*Warning: The following chapter contains homophobia*
Before Nana and I knew it, everyone was seated and eating dinner. While it was fun cooking with Nana, I’ve never felt such stress in my life. I think I lost like 10 years of my life preparing the dinner.
Nevertheless, everyone is happily eating dinner. Two separate conversations are taking place, one from the older adults and the other from the younger adults. I’m not participating in either seeing as I’m too busy enjoying the delicious food Nana prepared. I was already excited to dig in from the aroma, I might need to steal some of her recipes…
“So Ainsley, I heard you’re planning to work alongside your Dad in business?” Aunt Daria suddenly asks, breaking my train of thought as silence follows her question.
“Ideally. I’m still in college,” Ains responds after taking a sip of her wine.
“I think it’s a great idea,” Uncle Denis chimes in, “I’m sure Alex is pleased to hear about it.” I look over to see a proud smile plastered on Dad’s face.
“What about the twins?” Mom hums, looking at Vera and Victor.
“Oh, I’m going for my master’s degree in law,” Vera answers.
“And I’m working with a video game company for their next big project,” Victor hums with delight in his eyes. I rest my head on my knuckles and play with my food as my cousins express their success. It’s great that their hard work is paying off, but I’m the dumbass in the family! It sucks to hear about achievements you can only dream of ever accomplishing…
And yeah, I’m still young and have time for my successes, but Luke is only a month older than me, and yet he’s somehow physically and mentally stronger than me! I swear everyone is a prodigy except me. Maybe I was swapped out at birth and this isn’t my real family…
“Kian, dear, how about you? How are your grades?” Aunt Marlin questions. I look up to see her and Mom.
I purse my lips, “Not good enough. Mom got me a tutor.” I see fires in Mom’s eyes as I utter those words. What? I told the truth, did she want me to lie?
“Oh…” Aunt Marlin hums as it falls silent. The kind of silence where all you hear are the forks clinking with the plates. I can feel their judging eyes on me.
“Well Luke, tell everyone about how you’re doing in school,” Aunt Daria smiles, breaking the silence. I roll my eyes at her remark.
“It’s alright, I got As on my recent exams,” he says casually. The boy notices my burning stare as a slight smirk appears on his lips. I hate his soul and he knows it.
“How’s football going?” Dad asks him. Sometimes I forget that Dad is a huge football fan. He’d push me to play it when I was younger but I was never into it.
“Terrible, we lost our quarterback and we have a game this Friday,” He complains. Oh my god, are you telling me bad things can happen to him??
“Oh yeah, you didn’t get to tell me what happened with that,” Jonah reminds Luke.
“I’m happy he’s gone, though,” he scoffs. I listen to him attentively as curiosity takes over. “I always knew the little fairy was a homo with how he looked at me. It’s disgusting.”
I feel my heart sink as he utters those words. I look to see the others displaying a similar, disgusted expression.
“It’s horrible to see the world slowly accepting those kinds of people,” Aunt Daria complains.
They continue to talk, but I can’t even hear what they are saying. I suddenly feel nauseous and lightheaded.
I feel the fork fall from my grasp, when I get the slightest strength to say, “Please excuse me for a moment.”
I stumble while getting up from my seat and dash to the bathroom. I close the door behind me and immediately vomit into the toilet. It doesn’t shock me that they think like that, but they’ve never been vocal about it, and…it pisses me off.
It pisses me off that they can just say shit like that. Like what they are saying isn’t wrong and it is those people who are the wrong ones for loving who they do…why I’m so bothered by this?
Yes, it is awful to see people have to hide from everyone, especially when they don’t have any support at all.
But why do I feel so…lost? As if the prejudiced thoughts involve me –But they don’t. They shouldn’t because I’m not…I’m not like them.
I manage to get up and clear my mouth with water. I look up at the mirror and for some reason, I feel my eyes sting as they fill with tears–
“Kian? Are you alright?” I snap back to reality at Mom’s words, quickly splashing water on my face. Forget about it, Kian.
“Sweetie?” She says again with a knock on the door. I rub my eyes and eventually open the door.
“I’m fine, my stomach just hurts all of a sudden," I tell her, hoping that she buys it.
Mom places a hand on my face, lifting it so our eyes meet. "You can head to your room, the one to the left. I'll bring some medicine, okay?" She explains. I simply nod as she heads back to the kitchen.
I hear the distance mumbling from the dining room. With a sigh, I rub my temple and trudge to the room I'm supposedly sleeping in tonight.
I switch on the lights to see my suitcase on the bed. As much as I'd rather just lie on the bed right now, I can't sleep in these jeans.
I quickly change out of them and turn off the lights. I lay on the bed and covered myself with the blanket, and before my thoughts started plaguing my mind, the door opened.
"Take this before going to sleep, Hun," she says. I hear her footsteps get closer when the bed creaks from her sitting on it.
I don't know why, but I chose to be quiet. I didn't feel like saying anything. And Mom doesn't push it, leaving the medicine on the bedside table and leaving the room just as quietly.
It doesn't take long for the silence to eat me alive. Countless thoughts are running through my mind, and my heart continues to sink deeper. I clenched the blanket over me and shut my eyes closed.
Why now? Why so suddenly? I knew I wouldn't be able to run away from it forever–Fuck, and I know it's wrong to pretend those feelings didn't exist, but…why do I have to feel so awful after finally admitting it to myself?
Admitting that I’ve always liked boys, too…in a family that shows nothing but disgust for people like me?
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