"He does this a lot," Carys tried to console me as I ripped my eyes away from them. I had been watching their relationship unfold publicly in the school grounds over the past week. Always over each other. Always touching. Almost always kissing.
"That doesn't make me feel better," I muttered as I shoved a chicken nugget into my mouth.
"I know... And I'm still firmly on the side of 'you're better off without him'. But, she will be gone soon. They will fight about something. Probably his lack of commitment or his habits. And then she will dump him or he will ditch her. His relationships are always fleeting, but also always consistent. It's shocking he managed to survive the whole first term without dating someone. Though he probably was seeing someone outside of school. Anyway, once they are over, he will be back to his once-a-week attendance, and you can dream again about a reality that I won't allow."
I pursed my lips as her words processed through my brain on delay, all the while I watched him smile down at her, pressing his lips to hers again. "I don't want to dream about him anymore. This hurts too much."
"Oh, Indi..." Carys's warm arm wound around my shoulders, pulling me close to her.
"Why won't he dim though? Why do I still see him in colour?"
"Because it takes time for feelings to go away."
"But if it really is connected to that, surely there'd be some slight desaturation. Like, there's no hope for me."
"Or maybe your heart secretly knows things don't last and you're holding on for them to break up?"
I shook my head. "What... so I can dream about being the next girl he has a month-long fling with?"
"Exactly."
"You're not helping."
Her arm retracted from around me, but then her hands gripped my shoulders, forcing me to face her. "Well, how can I help then?"
"I don't know... offer me some strategies to fully get over him."
"I'm not exactly an expert in romance... All I know is there's only two ways to stop liking someone." Though she didn't go on.
"Which are..." I prompted.
"One: you learn to hate him. Fixate on every bad quality of his, and—"
"You've already told me all the rumours and how dangerous he is. Nonetheless, apparently I'm into the bad boys."
Carys snorted. "Your celebrity crushes consist of Timothée Chalamet, Felix Mallard, and Tom Holland. And none of them really scream 'bad boy' to me."
"Oh, but they've played them."
"When?"
"Timothée was a drug addict in Beautiful Boy, Felix Mallard was the motorcycle owning, weed-taking next door neighbour in Ginny and Georgia—"
"He didn't even ride the bike and he ended up being so caring in the end—"
"And Tom Holland is..."
"Yes, can't wait for this one."
"He's..."
"Yes?"
"Well, he's Spider-man—"
"Really not a selling point."
"And I'm sure he's played one role where he's bad... I just haven't seen it."
"Mhmm..."
"Okay. I suppose I'm not into bad boys then. But learning to hate him isn't going to work from afar. I'd have to get to know him, and that's just not possible considering he's Harley Brooks and I'm that vision-impaired new girl that only you talk to."
"Hey! A couple of others have said hi to you before. I mean Harley asks you for a pen every lesson..."
I rolled my eyes in response. She wasn't selling her case. "What's the second strategy?"
"Second... Oh, right, yes. Method two is... you force your heart to move on."
My brows pulled together, so she went on.
"You need to like someone else."
"Who?"
"I don't know. Anyone. But stop liking him and start crushing on someone else."
"And how do I do that?"
"Pick a guy, and start seeing his redeemable qualities."
"It's not that simple, Carys."
"Ugh, romance people... Okay. How about you open yourself up more to some of the guys in our class? Follow them on Insta, strike up a chat, then latch on to one to force yourself to like."
"This doesn't seem plausible."
"It's the only other option."
I heaved a groan. "Open myself up to them how?"
"Work with them in group projects? Start saying hi? Sit next to them?"
I pursed my lips. "I don't know..."
"Give it a go. That's the least you can do."
"Fine."
•❃°•°❀°•°❃•
In my literature class Friday afternoon (because, yes, I was that person who was taking two English classes), I decided to try out Carys's recommendation. A few days late, but I figured I'd have the weekend to recover if this were mortifying.
Taking a deep breath, I beelined for a spot by the nearest boy in the room (who was relatively attractive) and took the free seat next to him. He had longish light grey hair and even lighter grey eyes.
"Hi," I said as I pulled my pencils out of my case.
"Hey..." he said, brows popping up.
"Don't mind if I sit here, do you?"
"I mean, there's no seating plan, so..."
An awkward silence fell between us as more students filed into the room, a few of his friends showing up to take a seat nearby.
"Who's this?" I heard one mutter.
Though the boy merely gave him a shrug.
A part of me wanted to shrink into myself that this boy didn't even know my name despite the fact we had shared a classroom together for over a term. But then I'd be a hypocrite. Because... what was his name?
"Indi," I quietly uttered, half wondering if I'd have to repeat myself.
And, sure enough, the boy said, "Huh?"
"I'm Indi. I normally sit over there." I pointed to the other side of the room.
"Oh," he said.
"And you are?" I pressed.
"Lachie. And that's Adrian and Caleb." Adrian had dark grey hair and even darker skin, yet his eyes glistened with kindness. Caleb had a rounder face. Short pale grey hair, his deep grey eyes shadowed with a reservedness I didn't like.
"Pleasure to meet you all," I said through a forced grin, before turning my face back to my notebook, writing the date in the margin as the teacher set up their laptop and PowerPoint.
All the while, my mind cursed, Gosh, Carys... you made this sound like it would be easy. But, unfortunately, no one is quite as charming as Harley, are they...
Give them a chance, my mind then thought back. Surely one of these boys will also have a lovely side to them if you get to know them... just befriend them and—
"Why are your eyes red?" Adrian asked suddenly.
Head snapping up, I met his confused gaze as his head slowly cocked to the side, all the while taking me in.
"They're contacts," I quickly said without thinking.
"Contacts?" Caleb said in surprise. "Why do you want your eyes to be red?"
I could tell them the truth... but... what it they don't react like Carys or Harley? What if they end up being just like those kids in the first grade...
As my palms began to sweat and my stomach twisted and turned until it had worked itself into a giant knot, I blurted, "For fun, of course."
All three boys shared a glance with each other before looking back at me.
"You're just a little bit odd, aren't you, Indi?" Lachie then asked me.
Immediately, I began to feel the smile dropping from my face. Head turning back to my book, I hid behind my hair as my eyes began to sting with shame.
I didn't make small talk with them for the rest of the lesson. And they didn't try to speak to me. In fact, the moment our teacher called the end of the lesson and dismissed us, I couldn't have left the room fast enough.
•❃°•°❀°•°❃•
A part of me was hopeful that my poor attempt to distract my heart from Harley would have had some influence. As I waited for the bus to roll to a move that afternoon (in my thankful spot up the front this time, away from the judging eyes of the cool kids up the back), I began to wonder, to wish, that the next time I saw the boy of my fancy, he'd have less vibrancy to him. I was so lost in thought, thinking, wondering, travelling down the spiral of hope that I barely noticed someone had sat down next to me until a packet of Spearmint Extra gum filled my vision, followed by a familiar voice saying, "Want one?"
"H-Harley," I stumbled.
"Go-go Gadget," he grinned back, shining in the sea of grey.
Fuck, was my immediate thought as my eyes stumbled over his face. Is he somehow even more in colour?
"Want one?" he asked again, moving the packet from side to side in front of me.
"No thanks," I muttered, quickly turning back in my seat and towards the window, hating that the flames were licking my face once again. Why does he have this effect on me?
As the bus finally lurched to a crawl, I began trying to convince myself that, in fact, I hated Harley Brooks. I hated him and his charming smile, and his kind demeanour, and the way his eyes twinkled in the light.
I tried to remind my heart about how 'dangerous' he was and that he had a girlfriend.
But my heart and mind were quick to remind me... Exactly which part of the delinquent rumours have you seen, Indi?
He does have a girlfriend though, I shot back.
Ah... but where is she now?
"Why are you on the bus?" I suddenly asked him without thinking.
"Hmm?" he said, popping a headphone from his ear before turning his beautifully bright eyes my way.
"Nothing," I muttered, trying to remove myself from the conversation again.
But he said, "No, what did you say?"
"I just... I asked why you're on the bus."
He cocked a curious eyebrow upwards. "Because I'm living out this way? I did tell you last term, didn't I?"
"You did, but..."
"But what?"
I shook my head. "Nothing."
He removed the other headphone from his ear, pulling his phone out of his pocket to pause his music. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Stop a conversation before saying what you want to say."
"I don't do that."
"This is why you only have two friends, Gadget."
Two? I thought.
But he went on. "You have to put yourself out there more. Take risks and ask things that seem a little too intruding. Trust the other person to tell you where the line is."
Great... another person telling me to put myself out there. "Gadget is now far from my name."
"I don't think it is," he smiled back at me, twirling one of headphones between his thumb and index finger.
But as his eyes continued to pierce through that barrier I was trying to erect and I found myself beginning to fall deeper into the abyss of him, I quickly turned my head away again, breaking the connection.
"It's Friday," I started, eyes fixed on the seat ahead. "Seems a little odd that you're on the bus home when you normally spend the afternoons with your girlfriend."
"How do you know what I get up to after school, Indi?"
My stomach fluttered as my actual nickname rolled off his tongue, filling me with delight. "I don't... I just noticed you're never on here. And, before you ask, I'm normally the first on the bus. So I notice you don't board it."
"You didn't notice that I sat next to you today though..."
"Yeah, well, today I'm a bit distracted."
"I thought so."
He did? I turned back to meet his gaze, this time clouded with worry.
"What's up?"
I shook my head and faced the window once more. As if I could tell him.
"Someone being mean to you? Or just home stuff?"
"It's..." Though Adrian, Caleb, and Lachie's laughs at my contacts echoed in my mind, I knew they weren't the root of my worry. Hitting me deeper than their judgement was the fact that this boy next to me would always be at a distance. That this would probably be one of the most intimate experiences I ever have with him.
"It's?" he prompted.
"Just home stuff," I lied.
"Want to talk about it?"
I shook my head back, hoping, wishing he'd drop it. Though I knew he wouldn't. People don't ever just drop things. Carys never does.
Though, next I knew, something brushed my cheek.
Face heating up, I whipped my head around as I stuttered, "What are you doing?"
He pulled back, brows knotting together for a moment before a grin stole his face. Then he held up a headphone. "If you don't want to talk, maybe this will cheer you up?"
"I..." My eyes darted between his illuminated eyes that were full of tenderness to the singular headphone pinched between his fingers. Ever so slowly, I extended my hand, grabbing the earbud from him. Then I popped it in.
He was quick to unlock his phone, scrolling through the screen for a few beats of my heart as I wondered what he was going to play for me... what music could he possibly be into? Did we share interests?
And then a familiar guitar riff filled my ear. And his thick, Geordie accent greeted me as he sang, "I remember the sickness was forever."
One side of my mouth turned up as I glanced his way, Harley's eyes already watching me, almost anxious to see if I approved.
"Fan of Sam Fender, hey?" I asked.
"You know him?" he replied, eyes shining just as bright.
I gave him a short nod. We didn't share anything beyond that. Instead, we just relaxed into our seats, my head turning out the window, his gaze skating over the seats to the aisle as the song continued on, followed by more titles from the Seventeen Going Under album.
As the bus pulled away from the curb of the stop before mine though, I started to slip his headphone from my ear, a little anxious he was still here. He paused his music as he received it back.
"You've missed your stop again," I muttered, though I foolishly began to hope he had stayed to chat with me... to get off with me again and walk me home.
But then he said, "I'm going to Lara's this afternoon."
Lara McCarthy... Harley Brooks's current girlfriend. Great. "I see. She lives out this way then?" I asked, trying to be civil.
"Down your street, actually."
"Was she not at school today?"
"She was."
"Got a lift home?"
"No." Then he turned his head, glancing around to the back of the bus. And I followed his line of sight.
My eyes immediately zeroed in on Lara as she threw Harley a smile and a wave. Though as Harley turned in his seat to look back at me, her gaze narrowed at me.
I quickly turned back around. "Why did you sit next to me?" I hissed at him. "She's going to... curse me now or something."
Harley let out a chuckle before saying, "She's not like that."
"Sure."
"She knows there's nothing for her to be jealous of. I told her you and I are just friends."
At once, my heart sank at the idea no one would be jealous about me and Harley... But his label of friends suddenly had my brows pulling together. "Friends?" I queried.
"Duh. Me and Carys are your only friends."
I was shocked he knew her name, to be honest. "You and I aren't friends," I said without thinking.
"Ouch, Go-go. And after I sat next to you to cheer you up." He got to his feet as the bus neared my stop, standing backwards in the aisle so that I could slip out in front of him.
"I didn't mean—"
"Hi guys," a saccharine voice said from behind Harley. And I didn't need to glance over his shoulder to know that Lara had joined the conversation.
To my delight though, the bus pulled to a stop, the door swinging open. Before either could say anything further to me, I immediately scurried off, pulling my glasses tight against my face as the sun tried to steal my vision.
I didn't even wait for them. I didn't want to know if Harley had planned to finish our conversation.
I just placed one foot in front of the other, putting as much distance between us as fast as I could.
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