*Please note that Leith is being misgendered and remember that the others don't know even if it seems like yes because Kenton now does. All the other reasons aren't valid to misgender someone.*
11-Nothing short of uncertainty
Leith's pov
Things have changed quite a lot in the last few days and for the better. I'm glad that things are back to normal with Kenton.
Ok, we didn't have much of a relationship before the party but still, I'm glad. Now we are friends, I guess.
Even though we are hanging out together like before things aren't 100% the same.
It's not like the first time we did homework together.
It seems like everything is different since the kiss.
Yeah, since then Kenton has been doing whatever he wants. Whatever he wants is big.
I say that we are friends who do homework together but that couldn't be further from the truth.
I don't how and why I let it happen, but Kenton kisses me sometimes. Sometimes he's been a bit touchy with me not too much because we are in public but still. He hugged me once or twice already but he still hasn't held my hand through.
This isn't normal by any means. It makes me so happy, it feels so surreal that the Kenton I like is doing all this and even more, so that he might like me.
Even if it feels like a dream, I know it's not normal. This isn't what friends do. Why am I so casual about Kenton kissing me, it shouldn't be so casual!
The truth is it kills me not knowing what this is, so I'm not entirely sure I like it. Kenton is so chill about it. For him, it's normal but it's not. All this means a lot more than he thinks and I think.
What does it mean that he's doing all that? How can I know he's not just doing it for fun? How can I know this is going to last or that he's not doing it to anyone else?
If this is a game, I don't like it. I need to know what this is.
Gosh, why does Kenton have to be so popular? I don't care about that girl Elliana or whatever but it was so annoying that she was acting so close to Kenton.
She could do what I wish I could do. She got to be with Kenton at the table. She gets to be with those cool people.
I wish I could be a part of them but I could never be.
It's a miracle that Kenton talks to me and is so interested in me. Even if his friends like me, I can't help but think eating with them would feel wrong...I'm not a part of them.
I can't even bring to imagine what dating Kenton would look like.
People would probably say that I should take advantage of how things are right now.
Well, the truth is that this casual thing isn't what I hope for. I wish for Kenton to be mine even if I know it'll never happen.
I feel lucky that he even considers kissing me and being around me but he does it to everyone. It won't be too long before he gets bored of me. I'm not special, I'm just a part of his numerous list of lovers.
Even if I want to think about it like that he's not mine. We aren't even dating so he might even kiss someone else. If he does I can't even consider it cheating we aren't dating. He never made it official. We may kiss here and there but that's nowhere near the dating level. Well, I should know.
I may have less experience than him but I still have some. I only dated a guy once. His name was Nickolas but I called him Nick. We met back in 8th grade. We were lab partners. We quickly hit it off. That's where our friendship began.
He got along well with Sarah too. Back then, I had yet to meet Mattie. The 3 of us were a trio. We were inseparable after a few months. We did everything together.
Everything was perfect till we had to go to high school. His parents wanted him to go to the other high school in town instead of mine's and Sarah's. He didn't want to obviously but his parents forced him to go. Luckily, we remained friends by seeing each other after school and on weekends.
Sure things weren't the same as it was before but at least it was that. He told us the craziest stories from his school and so did we.
Then after a few months, Nick and I were alone together for the first time in a while since Sarah had to babysit as usual. It was awkward at first but we started doing the typical things we normally do. We caught up in what we missed and we played our usual games.
We were playing on his PS4 when suddenly he looked me in the eye and I felt it, there was a shift in the mood. I thought it was strange at first but then slowly he closed the distance between us. I hadn't noticed that he was looking at my lips.
Through, I stopped the kiss shortly after I told him he was crazy. He looked at me with hurt and confusion. I straight up left afterwards. Somehow that kiss changed everything between us.
It went to the point that every time we were left alone for a few seconds he would always manage to kiss me. I don't know what it was about him but he wasn't the same Nick. He was the Nick that tried to seduce me by flirting and I fell for it.
After a few days, I had a hutch at what he was aiming for. I figured that he wanted us to date and no longer be just friends but I was afraid that we would ruin our friendship.
And I was still confused over the fact I could be gay, how couldn't I? I was never taught this was a thing and if so, it was a sin. I didn't want to be a sinner especially not to my family.
Eventually, my interest in exploring my feelings and the idea of being gay took over me.
So despite the fear, I eventually agreed to date. Sarah was so shocked when we told her about us. She felt a bit betrayed that all of this was happening behind her back and we didn't care to tell her for a few weeks. She was also confused that two guys could be together but she quickly like the two of us understood it was a real thing.
Luckily, Sarah always supported me, one of the rare ones despite her being a Christian too. She supported Nick and I's relationship even if she knew it was a sin. Today, I know why she was so open to the idea, she was gay herself.
Regardless, it was also during that time that I was struggling with my identity. Obviously, I never told either of them for a few months as I was afraid to see their reaction.
I wasn't too sure what it was that was wrong with me. It was during the next summer, when I turned 15 that I found out what non-binary meant and I started to identify as one, despite the threats of it being a sin.
I knew that back then I didn't really like being called Liam anymore. It was by pure chance that I came upon the name Leith.
Like the coward I am, I told my then-boyfriend Nick. I thought it was important that he knew about it since he was the most important person in my life. I thought he would be okay with it since he was boyfriend right? Well, I was utterly wrong. Not only didn't he accept it, he told me I was a fat liar, that I was playing games with him.
I don't think I understood that I had to stop telling him I'm nonbinary. He decided to break up with me because he said he didn't want to date someone who proclaims such nonsense, his words, not mine. I was utterly heartbroken. He didn't reach out to me after that.
It was my first heartbreak and it hurt so much as it was because my very one best friend and ex-boyfriend couldn't understand who I was.
Regardless, it was through Sarah that I learned that not even one week later he moved to L.A. I didn't know Nick was such a dick. At least, I had Sarah and Mattie to comfort me but still, that didn't stop me from being heartbroken.
Honestly, I'm not sure I fully recovered from that heartbreak.
"Hey, what are you thinking about?"
"Oh sh*t, you scared me, Sarah!"
"Oh come on, don't be dramatic. You were just too stuck in your head to realize I was standing next to you this whole time."
"Yeah, yeah I get it."
"Hm, something tells me you weren't thinking of a good thing. You were probably not thinking of Kenton. What were you thinking about to make you frown like that?"
"I was frowning?"
"Yeah, you totally were."
"Huh...I need to hide my thoughts better."
"I hope you weren't thinking of something so terrible that you can't even talk about it."
"No, it's nothing too serious. I was thinking of Nick..."
"Wait, why are you thinking about him? Oh no don't me you still have feelings for him and you're lying to Kenton!"
"Stop, stop! No, stop inventing bullsh*t!"
"Ok, ok...I'll stop."
"No, I'm definitely over Nick with everything he's done. I was just thinking about how it ended."
"Oh, don't tell me you're scared that such a thing could happen again."
"Well...I don't know..."
"Oh, Leith..." She sits down and starts hugging me but I brush her off.
"No, don't start pitying me."
"That's not what I was about to do."
"You totally were gonna do that."
"Hey guys!" We both turn to look at Mattie.
"Geez, do you need to be this loud?!"
"Yeah, yeah sorry." He scratches his hair with his hand.
"So what's going on here?"
"Why should you deserve to know?" I say coldly.
"Huh? Why are you being so harsh? I'm your friend, no? You like telling me about your issues."
"It's not issues!"
"That's beside the point!"
"Come on Mattie, Leith calm down. We're drawing attention." She was on the verge of screaming. Somehow she managed not to.
"Ok but still Mattie, you're barely there anymore. Where do you always go without telling us?"
"What? What are you talking about? Oh did I misunderstand? I didn't think I was forced to be with you guys 24/7.
"We never said you had to but you're being way too secretive for your own good. It's so unlike you. Did you find yourself a secret lover or what?" Sarah says and Mattie becomes quiet all of a sudden.
"Wait, you did find yourself someone!" Sarah says all excited. That's news.
"It doesn't matter. Are you gonna tell me what was going here but I got here?"
"Oh come on! This is huge! Now this explains why you've been going elsewhere! Omg, tell me more!" Sarah says excitedly.
"Fine then keep fussing over this instead of what's going on if you want to be a b*tch," Mattie says harshly.
Woah, not only Mattie ignores Sarah but now he's being mean to her. Something ain't right with him.
"Woah, woah Matthew what's wrong with you all of the sudden."
"Nothing's wrong with me."
"Hm sure"
"Anyways Leith's scared that Kenton will break things off between them."
"I never said that."
"Oh, come on it's obvious that it's that."
"Wait, I missed a chapter. What do you mean you're scared that he'll break things off with you?"
We all sit down on a bench.
"I just...I don't know what we are. Like he kisses me and stuff but is it gonna last? Is this considered dating? Like, how long will it take before he gets bored of me?"
"Why are you being so insecure? It's obvious that guy likes you."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I've seen you guys together and the way he looks at you says a lot," Mattie says.
"You really mean that?"
"Yeah? Why would I lie about that? Kenton may be a player but I think it's serious this time around."
"But...it's not serious between us. Even if he kisses me sometimes, I can't help but think that he's not mine you know? I don't have the right to be jealous...we aren't even dating."
"Then make it official then," Sarah says.
"It's not how it works. He knows I like him and I know that he's trying to figure out his feelings. As much as this makes me happy, it just eats me from the inside that we aren't a thing."
"Why are relationships so complicated nowadays?"
"Oh stop acting like you're an old man Mattie!" Sarah slaps him.
"But what? I don't get it. If he knows you like him, you know that he might have the hoots for you. What's blocking you from asking him about that? You aren't gonna get anywhere if you guys don't communicate."
"I know, I know...I'm scared."
"Oh, you mean you're too nervous to ask him about it?"
"Yeah..."
"Seriously, I don't know why you're so afraid to talk to Kenton. He's not intimidating at all from what I know." Wait what? He knows what now?
"Geez Mattie, you're so suspicious. Do you know something we don't? Like I'm starting to think you're talking to one of Kenton's friends. Wait, are you actually doing that just for my sake?!" I say confused and Mattie nervously laughs.
"What no? Why would I do that? I don't have the guts to do that!" We both raise an eyebrow at that but choose to ignore it.
Yeah, says the one that literally forced me to talk to them the other day.
"The point here is that you need to talk to him. You can't let this slide." Sarah says.
"I know...but I'm kinda scared to do so."
"Well, if that makes you feel better we can be with you when you ask him out."
"What? No, that's weird Mattie. That's not something you ask in front of your friends."
"Well, I don't know what else to do, Sarah?"
"I don't know how about we still come with you? You mentioned yesterday before leaving that he wants to meet us so this is our opportunity to officially meet him and once you feel ready to ask him what you want, we'll leave. Simple like that." Sarah says.
"Are you sure that won't be awkward?" I say worried.
"No, I think you need some moral support and anyways, I know that you'll chicken out if I'm not there to force you!"
"Fine, we'll do it at lunch break."
—————-
This is so awkward. Why did I agree that my friends be there? Now Kenton has all his attention on my friends and not on me. I've been completely forgotten. This isn't what I was hoping for at all.
"So, you are Sarah." He smiles.
"Yeah, it's nice to meet ya." She does too.
"Well, you're Matthew right?"
"Yeah, the guy from the other day."
"Oh yeah, I remember you. Actually, I heard a lot about you guys from Leith."
"Oh really?" They both look at me smiling brightly. Ugh...
"Yeah"
They continue talking for a few minutes and sometimes they include me in their conversation, other times not so much.
Wasn't it supposed to be about me? Are my friends ditching me for Kenton or something?
"I want to ask you something, Kenton."
"Oh okay. What is it?" My friend realizes what this is about and leaves.
"We kinda have to do something now, so yeah. Mattie says."
"Bye see you another time." Sarab shad,
"Oh ok, you guys should definitely hang out with us again sometime."
"Sure" They leave.
"So what was that about? Why did they leave?"
"Well...I've been meaning to ask you....uh that.." Ugh, why is he looking at me like that? It's making me more nervous.
"Um...what...no...what do you think about my friends?"
"That's it?"
"What do you mean that's it?"
"Nah, it's nothing. I think you're friends are fun to be with. Sarah looks full of energy and Matthew is fun to talk to."
"Oh okay...but they don't beat your friends, right?"
"What are you saying? Your friends are cool. Hey, if you like my friends so much, you can hang out with us, you know?"
"Yeah...I know..."
It's silent between us for what feels like a minute until he suddenly holds my hand.
"I've...been thinking about something lately..."
"Oh?"
"Well...I've been thinking a lot and I can feel that you're frustrated about how it's been between us lately and...and...I've been thinking that...Will you go on a date with me Leith?"
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