Academics reminded me of a battlefield.

I believed that, as scholars, we were at war with the others of our kind, constantly preparing and strategizing for our battles or fighting each other on equal terms in battle to see who came out on top. That only one would rise amongst the ranks, besting the others and not afraid to shed blood on their way to our end goal, with the end goal being something that we all strived for. 

Valedictorian. 

My dream, since my first honors class in freshman year, was to become the student that defeated all the others to become the best. That reaching the highest level of ranking through our school system would define the rest of my career after graduation, an accomplishment that would full-send my soul crushing competitive side. I knew from an early age that being competitive in the aspect of sports did not lie in the cards for me, that being competitive in the world of academics would be something that took me farther than the others in my town. 

My parents never understood how I turned out this way, they had liked school for the social part, only to put all the other stuff that went into school on the back burner. They had settled for average, flipping everything on its head when they got to college, earning degrees and becoming higher ups in the workforce. Unfortunately I wanted to use my intelligence to go to art school to pursue creative writing so that I could go out into the world and create the next New York Times Bestseller, something that would touch the minds of everyone. Prove to other writers that I was a force to be reckoned with, someone willing to top the charts and do anything to maintain my throne until someone pried it from my cold dead fingers. To others, even Gage and my parents, I sounded like I had a few screws loose. But I was sure that I mentally stable. 

Well mostly. 

A few days had passed since Gage made his promise to address our ‘Friendship’, my patience running thin as we never talked about it after that day, the silence on both sides slowly and painfully killing me. I decided on putting all of my energy into my first week of senior year, making sure to establish dominance with the other students in my classes, reminding them that it was me that was going to be the best. The other students thoroughly enjoyed competing with me when it came to our course work, making it into a game so that we didn’t lose our minds in the process. The top ten students, which included myself, interchanged our ranks throughout the years, always maintaining certain spots until someone trampled over the other and vice versa. Fortunately for me, I always remained within the top two spots, switching between the ranks at the slightest difference in grades. There was one person that had seemed, in all three years of my high school career, to keep me on my toes. Someone I considered, above everyone else, to be my rival. 

Uylssa Stevens. 

She was the bane of my existence, the shadow that lingered over me in my nightmares, a student whose determination to be the best rivaled my own. Her mind had been formidable since the day that I met her in honors biology, her grades competing with mine, the only difference between them being one to two points. My parents showed concern when I had admitted to them that her getting better grades than me, haunted me until I was able to beat her. Long story short, I kept my feelings about Ulyssa and her better grades to myself. Even Gage passed judgement on me, telling me that it was only a grade and to get over it; the only time in my life I ever doubted my friendship with him.

“Hey Ulyssa, can you please help me with this part?” a girl's voice asked from the other side of the classroom, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Ulyssa looked up from her book that lay rested open in her hand, the pages slightly facing her as she answered the questions from her packet. Her bright white blonde hair fell away from her glasses, ones that reminded me of ones that Milo Thatch wore in that Atlantis movie only slightly smaller, making her look perpetually inquisitive. She was beautiful in the most simple way, girls always looked at her silently with jealousy as the male population gawked at her every chance they got. In the weirdest way I was jealous of her beauty too, maybe that feeling was akin to my competitive side, but next to her I looked plain and I refused to lose to her. 

“Um sure” Ulyssa responded awkwardly from her desk, slowly standing up. 

The atmosphere that was my AP Literature class surrounded me once more, the other students deeply enthralled with their discussions, speaking in hushed tones and excited intellectual chatter. I looked down at my discussion packet on my desk, the deep opened questions staring back at me, their words speaking of the symbolism of the novel we had just finished—A Midsummer Night’s dream. I had already looked through the small packet, trying to determine which questions to answer first that seemed easier to me. The others around me were interested in the romance, or the lack thereof, in the novel as they touched on the love interests of the characters, and the fact that it was indeed asymmetrical. 

They also touched on the idea of loving someone who was in love with someone else or, in the worst way, did not feel the same way. It resonated with me, and my current situation with Gage, the fact that my feelings for him felt one-sided or like a fleeting dream that I hoped would be returned, especially with his recent actions. In all honesty I still had yet to figure out what my feelings really meant in terms of my sexuality, since I never gave it much internal thought. I never had a definitive answer for my attraction to Gage due to me not being aware of anyone of the male gender but him. Have I ever noticed other boys besides my best friend? No. Were there any other boys that caught my attention? My tunnel vision was so bad, I had never given anyone else any thought or, in the slightest, any consideration.

My eyes wandered across the room, looking at the girls present in the classroom, looking at their features and attire. Most of them would be considered pretty and well kept, even to me, but it went nowhere in regards to attraction or even the slightest speck interest. Then Ulyssa came into my field of view, her subtle regalness filling my vision as she helped our classmate with her packet, the girl slightly blushed under her direction. Even the gorgeous features of Ulyssa Stevens didn’t phase me, but for the other males in the room, I could not speak for them. In the end it seemed that there was a possibility I may have not met the right girl, considering my feelings for Gage were still at the forefront of my mind. It was not that I didn’t want to have feelings for him, but it felt like it complicated the relationship that we had worked so hard to build with each other.

I tore my eyes away from Ulyssa before anyone noticed my intense stare in her direction, looking at my packet once before I noticed the first question on the page before me. It asked about the significance of dreams throughout the book, in relation to the events of the book and Shakespeare's personal interest in dreams. My thoughts automatically went back to the night with Gage, how I had wanted to wake up from that experience, allowing for its interpretation to be left open. Instead what I got was a ‘dream’ that could have easily been a nightmare in disguise, especially after I asked about the definition of what we were. 

Unlike Freud or, better yet, Hippolyta, my dreams gave me no answers for the enigma that was Gage and I’s possible relationship, or the future to come. They confused me and left so many questions unanswered, questions that were so important to my current situation. Yet I sat in my AP Literature class, staring at the blank packet that still resided in front of me, something that was unlike me. 

“Yo Tristan, what key point did you put for question 4? I feel like I missed the mark with what I put” a voice asked from behind me. 

I turned around to look at the source of the voice, my thoughts on gage and dream interpretations being filed away for another time, my eyes locking with Edmund Park. The guy stared at me with an intense gaze, he seemed to be hesitant with me helping him with his coursework. It also didn’t help that he hated the fact that he still held the rank of number 10 in our class rankings, something he resented wholeheartedly. I looked back at my blank packet before looking back at him, knowing that I couldn’t have helped him because I hadn’t even started mine.