ANXIETY (PT 2)
July 15, 2022
I wake up shaking
It’s 2 am
Why am I awake?
What is this?
I force myself to go back to sleep
It doesn't feel like I'm actually sleeping
I get up again, still shaking
It's 4 am
I feel like I'm breathing
But I'm not really
I go to the bathroom
And can't help but throw up
I'm covered in sweat
I get back in bed
And curl into a little ball
The muscles in my stomach
Are clenched so tightly
I remind myself to breathe
Deeply, in and out
Then quickly forget again
My thoughts are a whirlwind
Everything is scary
I remind myself
Everything will be ok
Which is immediately replaced by
No it won't
Here's what can go wrong
You could die
You could be hurt
So could they
The ones you love
You could be all alone
You might be unhappy
The thoughts sound irrational
But are they really
Because what's worse than this feeling?
Of imminent doom
I wouldn't wish this feeling
On anyone I've ever met
I force myself to get up
Because even though
I feel deathly ill
I have responsibilities
And I'm an adult
So I put on my clothes and
I go to the gym
It's 6 am
I blast music in my car
For 30 minutes
Until I feel my eardrums will burst
But that's okay
I feel a little better now
So I go into the gym
And I try my hardest
To remember to breathe
I close my eyes through most of it
So I'm not plagued by
The thoughts of people around me
What could they be thinking?
Did I remember to wash my face
And brush my teeth?
Do I look terrible right now?
Shut up Emily
It doesn't matter
Just finish this mile and move on
Breathe Emily BREATHE
One in
One out
Okay, everything will be ok
No it won't
My legs won't stop shaking
I can't stop
Moving my hands
I try not to touch my face
But it's hard
It's hard not to stare at people
I hope I don't make them uncomfortable
I change into my work clothes
And get back in my car
My stomach muscles are clenched again
I turn on my music
Suddenly the music stops
I panic
I'm screaming
I'm crying
Why is this happening?
How am I supposed to cope?
I close the app and open it again
I do this 30 times
Finally, the music plays
I remember to breathe
I drive away from the gym
I drive too fast
I hate it when I'm behind someone
Really slow
I scream and scream and
Get so frustrated
I just go around them
I scream the lyrics to every song that plays
The muscles in my stomach
Release, ever so slightly
The nausea hasn't subsided
I get to work an hour early
This is perfect
Absolutely
I play my music for the whole hour
But it's not enough
I need to do something with my hands
I throw them around and scream the lyrics
A song comes on that I don't know
So I check my messages
Everyone says
How are you?
How are you feeling?
I really want to be honest
But mostly I'll just say, I'm okay
Because truthfully I am
But truthfully, am I?
It's just too much to explain
I feel ready to go
I go into work
Nobody returns my greeting
Instant doom
Everyone here hates me
It's confirmed
I remember all the times
That I said something
And no one replied
Am I annoying?
Do I talk too much or too loud?
I sit at my desk and put in my earbuds
I try to relax
My stomach feels empty
But also feels like
I'll die if I eat
I can't eat
It'll make me feel so much worse
Drink water, Emily
Come on, you can do it
I take what I feel are 3 big sips
You can't even tell I drank any
The water line didn't move
I get distracted
I immediately go through every email
Through every voice-mail
Work hasn't even started yet
And I've addressed all of them
Now what do I do?
I sit with my thoughts
BREATHE EMILY BREATHE
I always feel like
The world is ending
My boss comes into the office
He walks right by me
No greeting
Damn I'm gonna get fired
What do I do?
I look online at job postings for 30 minutes
A coworker has a question
And only I know the answer
I feel needed
I feel secure
I close the job posting app
I drink another 3 "big" sips of water
I go to the bathroom 10 times in the first 3 hours
But I've drank half the water bottle
I tell myself I did a good job
Of course the alternative thoughts fight back
Come on, finish the water
But what if I get fired for spending
Too much time in the bathroom
Not only from drinking water
But from the pains in my stomach
Which cause me to go constantly
Even though I haven't eaten
Oh right, I need to eat
I do research on calorie intake
How much do I need to survive?
I realize it's way more than I've been eating
I make a plan to eat something for lunch
I click click click the mouse
All over the screen
Because there's nothing to do
When lunch comes
I'm not hungry
I'm too anxious
My muscles are all clenched
I go home and I see my dog
I play with him
He makes me laugh and smile
I feel a little better
For a moment
And then I'm crying
No notice
All my thoughts tell me
I don't deserve this creature
This pure and amazing boy
He's such a good boy
I tell him 100 times and go back to work
I forgot to eat
I have junk food at work
Should I just eat that?
Or should I wait?
I don't know
I spend the rest of the day in a haze
Caught between depressed and anxious
On my way home my heart just pounds
I'm always imagining
That something bad will happen when I get there
But it doesn't
Instant relief
I take a shower right away
I do what I feel like
No more, no less
I get right into bed
And turn on the TV
Something light and romantic
But of course it makes me cry
But suddenly I feel better
Enough to eat
I turn on the oven and put in something frozen
It takes an hour to finish
When it’s done, I can only eat half of it
The rest, I throw away
I hate myself
For being wasteful
And other reasons too
I get back in bed
I feel nauseous again
BREATHE EMILY BREATHE
It's 8:30 pm
I turn off the TV
I roll over
And force myself to sleep
And repeat the cycle all over again
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