I’m lying in bed with Lennon. Just lying here, not doing anything. It’s like seven o'clock.

I’m not tired but I have no reason to get up.

Lennon turns to me, “In ten years if you still love me can we have a kid?”

Shock and fear run through my whole body. What is he saying?

I wouldn’t make a good father. I can’t raise a kid.

I can’t.

“Len- where is this coming from?”

He rubs my upper arm, “I was just thinking about our future, how our lives together are going to go..”

I give him a hard look, “How does that equate to having kids?”

He looks at me frowning, “I’ve always wanted to be a dad... I thought you knew that.”

Fuck. I think I’ve heard him say stuff like that. I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t think I’d be with him like this for that long.

I don’t want to start an argument but I can feel it coming, “How would we even have kids?”

He gives me a serious look, “Surrogate, maybe we could even have two, so one could have your genes and one could have mine.”

He smiles, “Little feet running around, teaching them how to speak and do everything, creating another whole human being, watching them grow-”

“Lennon, stop,” I can’t take any of this right now.

He looks wide-eyed at me.

I sigh, “I don’t think we thought this through.”

He knits his brow, “What through?”

“Our lives,” I push my palms into my eyes.

“Why?” He asks in a small voice.

“I never want to have kids ever,” I explode at him, I didn’t mean to.

The way Len looks at me I swear he’s going to cry, “But-”

I turn away from him, “And we got married before we were even twenty, we bound our lives together before we could even legally get drunk.”

Tears start welling in his eyes, “Baz-”

“To be honest, I married you cuz I was desperate and lonely, I needed someone to be there for me and you were there, I’d of done anything to keep you with me back then,” I think this is the most honest I’ve ever been with him.

He blinks his red eyes and tears drip onto his cheek, “You don’t really mean that.”

“Len, I-” I’m searching for words I don’t know how to say.

“I think we need a break,” It sickens me to say it, but it also feels right somehow.

“NO!” He grabs my hands, squeezing them tight, “Baz, stop, let’s think about this rationally. I love you, you love me. We can talk through it, we don’t need more time apart, we need more time together.”

I sigh and pull my hands out of his. He grabs for them again but I pull away again,

“Stop, stop it-” He shakes his head, “We can’t just do this.”

“You mean the world to me,” He looks at me, his eyes still red and watery, “You can’t take my world away.”

“You can’t leave,” He hiccups.

I look away, I can’t handle looking at his puffy cheeks and his crying eyes, “I didn’t say I was going to leave.”

I tear up a little anyway, “I just want a break.”

“BAZ- I- I don’t want a break,” His voice carries an urgency, “What will make you stay?”

“Lennon, I just want some space, emotionally,” I say as softly as possible.

“WHY!?”

“I want to think about what you said, about our future, I’m going to figure out if I want a part of it. But I can’t do that with you breathing down my neck,” I try to explain.

His bottom lip quivers, “We don’t have to have kids, it was just a thought, a stupid- stupid, fucking idiotic thought.”

He hangs his head, “That I should’ve never put into words.”

I fight back the urge to pat him on the shoulder, “No, you want to be a dad, that’s valid. But I don’t.”

“And if you really want to become a dad it might be better in the long run if you find someone who wants to be one with you,” Fuck it hurts to say.

He shakes his head vigorously, “No- I- I would pick you over having kids every time.”

“I never want to lose you-” He stares at me with desperation, “I can’t lose you, Sebastian.”

How do I get it through this numbnuts head that it’s not just about the kids thing?

It’s everything. It’s my life, and what I really want to do with it. I haven’t thought about it since marrying him. And back then all I wanted was someone to love me, I needed someone to love me. Now, I don’t know if I really want to spend the rest of my life with Lennon.

I fucking hate this.

“You’re not going to lose me,” I gingerly remove his grasping hand from my shoulder.

More tears spill from his eyes, “But you said you’re leaving me.”

“No, I said I wanted a break, we’ll still both live here… just... I don’t know,” I exhale, “Just not as close, I need some space, emotional and physical.”

“Is- Is this because you have Hearst now? You don’t need me anymore,” he splutters, “Now that you have what you really want, you can just throw me out like garbage.”

“Admit it, I was just a replacement for Heath.”

He’s not wrong…

“You couldn't have your itty-bitty boy toy so you settled for me,” He glares at me, “You would lay down your life for him in a heartbeat, but I ask for a few simple things and you completely shut down.”

“Do I even matter to you? Do my feelings matter to you? Do you find it amusing every time you turn me down, every time you tell me to get away from you, every time you tell me my body disgusts you that I feel like absolute shit?”

He grits his teeth, “You make me feel like shit.”

“When you start gagging at the sight of me, how am I supposed to feel!?”

How do I calm him down? I feel like anything I say will just fuel his flames.

I don’t know if I want to hug him but I could see it working… Or I could see him looking right through it and seeing it as just a way to shut him up. I guess it’s better than not doing anything.

“Do you get gratification from seeing me lay myself out for you and you completely rejecting me?” He scowls at me tearfully, “Does it-”

I wrap my arms around him and pull him in close. I feel him push back a bit.

He wriggles his head out, “Oh, now you're going to play the loving husband role again?”

He starts squirming in my embrace, “You think I’m this stupid, you think a little hug can fix everything.”

He pushes free of my hug and narrows his eyes at me, “Our problems are bullet holes and all you provide are bandaids.”

“Then what do you provide?” I shoot back.

“Everything!” He exclaims, “I’m the one who’s been pushing for this relationship, I’m the one who’s supporting us financially, I’m the one who wants to move forward in our relationship, I’m the one who’s actually trying.”

How do I kiss it better?