Just how long has he been standing here, staring at the door to Chris’ apartment? Five minutes? Ten? Fifteen? He’s been feeling nauseous ever since this morning. The things he said to him, both in his mother’s office and in the bathroom, kept playing in his mind over and over again, like a sadistic broken record that was out to haunt him. He screwed it up. Majorly. And now… it might have cost him Chris, for real this time. For good.

Perhaps that was the reason he stood there in the hallway, like a particularly awkward potted plant. He knew that once he opened that door he’ll have to face the consequences of his actions, and the immeasurably high price he was very likely about to pay for them. But he also knew he couldn’t run away from it. Not this time. At the very least he owed Chris an apology. Besides, he knew that wasn’t the only reason he came back there, why he was trying to convince himself to stop fumbling with the key and put it in the lock. If he walked away he wouldn't just be leaving this door closed, but actively locking a different one, permanently. That thought scared him more than anything he might have to face inside.

Aidan braced himself and took one more deep breath. Then, he turned the handle and opened the door.

The apartment was dimly lit, with most of the light coming from the living room. The warm orange glow softly wrapped Chris who was sitting on the couch, holding a book in one hand while using the other to support his head. He didn’t even glance at him when he walked in. 

Aidan swallowed, then breathed out a shallow exhale.

“Hi.” He tried softly, taking a step towards him.

No response. He took another step.

“When… when did you get back?

Still nothing. He thought he saw the corner of Chris' mouth twitching, but it could have been just a trick of the light.

“Did you eat?”

This time Chris hummed, though his eyes never left the book. However, Aidan was now close enough to notice they didn’t run along the lines like they usually would. He took another deep breath. Then, before he’ll have a chance to think about it too much, he pushed himself forward again, closing the distance that remained between them and dropping into the couch next to him. He wrapped his hands around Chris’ arm and gently rested his forehead against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I was being an asshole.”

He knew it was risky. His heart was thumping in his ears, sirens going off warning him about the very real possibility he’ll be shaken off, yet Aidan tightened his hold just a little more.

At first Chris tensed under his touch, though much to his relief he didn’t pull away.

“You were,” he finally said.

Aidan sighed. His grip grew tighter yet again.

“I know,” he nodded against him. “I know I was. I’m so sorry Chris. I… I didn’t mean it. I should have never said any of that in the first place. I don’t think that about you.”

“What, that I’m a rich asshole with too much money to spend or that I’ll use it to buy off my best friend?”

Yeah, he had it coming. It stung, almost as if Chris actually turned around and slapped him, but fuck if he didn’t deserve it. Besides, what stung even more was how much pain he could still hear in the other’s voice.

“Both. Neither,” he peeked over his shoulder. Chris was still looking away, no longer pretending to read but staring through the large windows. His hurt reflection in them made Aidan want to hide again.

“I… I don’t even know what to say. You were trying to help us, and I panicked and I… God, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. And I wish there was a way I could take it back and I can’t. But I’ll do whatever I can, whatever it takes to make it better. Just tell me. You can scream at me or punch me or make me do all the dishes for the next month, or I’ll…” he swallowed. “I’ll even move out if you don’t want me here.”

There was a short pause. In the glass in front of them, Aidan watched as conflicting emotions clashed and colored Chris’ expression, creating a rare, new concoction he couldn’t decipher. There was still a level of rawness and pain there, alongside hesitation, caution and something that was strongly reminiscent of fear.

“My head hurts,” he finally replied in a voice that was more fragile and quiet than Aidan had ever heard before. It made him let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and dip his head a little lower again, this time to hide the smile he couldn’t suppress.

The strange, warm flutter in his chest wasn’t because he was glad Chris was suffering. Though he was, much of the time. Those headaches… they have been a problem long before he even met him. At least, that’s what he discovered in hindsight. Chris was annoyingly good at hiding them, and it was only after a few months that the secret got out and Aidan began recognizing the signs. It was also around that time that he tried whatever remedies he thought could provide him with some relief – some days it was a hot cup of tea, others a cold glass of water. He’d close the blinds or pull him outside to get some fresh air. Hell, once he even yelled at some students for making too much noise like he was some eighty year old telling kids to get off his lawn. He tried everything he could think of, and as often as he could catch these pesky episodes. But it was so incredibly rare for Chris to ask for it himself.

“Get on the floor.”

Finally, Chris turned to face him. He looked surprised, as though he was wondering if he heard him correctly. Aidan only smiled and nodded in return. He supposed offering this out of everything after what just happened between them was a peculiar choice on his side, but… he really wanted to show him he meant what he said, and this always seemed to help him the most. Besides, the thought of creating too much space between them again made him… restless.

After a moment of hesitation, Chris put his book aside and slid down to sit on the floor crossed legged. Aidan scooted to sit behind him, shuffling onto his knees. He leaned over his shoulder, and reached for the top of his shirt.

Immediately, Chris’ hand flew to grab his wrist. His fingers held him firm in place, a secure restraint that somehow inflicted no pain – only a pleasant pressure.

“What are you doing?” He whipped his head around to look at him with wide eyes, this time with panic. 

“You can’t breathe properly in these stuffy work clothes. Only the top one, okay?”

Chris still seemed apprehensive. He could almost feel it in the way his grip loosened then tightened again.

“Come on, I won’t do anything weird,” he tried for a lighthearted tone, tugging at him playfully. “I’m trying to be nice.”

Chris studied his expression for another moment. Then, he released him and allowed his hand to fall down at his side as he sank back against the couch. Aidan’s grin widened as he leaned down again, quickly undoing the first button on his shirt. He wasn’t sure whether he imagined the small flinch he felt from Chris when he did, but as soon as his fingers began rubbing the tense muscles of his neck and shoulders he let out a long exhale. He could almost feel his body melting another inch or two back against the cushions.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” Chris’ voice was more air than actual sound. In their reflection, his eyes fluttered shut.

“Can I do more?”

“Hmm.” The low rumble was echoed by a soft tingle that ran down his spine. Aidan shuffled, then sat up so that he could gently push his elbow into Chris’ trapezoid, causing his head to instantly roll to the other side and allow him more access. When he increased the pressure, he let out a soft groan. It created a strange, electric ringing in his ears and Aidan had to swallow and shake his head to ignore the way it made his breath catch in his throat.

“Shit Chris,” he muttered, trying his best to focus on the impossibly hard muscles under his hands. “Maybe you should try yoga instead of all these weights.”

“Too boring,” he grumbled.

“Yeah, well, maybe you need to be a little bored sometimes. It’s like fucking rocks.”

“Can’t be worse than that bread you made and tried feeding to me.”

Aidan peeked down. Chris still had his eyes closed, but there was a small smirk playing on his lips. That must have been what took most of the sting out of his reply.

“I was worried you didn’t like the cafeteria food, okay?”

“And I appreciate that concern, even if I nearly lost a tooth over it,” the curve of his lips grew a little wider. “By the way I’m still not sure how you managed to sneak into the kitchen without being caught.”

Aidan rolled his eyes.

“I already told you I didn’t sneak in there.” One benefit of being the “poor” student at a private school was that it earned him the sympathy of the staff that worked behind the scenes - the janitors, the kitchen staff, the groundskeeper. The people who understood what it was like to be nearly invisible.

“You don’t seriously expect me to believe they just let you walk in there after hours.”

“Oh yeah?” Aidan scuffed, moving to work on his other shoulder. “What’s your explanation then Sherlock?”

“Hmm… superpowers?"

“Right, that’s it,” he snorted. “I have superpowers. Had them all this time and I’m just a really shitty superhero. Forget about saving the world, I can’t even save my own family’s business.”

Ah, fuck. He shouldn’t have said that. Chris' mouth thinned into a saddened line and Aidan had to look away. It wasn’t pity, but it was close. Close enough to let him know it was true. Suddenly, he felt a light mist pushing against his eyes. He knew it already, but somehow saying the words out loud and seeing the silent confirmation in Chris’ expression made it feel more real. He failed. He couldn’t help his mother, Ben, all the other people working for them. He couldn’t save his father’s dream. There was nothing he could do. At least not on his own. He continued kneading Chris’ back in silence for a long moment before he spoke again.

“Are you really going to help us?” he asked quietly.

“I said I would, didn't I?”

“Yes but…” His hands faltered “It’s just… you don’t get anything out of it. And after what I…”

Chris exhaled softly. He leaned his head back, his obsidian locks tickling his finger as he rested it in Aidan’s lap and looked up at him through long, dark lashes.

“Is it really that hard to believe I want to help because I care about you?”

Was it? Aidan’s brows pushed together. He supposed… he never thought about it like this until now. Was it that hard to believe Chris wanted to help because he cared? No, came the answer immediately. Chris was kind and generous. He was the guy who helped Ben study for his history test instead of focusing on his own finals. He was the guy who sent them something for Christmas every year even when he went off to college. He was the guy who somehow always made sure everyone got home safe when they went out.

But that was just how he was like with everyone. That didn’t mean he was out there taking on charity cases left and right. So, wasn’t the question different then? Aidan pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. Wasn’t the real question whether it was so hard to believe Chris cared about him? To him, he was also the guy who was always honest with him. The guy who gave him a place to stay at when he had nowhere else to go. The guy who never judged him, in over ten years, for holding an unrequited love for his best friend. The guy who listened and supported and encouraged him, even while he…he…

He did care, didn’t he? For it almost being winter, Aidan was suddenly way too hot. For a while, maybe even longer than he realized, he saw him as much more than just a friend. He looked at him with completely different eyes. He… cared.

“What?” Aidan’s gaze came back down to Chris. His eyebrows were a little higher on his forehead than they usually were and his lips pressed into a soft pout that frankly made him look nothing short of adorable. “Do you really think I have some ulterior motive?”

“I… no,” he shook his head. All of the heat from earlier suddenly rushed to his cheeks. “No, I’m sorry.”

Chris’ brows dropped, knotting between his eyes. He sat back up with a low grunt and turned around so he was facing Aidan, placing a light hand on his knee.

“Then there’s nothing to apologize for,” he said softly. Aidan dropped his head to look at the suddenly empty fingers he was quick to lace in his lap. After a moment, he nodded.

“You haven’t eaten yet, right?” Aidan glanced up. Chris was smiling at him again, that same reassuring smile he saw a million times before. Yet now it was like looking at him after a film has been removed from his eyes. It made something stir in his stomach that he couldn’t quite pin down. Shock? Embarrassment?

Aidan shook his head.

“Good.” Chris’ smile widened. “Me neither. So let’s just order some food and talk about the rest of it tomorrow. I already told you, didn’t I?” He gave his leg a light squeeze, and in that moment Aidan was willing to take all the strange feelings in the world.

“You don’t have to do this alone. We’re going to figure it out.”