I buckle my seat belt and Sebastian buckles his. We back out of the driveway and onto the street. We drive in silence for a while.

I made him uncomfortable, didn’t I? He thought I wanted to kiss him...

But.

No.

I feel bad. I wonder how many people in his life want him to do things he doesn’t want to do and how often he does them.

Has he surrendered? Am I just another person wanting something from him he doesn’t want to give?

I realize. My fingers are in my mouth. I’m biting my nails? I take them out of my mouth. And look at them.

I don’t remember a time before I bit them, they’ve always been short and rough. None of them are bleeding this time. That’s good.

I don’t make them bleed on purpose, it just happens sometimes.

I’ve started to not only bite the nail but also the skin around it. Only the outer layer of dead skin though. Whatever comes off when I bite down on it I guess.

It’s surreal to think I could have long or even average-sized nails. Right now they are wider than they are long.

Sebastian clears his throat.

I’m startled out of my thoughts. I look over at him.

“So you wanna kiss me?” He says flatly.

“No- I didn’t mean i-” I stutter.

He shakes his head, “You asked it as if you wanted it, you can’t freak me out like that kid.”

Kid?

“Sorry” I murmur.

If I said yes, would he have let me? Why am I even thinking that? What am I doing? I glare down at myself.

We pull into a small parking lot.

He unbuckles and turns to me, “I’m still trying to process what happened with us four years ago. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

I nod.

He gets out and walks around the car to my side. I get out too. He holds out his hand for me. I take it. He leads me to a picnic table. We sit down on opposite sides. Holding hands over the table.

He looks intently into my eyes. It scares me a bit.

“Do-” He starts.

But someone walks by, “So you were gay.”

Sebastian looks up at them. I look over my shoulder to see who it is.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Charlotte.

Sebastian stares at her quietly.

I turn to her, “No.”

She looks at me with confusion, “Then why are you on a date with a guy?”

I look at her with just as much confusion, “This isn’t a date.”

She laughs dryly, “More of a date than we ever had.”

I blink, “I didn’t love you like that.”

“When you asked me if I loved you I thought you meant as a friend.”

She exhales, “I have no idea what made me like you.”

“You hurt me,” She says in a monotone.

I don’t want to cry. Though I don’t know if I can anymore, “I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t know how to tell you the truth.”

“I wanted to make you happy so,” I don’t know what I’m even saying.

She looks past me to Sebastian’s and my hands on the table, “You pretending for this guy too?”

“Heath, who the fuck is this?” Sebastian whispers to me.

I give him a nervous glance. Then look back at Charlotte, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for everything to end up like this.”

She stares at me, “It’s been so long I don’t care anymore.”

Then why’d you bring it up?

“But, it’s funny you found love before I did.”

“I guess, congrats,” She looks down, “I was stupid back then.”

“I wanted more from you than you could give.”

“I mean, the bar was low, but I guess you are short.”

“You walked right under it,” She looks back at me, “But- I’m still happy for you.”

She gestures to Sebastian, “What’s his name?”

Sebastian speaks up, “My name’s Sebastian. But We’re not romantically involved.”

She looks back at me, “He talks as weird as you do, perfect match.”

I nod slowly.

She smiles, “Okay, well, good luck with that.”

“Yeah...”

With that, she starts walking away.

I turn back to Sebastian. He’s looking at me wide-eyed with confusion.

“That was Charlotte,” I grumble. She makes me feel bad like I’m a bad person like everything is my fault.

His eyes widen even more, “That girl you didn’t know how to say no to?”

I look down, “Yeah..”

“I’m glad she doesn’t hate me,” I half say to myself.

He starts laughing, “She thinks we-”

He keeps laughing. But it really isn’t funny. It makes me uncomfortable.

After he calms down a bit, “It seems like every time I’m alone with anyone, everyone just assumes I’m in love with them. Like what the fuck.”

That’s sad.

Sebastian calms down and looks me in the eyes again, “So you know how it’s June.”

I nod.

“Our city’s celebrating pride in a few weeks.” He continues.

I nod again, slower this time.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to go with me.” He squeezes my hand, “Oh, and Lennon, Lennon would be there too, can’t celebrate pride without your gay husband.”

He smiles awkwardly.

I look down, “I don’t know, I’m not very queer.”

Sebastian stares at me blankly. He blinks, “There’s no such thing as queer enough.”

I frown, “I don’t even know if I’m gay or not.”

Sebastian looks at me with a frown, “Um, you don’t have to be gay to celebrate pride.”

Oh.

I nod, “I’m not very proud of myself though.”

“For not being gay?”

“No, for anything.”

He bounces our hands against the table, “Are you proud of queer people you know?”

I struggle to find my words, “I- I- Yes, but-”

“But, why should I go?”

He furrows his brow, nodding, “You’re not straight, and even if you were you can go to support everyone else, right?”

“And pride isn’t all about sexuality, there’s gender too,” He goes on, “You could go and celebrate your-”

I pull my hands out of his. He looks down at his hands. Now empty.

I slide mine off the table. They rest tense at my sides.

He looks back at me, “Or, not…”

He looks away again, “I mean, I was just asking, you don’t have to go.”

I look away too. Why did he have to bring it up?

It could be fun I guess. But I don’t know anyone and it’s a new situation and- And if Lennon occupies Sebastian’s time I won’t have anyone to lean on if things get bad. I guess I could ask if Daren could come. Though he might be going with someone else already.

I look back at Sebastian, “Could Daren go with us?”

Sebastian perks up, “Yeah, definitely, if he wants to”

“I’ll ask him tomorrow,” I mumble.

Sebastian pulls out his phone, “I could text him now.”

Oh.

“But he’s at work.”

Sebastian shrugs, “So?”

He starts typing something on his phone, “How should I ask him?”

I shrug.

“Okay, how about, ‘Wanna go to pride with me, Lennon and Heath?’” He says.

I nod, “That sounds good”

Sebastian stares at his phone, “Wait, so this means you want to go?”

I rub the bottom rim of my shirt between my thumb and forefinger, “I guess, but only if Daren wants to go..”

He nods, “Understandable, don’t want to get lost in the crowd, more people to look after the baby, less likely for baby to get lost”

I’m a baby? Why do I get this warm feeling when he calls me that? Something must be wrong with me.

He puts his phone away realizing Daren’s not going to reply right away.

I breathe, “Have you talked to Lennon about bringing me with?”

He laughs, “Actually yeah, I have. He says it’s fine as long as he gets to kiss me once.”

A compromise. Maybe next time I talk to Lennon alone, I should ask him why he treats Sebastian like that.

Who am I kidding? I’m not going to talk to Lennon again. Not like that.

Sebastian starts to get up, “Wanna walk around a bit, it’s a nice day.”

He shuffles out of the bench and holds his hand out for me. He’s always the one to hold his hand out. I never hold mine out for him. I never take him anywhere. I never show him something new.

I take his hand. Shuffle out of my bench. And we start walking.