‘No, Mitch, no one has made a move on me on the rehearsal dinner and I find it hard to believe someone will actually try something during the reception …

‘I told you to come with me, sweet—

‘Because you can’t ask a bridezilla to change her wedding day only because her gay brother-in-law can’t attend it, well, I can’t, anyway …

‘I know I’m her brother, Mitch, but unlike our own wedding, this one is actually being paid for by my parents …

‘I know you’d never take their money even if it meant—

‘You know how much I loved our wedding, Mitch, don’t distort—

‘Because you are, my love. We both know you’re missing today not because you have to stay home to welcome your mother, but because you hate my family …

‘I never blamed you for that, babe, and I find it unfair of you to suggest otherwise …

‘I’m not mad at you, you just know I don’t like it when you hide—

‘Then put your mom in the car and drive here. If you leave now, you can still make the vows …

‘Yeah, I can’t even believe I said that with a straight face. Can you imagine the look on my mother’s face if you arrived with your family?

‘Well, maybe you should. If today goes as dull as yesterday, at least we’d have a funny story to tell in the future …

‘Is that the doorbell I hear? Has your mom arrived— Never mind, I can hear her. She isn’t alone, who’s with—

‘Hey, Jessica! Long time, indeed! Tell me about it, you and Mitch will get all the fun while I’m stuck halfway across the state pretending to laugh at my father’s jokes …

‘Well, blame your own brother and his never-ending “We don’t turn our backs on family” speech. He went on about it for months …

‘Well, you’re too sweet. Can I get back to your brother now? Oh, is he? Good, the exercise will do him good …

‘You could have told me I was on speaker, Jessie. He’ll make me regret saying that.

‘If I’m sober enough, tonight. I doubt, though. There’s no way I can face this day without as much liquor as I can ingest …

‘Oh, hey, babe. Good to be back to you …

‘What?

‘You have?! How wonderful!

‘I can’t bail on my sister’s wedding, Mitch. That would be worse than not attending at all. Now that I am here, I have to sit through it. Gosh, I hope they don’t expect me to act as if I’m liking it …

‘Officially, around eleven, why do you ask?

‘Okay, I’m listening …

‘That sounds like a solid plan. If I do my part now, they won’t even notice I moved my car …

‘Fine. I’m doing it. I’m leaving the room to go move it. I’ll send you the right address once I have it. So, to make it clear, you’ll drive with your sister and she’ll drive her car back to our house …

‘Is this the real reason your family is visiting this weekend, Mitch, just so you could have a rescue plan for me?

‘I don’t deserve you, sweetie, you know that.

‘Okay, maybe I do. Just out of curiosity, where do you plan to take me once I give you the keys to my car later tonight?’

‘The moon and back seems perfect. I can’t wait.

‘Love you too. Bye.’