I never meant to say those words. In fact, I fully meant for it to be only thought as I worked through what I actually should say back. But as I realised the words actually left my mouth, I clamped a hand over my mouth.
"Crushes?" he repeated, moving back from me slightly.
"Harley, I didn't mean—"
"You... Are you saying you like me?"
"Harley..."
"In a romantic way?"
I dropped my gaze as I waited for the rejection. As I waited for him to let me down gently or harshly... Whatever it may be. "I'm sorry."
"But... I thought you barely thought of me as a friend."
I glanced at him in disbelief for his comment. A myriad of emotions flickered across his face, but I couldn't pick a single one. Was it disgust I saw? Anger? Disappointment? "The reason I reacted like I did about the friend comment was because I know it's wrong for friends to have crushes on each other... It affects the friendship," I explained.
I fully expected him to get to his feet then and there. To shoot me down. To tell me to stop believing in dreams. But instead, his hand extended between us, fingers gently grasping my palm before he rubbed circles into the top of my hand. "Oh, Indi," he softly said.
And while it was nice to have him touching me and staring at me with such warmth, I had seen enough romance movies to know that this is not how a boy reacts when he finds out you like him if he likes to back.
"I'll get over it, I promise. I just need time," I whispered again, eyes turning down.
"And then you lose colour?"
I shrugged. "Carys thinks this might be a thing for me. That the next guy who comes along will also be in colour."
"What about previous crushes?"
I bit my lip as I looked even further down at my lap. At his slender thumb that was brushing over my skin in such a soothing manner. "I've been homeschooled basically my whole life. The only crushes I've had are celebrities, and... they don't exactly count."
"So... I'm your first crush?"
"Ugh," was all I said back before yanking my hand out of his and pulling the blanket back over my head. "Can you please go so that I can drown in my absolute mortification now?"
But, just like before, Harley let a chuckle escape him before prying the blanket from my face. Again, his nose and eyes were only a breath from mine as I resurfaced. His hand reached up, brushing my locks out of my face before he pried the glasses from my face again. Then, next I knew, the blanket was over both of our heads.
"What are you—"
"I want to look at you without those glasses in the way."
"But you can't see me without the light..."
He shrugged. "At least I know they aren't there. Indi... I'm absolutely honoured you like me."
Here we go... the rejection. "You don't have to say that," I mumbled.
"I know I don't. But I'm really touched you do. Feels like I've done something right that a girl as bright as you would like someone as—"
"Don't undervalue yourself like that," I quickly cut him off.
But he merely shrugged back.
When he didn't go on, my heart began to thud and my eyes stung with tears as I realised maybe I would have to fish for the rejection he was reluctant to give. "But you're with Lara," I concluded for the both of us.
"I am," he said back in a tone I tried to not read into.
Putting the glasses back on my face, I emerged from under the blanket with Harley following not far behind.
His brows had once again pulled together as his eyes searched my face. "Indi... I selfishly want you to keep seeing me in colour. I like that I stand out to you. But you and I—"
"I get it, Harley." I turned my head to the side, not wanting to see more of the rejection spilling off his face. "You should go. It's late."
"Indi," he said softly.
"I'm tired and need to sleep," I added, trying again to push him away.
With a sigh, he got to his feet.
As much as I wanted to curl up on that couch and wait for the ground to swallow me into my pit of despair, I reluctantly followed him to the door.
We didn't say anything as we walked down the hallway. Neither of us uttered a word as he slipped his shoes back on.
But as his hand gripped the door handle, he glanced back at me and said, "I'll text you tomorrow, okay?"
"You don't have to," I mumbled back.
A small smile turned one side of his face upwards as he said, "I know... but I want to."
"Your girlfriend wouldn't—"
His hand let go of the door, arms reaching for me as he pulled me against his body. "Lara can get fucked if she doesn't like me being your friend. You add colour to my life too, Indi."
My heart seared in pain as his words, so endearing out of context, bitterly met my ears. Because I knew he didn't mean it in the way I meant it. I knew he didn't like me in the same way I liked him.
But if this was all I could have...
I wrapped my arms around him, returning the hug until he let go first.
Then he exited into the night, leaving me to think about our conversation over and over again until slumber took me in the early hours of the next day.
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