ANXIETY (PT 2)

July 15, 2022

I wake up shaking

It’s 2 am

Why am I awake?

What is this?

I force myself to go back to sleep

It doesn't feel like I'm actually sleeping

I get up again, still shaking

It's 4 am

I feel like I'm breathing

But I'm not really

I go to the bathroom

And can't help but throw up

I'm covered in sweat

I get back in bed

And curl into a little ball

The muscles in my stomach

Are clenched so tightly

I remind myself to breathe

Deeply, in and out

Then quickly forget again

My thoughts are a whirlwind

Everything is scary

I remind myself

Everything will be ok

Which is immediately replaced by

No it won't

Here's what can go wrong

You could die

You could be hurt

So could they

The ones you love

You could be all alone

You might be unhappy

The thoughts sound irrational

But are they really

Because what's worse than this feeling?

Of imminent doom

I wouldn't wish this feeling

On anyone I've ever met

I force myself to get up

Because even though

I feel deathly ill

I have responsibilities

And I'm an adult

So I put on my clothes and

I go to the gym

It's 6 am

I blast music in my car

For 30 minutes

Until I feel my eardrums will burst

But that's okay

I feel a little better now

So I go into the gym

And I try my hardest

To remember to breathe

I close my eyes through most of it

So I'm not plagued by

The thoughts of people around me

What could they be thinking?

Did I remember to wash my face

And brush my teeth?

Do I look terrible right now?

Shut up Emily

It doesn't matter

Just finish this mile and move on

Breathe Emily BREATHE

One in

One out

Okay, everything will be ok

No it won't

My legs won't stop shaking

I can't stop

Moving my hands

I try not to touch my face

But it's hard

It's hard not to stare at people

I hope I don't make them uncomfortable

I change into my work clothes

And get back in my car

My stomach muscles are clenched again

I turn on my music

Suddenly the music stops

I panic

I'm screaming

I'm crying

Why is this happening?

How am I supposed to cope?

I close the app and open it again

I do this 30 times

Finally, the music plays

I remember to breathe

I drive away from the gym

I drive too fast

I hate it when I'm behind someone

Really slow

I scream and scream and

Get so frustrated

I just go around them

I scream the lyrics to every song that plays

The muscles in my stomach

Release, ever so slightly

The nausea hasn't subsided

I get to work an hour early

This is perfect

Absolutely

I play my music for the whole hour

But it's not enough

I need to do something with my hands

I throw them around and scream the lyrics

A song comes on that I don't know

So I check my messages

Everyone says

How are you?

How are you feeling?

I really want to be honest

But mostly I'll just say, I'm okay

Because truthfully I am

But truthfully, am I?

It's just too much to explain

I feel ready to go

I go into work

Nobody returns my greeting

Instant doom

Everyone here hates me

It's confirmed

I remember all the times

That I said something

And no one replied

Am I annoying?

Do I talk too much or too loud?

I sit at my desk and put in my earbuds

I try to relax

My stomach feels empty

But also feels like

I'll die if I eat

I can't eat

It'll make me feel so much worse

Drink water, Emily

Come on, you can do it

I take what I feel are 3 big sips

You can't even tell I drank any

The water line didn't move

I get distracted

I immediately go through every email

Through every voice-mail

Work hasn't even started yet

And I've addressed all of them

Now what do I do?

I sit with my thoughts

BREATHE EMILY BREATHE

I always feel like

The world is ending

My boss comes into the office

He walks right by me

No greeting

Damn I'm gonna get fired

What do I do?

I look online at job postings for 30 minutes

A coworker has a question

And only I know the answer

I feel needed

I feel secure

I close the job posting app

I drink another 3 "big" sips of water

I go to the bathroom 10 times in the first 3 hours

But I've drank half the water bottle

I tell myself I did a good job

Of course the alternative thoughts fight back

Come on, finish the water

But what if I get fired for spending

Too much time in the bathroom

Not only from drinking water

But from the pains in my stomach

Which cause me to go constantly

Even though I haven't eaten

Oh right, I need to eat

I do research on calorie intake

How much do I need to survive?

I realize it's way more than I've been eating

I make a plan to eat something for lunch

I click click click the mouse

All over the screen

Because there's nothing to do

When lunch comes

I'm not hungry

I'm too anxious

My muscles are all clenched

I go home and I see my dog

I play with him

He makes me laugh and smile

I feel a little better

For a moment

And then I'm crying

No notice

All my thoughts tell me

I don't deserve this creature

This pure and amazing boy

He's such a good boy

I tell him 100 times and go back to work

I forgot to eat

I have junk food at work

Should I just eat that?

Or should I wait?

I don't know

I spend the rest of the day in a haze

Caught between depressed and anxious

On my way home my heart just pounds

I'm always imagining

That something bad will happen when I get there

But it doesn't

Instant relief

I take a shower right away

I do what I feel like

No more, no less

I get right into bed

And turn on the TV

Something light and romantic

But of course it makes me cry

But suddenly I feel better

Enough to eat

I turn on the oven and put in something frozen

It takes an hour to finish

When it’s done, I can only eat half of it

The rest, I throw away

I hate myself

For being wasteful

And other reasons too

I get back in bed

I feel nauseous again

BREATHE EMILY BREATHE

It's 8:30 pm

I turn off the TV

I roll over

And force myself to sleep

And repeat the cycle all over again