When Dead is Not Dead

I release Tachi and grab the file, clutching it to my chest as my breathing becomes shallow and raspy.  I feel it coming on, the panic, the helplessness of being a failure, being alone, letting my best friend die alone and in pain.  I feel like I have stepped outside of myself as I fall hard onto my knees and fold into myself, letting my head pull me to the ground, landing hard on my forehead.

The pain is welcomed.  It draws me out of my panic slightly but not enough so I slam my forehead into the hardwood floors over and over again until something stops me.  Someone picks up my six foot frame like I’m a stuff bear, and embraces me tightly, cutting off my air even more.  I feel my head spin and my chest constrict, cutting off even more oxygen to my brain.

This is fine, I think.  I should have been with Naka.  I should have stopped all of this from happening.  Why didn’t he come to me?  All those calls and text, why couldn’t he tell me about Tachi and his feelings about this life?  I feel the darkness covering my senses. I can tell I’m holding my breath, refusing to allow my self to be brought out of this place.  It hurts but I can’t hurt anymore than I already do so I fight my natural urges to breathe, to live.

I’m suddenly weightless for a second, or maybe it’s minutes.  Time is passing but I can’t put measure to it.  I can feel my chest burning, trying to override my determination to just let it go, to let me go and find Naka.  He must be terribly alone and afraid, in some dark place where he knows no one but me can find him. I have to find him.

I hear shouting, it’s muffled and seems far away, like I’m underwater.  The weightlessness continues but I’m feeling warmer, causing me to relax a little.  I hear voices again, more clearly than before and not garbled even though I can’t make out actual words.

And then I feel a touch.  A soft but slightly cool touch of fingers moving the hair off my forehead and tucking it behind my ear.  Soft lips kiss each of my eyelids and then leave one on the tip of my nose.  I feel those cool fingers on my cheeks, making small circles and pinching slightly.  I relax even more and allow the cool fingers to continue their exploration of my face.

The kisses come again.  The same pattern is repeated along with the cool fingers on my cheeks.  A soft voice enters my senses, “Sobata…. It’s time to come back.  I miss you and we have work to do.”  The voice fades and the touches as kisses continue.

More voices become clear as I can now understand some of the conversation around me.  I try not to pay any attention keeping every sense on the kisses and touches around my face.  And again, the voice enters my mind.  “Sobata” A little more teasing this time. “It’s time to come back.  I miss you and we have work to do.”  I smile and fully relax feeling my whole body seize from keeping my muscles too taught for an extended period of time.

“Ah, shit.  That hurts.” I croak out and all the other conversations stop except the one being whispered next to my ear. “Sobata, please come back.  I miss you.”  I hear again and gasp as the memories of past panic attacks slam into my waking brain. 

My eyes fly open to see Barney, fully dressed, holding me like a princess in the middle of the onsen bath.  I can feel his arms shaking, about ready to give out.  I stare at him wide eyed as I move my head to the side.  I gasp and jerk back into Barney’s chest at the sight of a ghost.  The ghost of my dead friend.  My brother, the only person that fully understood me and would always be there to catch me.

I can’t stop the tears as Naka moves towards me, placing a hand on my cheek, running this thumb under my eye to brush away the tears that are starting to fall.  Naka smiles and nods slowly, leaning in to kiss my eyelids and forehead again.  “Hello my lovely, Sobata.  I have missed you.  I’m glad you are back.” 

I grip Naka’s hand and pull him towards me, Barney grunts as he tries to keep his footing, now supporting two men.  Naka chuckles and embraces me, pulling me out of Barney’s arms.  I wrap my legs around his waist and begin kissing his face, pushing his wet hair back out of his eyes so I can fully look into them.

Another realization hits me.  I was at Naka’s funeral and wake just yesterday.   I unwrap myself from around Naka’s body and stand in the bath, staring at my, now, very much alive, friend.  Naka senses the shift in my demeanor and slowly raises his hands in surrender.  I grin and take a step forward as Naka takes a step back.

“Now Sobata.  We can explain everything.  Let’s get out of the bath and changed into some dry clothes so we can talk about….. Everything.”  Naka keeps his hands up as he starts backing up towards the stairs to exit the bath.  My grin has turned sinister as I tilt my head to the side and shrug my shoulders.

Naka seem to remember how our wresting matches used to start as he gasps and looks to the other people in the bath for help.  I lunge forward, Naka screams like the little damsel he tries to be and I hit a wall.  A Barney wall to be exact.  “Get out of my way!  That little turd deserves some pain from me!”  I shout and point at a cowering Naka around Barney’s wide chest.

He leans down, grabs me by my waist and hoists me over his shoulder like some poor peasant girl.  I try to kick and punch my way out of his hold but find that the reinforced shirt is quite solid.  I give in and just slump over his shoulder as he marches me out of the onsen and into the shower.  “You going to behave or should we start with a cold shower first.” The Barney wall says with his hands hovering over the shower knobs.

I roll my eyes while slumping down to the floor of the shower. “Warm please.” I say, giving in and letting him take control of the situation without my protests.  He nods and turns on the water, stepping fully into the shower and closing the door behind him.  I look up and raise an eyebrow.  “Quite presumptuous of you, Barney” I huff out.

Barney rolls his eyes and starts to undress, tossing his soaked clothes over the shower wall, them landing with a wet smacking sound on the tile floors. “Since you don’t remember, I kept you from splitting your head open. And Naka said to take you to the onsen so that’s what I did.”  He says and turns away from me to continue to disrobe.

I drop my head, feeling the embarrassment of my panic attack breakdown in front of everyone.  “I’m sorry Barney.  I’m sorry you had to see me like that.  And thank you.  I really do appreciate what you did to help me”. I sigh, trying not to start crying again.

There is a light tap on my head and when I look up, Barney has his hands held out to me and a soft smile on his face.  I nod and grab his hands, fully feeling the strain I have caused to my body as my legs cramp and give out while my head begins to swim and darkness starts to creep into my vision.

“Oh crap, Barney.  Why do I always pass out when I’m alone with you?”  I can hear his deep rumbling laugh just before everything goes black once again.  This time, the only thing that part of my brain is registering is the boner that formed in my pants the second Barney started to undress.  Damn, going to miss another chance. Is my last thought.