What am I doing? I know Heath doesn’t want me here. I can feel the tension from the other side of this king-sized bed. But he’s not going to say anything.

I mean, Baz is so fucking hot, but I don’t want to do shit while Heath is around.

My arms are wrapped around Baz's arm. One of my hands holds his. I rub my thumb against his palm. I gently bump my forehead against his chin.

His head turns and he kisses my forehead. It makes me feel warm. And loved.

Sometimes I wish he loved me completely. Even though I know he can’t do that.

I wouldn’t trade him for anyone, I just sometimes wish things were different.

I wish he treated my body like he treats my heart. He puts so much care into his actions, but I don’t know how much love he puts in.

I mean he’s incapable of loving. He’s told me multiple times, he doesn’t love me. It hurts every time.

But I try to forget he feels that way. I know I should probably embrace his feelings. But I don’t understand them, how can he want to be with me like this and not love me?

Not to mention his whole deal with Heath is kinda fucking messed up. I mean, he’s basically groomed Heath since he was fourteen. Now Heath can’t live without him.

I don’t know how I’m so in love with Sebastian.

I go to put one of my hands on his chest. Only to find Heath’s hand already there. I accidentally bump it. Can this get any more awkward?

I lower my hand so it’s resting more on Baz’s stomach. His breathing is steady. And slow. It’s calming to feel him breathe.

I could just drift off.

And…