“I got these,” Sasha said, pulling something out of his small freezer and holding it up.
“The frozen spaghettis!” Cooper exclaimed. “You remembered I said I liked them?”
Sasha nodded. “It was the one thing I knew you’d like, so…”
“I’m really not fussy so you don’t have to worry about it, but it is really nice that you remembered and got something I said I liked. Thank you, Sasha.”
“You’re welcome,” Sasha murmured like he wasn’t quite sure it was the correct response as he unsleeved one of the frozen spaghettis and turned around to put it in the microwave. “Four minutes.”
“Until it’s ready?”
Sasha looked taken off guard as he turned back around to look at Cooper, and Cooper realised he had probably just been mumbling to himself. “No, um, until… uh… nevermind.”
“Okay,” Cooper said. They were silent for a moment, but silence always felt like something that needed to be filled to Cooper so he found himself opening his mouth again. “You know, I think I don’t like to think of myself as smart because then people expect things of me. Because then I expect things of myself. I don’t think I’m stupid, but actually being smart? That’s a lot of pressure.”
“That makes sense,” Sasha said as he leant against the kitchen counter next to the microwave. “They did some studies and they discovered it actually sort of messes kids up if you praise them for being smart, because it’s basically telling them that they’re someone who is good at things without having to try very hard and that’s a good thing. It makes them afraid to fail or to not be good at everything right away because then people might think they’re not smart.”
“Man, my self esteem is shit and I’m still afraid of disappointing everyone, including myself. How is that fair?”
“It’s not fair, but it makes sense, right? You said your parents were pretty judgemental and not very understanding.”
“True,” Cooper said. “I think it’s also an ADHD thing. It’s called, uh… Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. People with ADHD are often really sensitive to feeling like we’re being judged or rejected or we’re letting people down. Things like that. It’s kinda rough when you also can’t help being loud and impulsive and forgetful. It’s really hard to fight against those feelings when you really do fuck things up a lot.”
Sasha nodded as the microwave beeped. He took the spaghetti out, peeled the film back, and stirred the contents before replacing the film and putting the spaghetti back in the microwave for another two minutes. While it finished cooking, he turned back around to face Cooper again. “I feel that way about social anxiety. I guess it’s similar. The thing I’m afraid of is the way I’ll feel if something goes wrong. It’s real and it’s terrible and I experience it all the time. It’s like trying to overcome a fear of spiders when your house is full of aggressive, venomous spiders.”
Cooper let out a surprised huff of laughter. “I like that metaphor. That’s a good one.”
“Thank you,” Sasha murmured. He stared at the ground until the microwave beeped again and he turned and took the spaghetti out. “Now I have to cook another one. I didn’t put them in together because then I think they’d both cook slower and unevenly and I don’t know how to…” Sasha shrugged.
“Makes sense.”
“You can have this one that’s done, though, and there’s cheese if you want extra cheese. There’s a little bit of parmesan that comes already on them, but I think that’s not enough cheese. For me, anyway. I like cheese.”
“Cheese is good,” Cooper agreed. “How about I get your little table set up and get us some water while you finish with the other spaghetti?”
“Okay.”
“Thanks for having me over and making me dinner and everything,” Cooper said as he got out the fold out table and set it up next to the bed. “I really appreciate it.”
“Oh, well, thank you for… flowers,” Sasha said, holding his entire arm out to gesture to the flowers.
Cooper couldn’t help smiling. “You’re welcome. I just picked them from a bush on the way home.”
Sasha nodded. “Nobody’s ever given me flowers before.”
Cooper went to the cabinet and got out two glasses. “People don’t normally give guys flowers, but I don’t see why not. Why is that a gendered thing?”
“I think it’s because guys are normally the ones who get gifts for girls and then… I don’t know.”
Ah, yes. Sasha had, possibly unintentionally, followed that line of reasoning to its natural end: that flowers were not typically a gift given platonically.
“Yeah, but you can get flowers for a graduation or a retirement or some other special event.”
“True,” Sasha said as though that had been anything at all. This wasn’t a special event. “Well, anyway, I like them, so thank you.”
Cooper smiled. “You’re welcome.”
They finished getting the meal together and then sat down on the bed together, right up close so that they could share the tiny table and definitely for no other reason.
Cooper wished he could spend time with Sasha more often, but he was fairly sure there was a massive difference between Sasha’s capacity for social interaction and his own. His own was… well, limitless, really. That was definitely not the case for Sasha.
Living in these tiny apartments probably didn’t help. Moments like these were cosy, but it did mean that hanging out with someone had a little extra intensity to it. You had to be close at all times. That was absolutely fine with Cooper, but it had already proven to be an issue for Sasha. That time he’d tried to retreat to the bathroom to calm down, he hadn’t had the sense of privacy he had probably wanted because Cooper could still hear him sniffling.
“Hey Sasha?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think I could have your number so I can text you or call you or something? That way we can talk more without me stressing you out too much. Unless that would stress you out as well?”
Sasha stirred the cheese into his spaghetti. Cooper had almost finished eating his, but Sasha was only half done. “Oh, um. You could text me, maybe?”
“It’s okay if you don’t want to. We could just stick with this or whatever.”
“No, I do, I just don’t like phone calls. It’s worse than talking face to face. I don’t know why.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s fine!” Cooper got out his phone. “What’s your number?”
“Uhh… I don’t actually have it memorised, sorry. I can get it for you after I’m done eating?”
“Oh! Sorry.” Cooper awkwardly tucked his phone back into his pocket. “I get excited sometimes and forget what I’m doing, or what other people are doing, and just start in on something else. I wonder how much that’s directly because of the ADHD and how much it’s a learned thing because I know if I don’t do things the second I think of them I’ll probably just forget.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll remember to give it to you. It makes me feel better when I have a plan, so I have everything laid out in my brain. Clean up after dinner. Give you my number. Get the biscuits and eat them. And then… I don’t know. I haven’t thought further than that. I don’t really know what people do when they hang out.”
“I don’t know if knowing what people do would help us much.”
“True. I often don’t feel like a people.”
Cooper found himself smiling. “Well, whatever you are, I like it.”
“You like it? And I thought I was weird.”
“Hey!”
Sasha ate his last bite of food and climbed off the bed. “Sketti cleanup.”
“Right!” Cooper said, getting up as well to help him. “And then…”
“Phone number.”
“Right, right. I knew that was in there, but I couldn’t remember if it was biscuits first or phone number first.”
“Well I guess it’s sort of at the same time actually because I’m getting biscuits and my phone, now, at the same time.”
“I see, I see,” Cooper said.
Cooper had noticed the shift in Sasha’s speech patterns, and it was fucking adorable but also probably a sign he was starting to get stressed. Cooper could have happily hung out with him late into the night, but their needs were not the same and he was determined to be considerate.
“Biscuits,” Sasha said as they sat back down together and he set the packet of biscuits against Cooper’s thigh. He unlocked his phone and went into his contacts. “I don’t have many contacts and one of them is me. That’s— my number’s in here.”
“Okay,” Cooper said as Sasha handed him his phone with his number pulled up on the screen so that Cooper could copy it into his. “Do you want me to put mine in yours as well? Like, in case you need anything. Or if you just wanted to talk to me. You could talk to me if you want.”
Sasha opened the packet of biscuits. “Yes please.”
When Cooper was done, he looked up to see Sasha with a chocolate chip biscuit just sort of in his mouth. He wasn’t eating it, he was just sort of holding it there. He was so cute. Cooper’s brain screamed PAT HIS HEAD and his hand made it halfway towards obeying before he thought better of it. He reached down to get a biscuit for himself instead, but Sasha’s eyes had been tracking his movement and he’d definitely noticed that wasn’t where Cooper had originally been reaching.
Sasha bit his biscuit in half and began eating it properly.
“I should probably go now,” Cooper said after he had finished his biscuit. He really didn’t want to, and Abra and Ellie wouldn’t be home yet, but he didn’t want to overstay his welcome. “You can finish the rest of the biscuits.”
“Oh, um, okay. Thanks.”
Cooper got off the bed and moved towards the door. “I already said it before, but thanks for having me over and making dinner and everything. It was really nice. I had fun.”
Sasha walked over and stood by him near the door. “Me too. I mean, I also had fun.”
KISS HIM, Cooper’s brain said as Sasha opened the door for him, but Cooper gave the doorframe two solid slaps and ignored that impulse. “Goodnight, Sasha.”
“Goodnight, Cooper.”
Sasha’s door shut behind Cooper, he took a deep breath in, let it out, and then he went for a jog. After dark. In jeans.
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