nonbinary people? It’s - I think I like you, you know? So, uh, do you wanna go - um - out?”

They did. More than anything. Cithrel had felt like a fool for finding his biceps and his voice hot, but now it caused them dread. Rejection would have been easier because then he wouldn’t have to deal with them and-

Finally something in their mind clicked with their voice, but it was while they were already standing, their eyes wide in utter terror that he would one day know and regret ever dating them. They spoke quickly, voice rusty from disuse before running away: “No.”

–

Cithrel was stupid - they knew they were the moment the others came home and they hid in their room, pretending to be away. Viscryn was quieter than usual, and for once the dorm was silent. “I thought you said they liked me,” he finally said.

“Well, I did,” Astra said. They could practically hear the guilt in her voice. “I know they do. They told me.”

It happened late one night, one month without going to the hospital, when Cithrel could feel it coming and for the first time, took their medicine to stop it. They had a fear that they would never speak again if it happened. Astra had been curious about it. “What changed?” She had asked. 

Cithrel looked towards the shared wall that separated them from the boys. “I don’t want him to know.” 

“I don’t think he would be that big of a dick about it,” she said, whispering. “He really seems different than the Viscryn you punched.” 

They had felt their face heat up when they looked away from Astra’s increasingly-inquisitive stare. “I don’t - I don’t want you to tell him. He might think I’m too weak.”

Astra, without ever using her magic to read their mind, said, “You’re not too weak for him.”

Now, their crush was sitting with Astra, trying to understand what had happened. “Maybe you misunderstood,” he said to her.

“I can’t-” Astra hesitated. “I can’t speak for them, but you should try. Just trust me.”

The secret did not escape Astra, and Cithrel finally relaxed. She would not tell him - not without their permission. They had been wrong to have been so mean to her all those times before.