My tear stained face staring back at me in my bathroom mirror had played over and over in my head, the coolness from my sink etched into my hands as I had gripped it in frustration. Gage’s words ran through my mind, reminding me that at the end of the sequence of events of our interaction, it always led back to the very thing that resonated so deeply within my psyche.

I had not answered his question. 

The very question, until recently, I did not think would plague me in the way that it did, its words making my body itch with the same nervous feeling from the day before. Did I like girls? Did they pose any sort of interest to me? Even in the slightest? My answer—or at least the first part of it— came in the form of Melissa sitting across from Asher and I, her eyes focused on the screen before her. I took in the vision that was Melissa Gearhart, her hazel eyes sparkling off the sheen from her computer screen, waves of chestnut brown hair outlining her heart shaped face. Melissa was beautiful, simply beautiful. She was a simple girl, one that didn’t need much of anything to win the hearts of everyone around her. 

Most guys talked about how attractive she was, but in a way that guys felt so intimidated to even attempt to talk to her. They felt that they were worthy of asking her out, yet none of them had the balls to do so.

If I asked Melissa out, would she say yes?

Would I want her to say yes? 

Dating her wouldn’t solve any of my problems. I felt like they would only exacerbate my current problems, problems I knew would never go away unless I faced them or, at least, accepted them. The more I looked at Melissa, the more I realized that I did not feel anything towards her. My skin did not get warm at the sight of her beauty. My heart did not race at the thought of touching her or of her touching me. There was nothing. 

The realization sat in the pit of my stomach like a large stone, heavy and very, very real. I was carrying the weight of the burden that was my sexual identity, the feeling like I didn’t have a choice, something that, if I ultimately did have it,  would have made everything so much easier. Being able to choose whom I was attracted to based on what was deemed normal, would have completely changed the dynamic of my now growing situation. Why couldn’t I have that choice? 

The second part of my answer came from the person sitting next to me, the sound of his fingers as he typed away at his keyboard, a quizzical look on his face reflecting his actions. Asher seemed to be deep in thought as he typed his answer to a prompt Ms. Wilder had written at the beginning of class. The look alone warmed me to my core, the sight of him immersing himself in his writing brought a smile to my face, something that felt so rare in my current state. The memory of his eyes analyzing me when he thought I wasn’t looking at the beginning of class, caused my heartbeat to race at what seemed to lay behind the heat of those dark eyes.

“What, do I got something on my face?” I blinked my eyes in surprise looking at Asher. 

I knew I had been caught in the act. 

My eyes focused on Asher once more, seeing that he had not looked away from his screen as he typed out more to his prompt reply. Could he have felt my eyes boring into his face while I was watching him? Had I been that obvious?

“There must be something on my face, you haven’t written anything for the prompt. At all.” He said, with a small smirk forming on his face.

I blinked, realizing he was right. The empty document on my screen radiated into the side of my face—something that unfortunately had become too common of an occurrence lately.

“Are you doing alright Tristan? You look like you got something heavy on your mind” Asher asked, turning his full attention towards me. 

“No, I’m fine” I replied, my body shifting towards my empty document as I tried to ignore the attractive guy next to me, “I was just zoned out is all.”

“Are you sure?” 

I really needed to stop answering.

“Pretty sure, plus I need to get to this prompt done before she calls time”  

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Asher staring at me intently, my answers had not sufficed for his questions, the idea of having to face my inner conflict made me start to sweat. I squirmed in my seat at the feeling of his stare, my skin becoming hot as my nervousness made my body tingle. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I should have dropped the subject, but the temptation of answering him had gotten the best of me. 

My fingers started to glide over my keyboard, the decision to ignore the embodiment of the sun next me finalized itself in my head, allowing for me to focus on my prompt. My spaced out mind had made me realize that I had become so encapsulated with the intrusive thoughts from the day before with Gage, it made my jaw tighten from the memory. Why did it feel like a large space in my chest felt empty like an endless black pit? Why did my body feel the need to go into autopilot so that I didn’t dwell on the feeling? The amount of emotions I had started to feel as of late were not getting any better the more I tried to approach them logically.

It seemed like logic was not going to get me out of my situation, especially since it included Gage,the reason for the black pit in my chest, and no one else. I was lucky my parents had been so distracted by work, meaning that I wouldn’t suddenly blurt out all of my ongoing problems to them. I was glad they had kept any inklings of a conversation very short as of late due to all of us being busy. 

“You know, whatever is troubling you will pass, right?” Asher’s words had cut into the hole in my chest.

“Wait, what?” I replied, turning to him confused. 

“I’m just saying, sometimes the things that hover over us, pass on their own once we realize that they aren’t worth holding on to” His eyes had still never left me. 

I continued to look at my computer screen, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The silence from Asher made me feel like he had given up, but the feeling of his eyes never left the side of my face. I felt like I had opened the floodgates to something I had not expected to open. 

“Maybe you should broaden your horizons, Tristan.” He stated, breaking the silence that had lingered between us. 

His statement caught me off guard, the way that he was being earnest in that moment stumped me. My body from the tips of my limbs, a feeling creeping under my skin like a soft chill, became light from what he had said.

I felt weightless. 

The statement was different from what others usually said when I tried to dismiss them; most people just dropped conversations with me. Not Asher. He, in a way, had challenged me, and with such a simple statement, one that sat with me in that moment. Most of the time I knew I was always right when it came to my affairs, but during that second, I had a lapse in judgment from the thoughts that started to fill my head. Was this the same doubt that Gage made me feel? Why did it feel so different? 

“What… What do you mean?” I replied, my fingers pausing on my keyboard. 

“Branch out. See what life is like through other people's eyes,” He explained, a smile evident in his voice, “If I may, can I ask a question?” 

“Sure.”

“I see that you stay after school and watch the soccer team, do you have any other friends then the guys on the team?” He asked. 

My body froze at the sound of the question. 

“You know besides the guy that you usually leave with after their practice is done” He added. 

“Are you saying that I don’t have a wide array of friends?” I replied.

“No, I’m not saying that, but I was just wondering if you have tried bringing yourself out of that hard exterior that you have”
“Hard exterior? What hard exterior?” 

“You know that hard shell you have on your personality that looks like it would be fun to take a whack at.”

My eyes widened as I looked at the teasing smile that Asher greeted me with. My face reddened, the subtle pounding of my heartbeat in my ears washing over the noises from the students in the background. Asher’s, from what I assumed, teasing tone had taken me aback, it wasn’t every day someone decided to speak to me in such a playful way. 

Was he flirting with me?