Rain, lashing at the windows. Burning pain, mind fading into panic. Trying to grab hold of them, but they fade, I can’t see clearly. Windows blurring with rain. Eyes blurring with pain. Blood on my face, my hands. Wailing crying - is it Jessie or me? - and I try to reach her, but I can’t move - trapped, by the seatbelt, by the pain, by, by…
Vision returns but it’s treetops and night. It’s still raining, a torrent that beats my broken body against the ground. I crawl through the pain to nowhere, from nowhere - endless movement and I never move. Mind fading, I try to grab hold of it, of them, but it all fades, replaced by my face in a river, rushing and whirling, a distorted vision of a monster. Blood on the ground, in my mouth, vile, metallic. Shrill screaming - is it birds or me? - and the sky is burning-
I hit the floor with a thud. My face is wet - with tears, not with rain. The only pain is the dull ache in my elbow from falling out of bed. The only sounds are the hums and buzzes of the wires in the walls. I take a few shaky breaths, before pulling myself to my feet and staggering to the window. The lights outside are off, and I can see the stars. I name the constellations until morning, repeatedly, tracing them in the sky and in my mind, a mantra to try to stop the dream flashing behind my eyes.
I must have dozed off at the window, as the sky went from the first tinges of dawn to full daylight in an instant. I had been woken by the first cars driving into the car park. Soon, the building is alive with bustle. I stay by the window, watching the birds flying freely. I’ve always loved birds, particularly the little ones - swifts and swallows and house martins. So aerodynamic, so in control of every movement. Beautiful. Warms the heart of a clumsy oaf like me.
I turn at the beep of the door. A familiar sound, but an unfamiliar face. Cellum did not bring me my breakfast. I stride to where my tablet sits at the table.
“Where is Cellum?”
The human, looking slightly scared at my sudden movement, shrugs. “They’re not in. I was asked to bring you this.” They hold out the tray towards me as if it will shield them. I take it, moving carefully, and they leave immediately. I set it on the table and eat, but my mood - which was already low - has plummeted. Of all the days…I was hoping to see Cellum today, their cheerfulness always brightens my morning. This morning really needed brightening, but a thundercloud was delivered instead of sunshine.
What follows is the least interesting day I’ve spent here. Not only does it lack the almost constant carefree interruptions I’d grown accustomed to, I fight to keep memories of the dream at bay. The cries and screams ring in my mind. I can’t focus, lose interest in everything I try to turn my mind to. It’s all flashes of towering trees and a distorted, bloody grin.
When I was in the hospital, after the crash, I’d replay it all in my head again and again, searching for something I could’ve done differently, done better, that would stop it happening. Then it was searching for ways Alys and Jessie could’ve been alive. Eventually I was just looking for a way I could’ve just held them one more time.
Maybe I should have waited for longer before leaving for the Forest, but I couldn’t stay in that house alone. Everything reminded me of them. So I went, and I had forgotten, for a short time at least. But now everything is fresh in my mind, mixed in with memories from in the Forest. Maybe it was better, not remembering. Maybe the mindless beast has an advantage in that area. Maybe I should’ve stayed in the Forest.
Look at me now. Mind of a man in the body of a beast. Worst of both worlds.
I remember everything, and can do nothing. I care that others are afraid of what I’ve become. Life was so much simpler when it was just eat-drink-sleep-repeat. Freer, like the birds outside my window, snapping up insects. Oh, to be a bird - an actual one, not some mess of a creature like this.
I lie on my bed in the dark that night, and I haven’t felt such sadness in three years.
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