Chapter one

Changing decisions

 To anyone, today would seem like any other normal day. But today was the day Ryan’s life was about to change without him having any power or control over it. He woke up at his usual alarm. Confused and still tired, he rubbed his eyes and peered at the alarm clock to press snooze. The alarm read 08:05. Still half-asleep, Ryan got up and got dressed into his school uniform. Soon after, he found himself sitting on his bed, staring into an oblivion. He felt the weight of the world on his shoulders, a stranger to himself and his family. Trying to fight the tears welling up in his eyes, he fails and finds himself cupping his face, tears rolling down his Rosey cheeks.

Ryan hears footsteps coming down the hallway. He knows that it’s his mam. As the footsteps get closer, they sound like blocks of iron on the hard wooden floor. He can feel his heart racing like it is about to burst out of his chest onto the fluffy carpet he laid his feet on. He wipes his face as quickly as he can because he isn’t ready to let this secret out just yet, although it feels like his shoulders are pinned to the floor from the weight of everything, he is holding to himself. She’s standing outside of his room. He can tell she's there because her shadow is coming through the crack at the bottom of the door. Her shadow protruding through the crack in the door is like something Ryan saw in a horror film he once saw. She waits a minute before she knocks on his door. It feels like a lifetime to Ryan. She barley taps on the door, but to Ryan it seemed like someone was banging a saucepan beside his ear. He knew it was only a matter of seconds before she knocked on the door again. He grabbed an old hoody off the end of his bed and dried his eyes on it so that it was not as obvious that he had been crying. The hoodie was so old and scratchy that it made his eyes even worse than they were before. She gently knocks on his bedroom door, "morning chap. Do you want me to put something on for your breakfast?", he hesitates for a minute because he knows that she’ll know something is wrong by his voice, "erm.... yeah, please mam" he replies. He sniffles and wipes his eyes again. He looks at his phone to see that it’s now 08:10. He takes a deep breath and tosses his duvet off his bed. He lies on his bed in his pajamas bottoms, he gets out of his bed and stretches.

He opens his closet to get his school bag and a hoodie falls out at his feet. He picks it up and hugs it as if he was doing it all over again. For that moment, time stands still, and everything comes back to him like it only happened yesterday. Then the tears start flowing and his heart remembers the pain it’s been through all over again. A few minutes pass and he comes back round. He looks down at it again and reaches back into his closet to get a hanger to put the hoodie back on. "I wish I listened to them sooner," he thinks. He kisses the hood and puts it back.

He takes a deep breath and grabs his bag. He stands staring at the hoodie for a minute before he heads downstairs. The hallway felt longer than he remembered. He checked himself in the mirror and made sure that it wasn’t obvious that he was crying his eyes out before he came down. He gets to the kitchen and Tracey his mam has a hot cup of coffee waiting for him on the kitchen table. "Sit down there now and get that into you. Don’t worry about lunch, I'll sort that out for you chap" He sits at the kitchen table with his head resting on his hand, nearly falling back to sleep. He’s just emotionally and physically exhausted from everything that he can barely go through anymore. As he’s eating, Tracy can tell that something is off with him. "So, did you sleep well? "She inquires. He looks at her with his eyes nearly in the back of his head and bags under his eyes like he had rubbed his hands on a piece of coal and wiped his face, and replies, "could have been better, but we move”. He gets up and puts his plate in the sink. Tracy looks at him concerned. "Ryan, tell me what’s wrong. There is something or someone annoying you.". Tracy looks at her son who is staring at her She stands there in her dressing gown with her hair all over the place and takes a deep breath watching as Ryan gets ready for school.

He drinks the last of his coffee and puts his cup in the sink. With his hands firmly placed on the countertop, he stares into the garden where he grew up playing without a care in the world. His phone rings. He comes back to reality. He picks up his phone off the table to see who it is. He looks at his phone and can’t help but smile. It’s his best friend, Kevin. He picks up the call, "heya kev what’s up?" He listens like it’s the juiciest gossip he has ever heard. He then gets up to leave and his  mam hands him a fiver as a treat for lunch. In an effort to try to cheer him up, Ryan smiles and gives her a hug. He grabs his bag and heads out the front door to meet Kevin to walk to school. Tracey stands in the hall looking at the door as he leaves. For the first time in months, she saw him smile. She decided that she wanted to do something to make sure he was going to be able to keep smiling.

"Mornin lad" says Ryan as he walks down his yard fastening up his school shirt. Kevin looks up from his phone and walks over to him. The two boys fist bump and start walking down the long broken up road to school. "So have you told her yet?" inquires Kevin. Ryan looks up at Kevin with a defeated look. "Nah, not yet. Kev can’t find a good time to there just seems to be something more important, I think she has a feeling that something is up. though, I do plan on telling her soon it’s getting to be too much keeping it to myself I’m just not me and I’m tired of it" Ryan looks visibly exhausted and distressed. Kevin picks up on it and puts his hand around him as a sign of security and support. "Lad there isn’t ever going to be a right time to tell her, but you do need to do it. It’s clearly too much for you to keep to yourself. Over the last few months, you haven’t been you. I know it’s going to be hard to tell her. If you want, I’ll go with you when you want to tell her”

Ryan chuckles and looks at Kev. "Are you sure that’s a good idea? She might think you’re a part of it as well." The realisation hits Kev and he’s trying to think of something to say, so he doesn’t seem completely dull. "But she knows that I am as well, but like not with you exactly, but she does know but……. Like you know what I’m trying to say" stutters Kevin as he’s trying to explain it. He just gives up midway, "yeah, I get what your ‘trying to’ say Kev, but can you just keep it to yourself for now please I just want to keep it on the down low for now the less people who know about it right now the better, you know what it’s like" Kevin puts his arm around Ryan and pulls him to hug him. "Of course, I will. I aint going to betray your trust. I have too much respect for you bud". Ryan puts his arm around Kevin and hugs him back.

Soon the boys arrive at Slaney Cove Secondary School. The boys part ways as they usually do each morning to go to their classes. Ryan is a Transition Year student. He had a free period first. He normally uses this time to do any homework or studying he needs to do for the week. But today he was getting ready for computer class. His teacher, Ms Coates, was deciding on the school representatives for a nationwide internet safety training day at a huge tech company’s headquarters in Dublin. His nerves were getting to him. He could feel his palms getting clammy. He started rubbing them on his school pants to try to dry them off. He was excited to find out if he had gained one of the spots, but he was just as nervous as well.