Another 90 miles to my account.

I hide Hart's photos and sketchbook as far as possible, and I hope to forget them the next time I move.

I immerse myself in work. I hold my breath.

I'm going on a date with Jack. Jack is funny. He knows how to make me laugh, although he does nothing special. He has talent. And I could use some laughter now.

We met at the 'Wagon' bar. We are discussing the design, eating, and drinking. Jack makes me smile again. Strange feeling in my cheeks. And I thought I couldn't do that anymore.

Jack is handsome. Well... I mean... he seems quite handsome to me. He has no scars, no stubble, no sullenness. His look is direct and open. He has sharp cheekbones, a charming smile, and a couple of witticisms at the ready.

After dinner, which passed like five minutes to me, we go for a walk. I'm at ease with Jack. We have common interests - he is also a photographer, he loves to read...

We walk past the loft where I lived with Hart.

I'm about to wave my hand to show Jack the place, but then I notice a familiar figure on the steps at the entrance.

Damn... no...

Calm down... We just need to get out of here quickly.

But Hart looks up at this very moment. I'm pulling Jack with me.

Bloody Hart.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see that he is following us, speeding up. I can't speed up without Jack having questions.

And if Hart catches up with us, there will be even more questions!

I stop abruptly and ask Jack to wait on the spot. He follows me with a puzzled look. I walk over to Hart. It seems that the distance is sufficient so that Jack can't hear us.

Hart seems a bit drunk. The lip is broken.

Nothing new...

"What do you want?" I ask as emotionless as possible.

Hart is silent, staring at me with glassy eyes.

"Go home and sleep," I say without changing my tone. I turn my back on him to leave, but Hart grabs me just above the elbow. Jack notices this.

What the hell?.. Jack comes to us, I try to free my arm from Hart's grip, but he only tightens his stranglehold.

"Gray, is everything all right?" Jack asks, studying Hart.

"Yes," I say, hoping Jack's presence will make Hart unclench his hand. But no.

Hart looks at Jack. No, I don't need a fight...

"Sorry, Jack, but you'd better leave." I say keeping my voice calm.

"Gray, are you sure everything is all right? Hey?" He snaps fingers in front of Hart's face, Hart grabs his hand.

"Hey!"

I'm trying to pull them apart.

"Jack, please," I ask. "I'll deal with it. It's ok, I promise. Sorry for that."

Jack leaves reluctantly, following Hart with an unkind look.

Hart and I walk to the park, I stop and turn to him.

"So?.."

Instead of answering, Hart sinks on the curb as if he has a vertigo or something. He doesn't react when I speak to him and keeps his eyes closed, breathing heavily.

We go to my place by taxi. Hart washes up and then sits on the couch in the living room.

I look at him from afar standing in the doorway. Yes, I'm an idiot. I made his problems mine. Again. But... damn it... Does it make sense that I missed him? That I'm actually glad to see him?  

Hart is sitting on my couch and looking into the mug of tea that I brought him.

"I'm going to bed since you don't want to talk anyway. Good night," I say and turn around.

He catches up with me in the corridor. Pushes me against the wall. Another persistent kiss.

"I want you, Gray. Right now," he says as he exhales.

Should I wet myself from joy?

"No, Hart," I say. I push him away from me, I do not react to his touch, I turn my face away. When Hart is sick of it, he backs off.

"What are you playing at?!" He raises his voice.

"And you thought I only dreamed of sleeping with you?! Don't you think too much of yourself?!"

"Don't say you didn't want it!"

"That's not what I wanted, you idiot!" I'm not afraid of him. Words leave my lips without regret, he deserves every damn letter. "But what you wanted, I don't get at all!"

At this, Hart's anger is replaced by something else, he goes back to the room.

"Is that all, Hart? Is that all you've got? All that you are capable of? Just running away from the questions?" I follow him to the room.

"Leave me alone, Gray."

"Well, I did! I left you as you wanted me to! I didn't come to your parents drunk to find out your address!"

Hart swallows hard.

"You're a coward, Hart. A coward and a liar. Tried to prove so hard how honest you are with your desires... Yeah, right. Honest! But you know, the truth is that you just hide behind your lies, booze, and fights from your real self! From the one whose head your father wanted to cut off. From the one your mother hates. And only when you're on edge - you come to kiss me. But it doesn't please me to be your doormat!"

"You don't understand," Hart says abruptly.

"I don't need to understand anything."

"If everything is... the way you say it... then all this, all these scars are for nothing!" he knocks a mug off the table, and it falls to the floor.

"They are for nothing!" I can not stand it. "You are a fucking idiot! How can you be so dumb?! Go away, Hart. Go to hell! I can't stand you! Get out!" I shout and push him out the door. He doesn't resist. And I slam the door in front of his bitter face. But I don't hear his footsteps. I sit with my back against the door for a long time.

The problem is I care. I care about Hart. I fell for him the day we met.

I fell for him with all my sick and stupid heart.

And it's my stupid heart that makes me open the door and lets Hart, who never left and was sitting on the doorstep, in. It makes me return his kisses and lets him put me on the bed in the bedroom.

I missed this. I know we've never been so close, we've never done that, but somehow I missed this. His touch, his lips, his hot skin on mine, his hands wrapped around my back, his deep kisses, and his awkward attempts of freeing me from my clothes. It's like I always knew what we could have, like I lived it in my head. In my dreams.

Hart is not particularly gentle, he's rather clumsy. But I think it's because this is the first time for him... or, well... I don't know for sure, but he's visibly nervous.

I can't take the long foreplay. I want to feel him inside. I wanted this for so long that I didn't even care about the pain.

I actually prepared myself before my date with Jack. It's not that I was going to have sex with Jack... but I prepared nonetheless. Just in case I'd feel ready to step over this line. I couldn't imagine that in the end, I did it all for Hart. But now... I'm glad I did. Because at the back of my mind I think that if I took a pause for showering, Hart would be gone by the time I got out. And yes, there is a second thought that follows but it is stopped by my desire.

This is my first sex in a long time. And it feels like I'm losing my virginity again. This time with Hart.

I do most of the work myself and guide Hart inside me. He grips my thighs and pulls me closer, going deeper and making me moan throatily.

Hart's hesitation and clumsiness vanish quickly once he finds a comfortable position and loses himself to the process. He holds me by the sides and controls his movements.   

I just enjoy every second of it, listening to his heavy breathing and low rumble, feeling him inside.

Together with my climax, all thoughts, anger and anxiety fly out of me. And along with his climax, the remnants of strength leave me, and I almost immediately fall asleep.

Hart is here. And I've never felt this way before. But I needed him exactly in this place, on this half of the bed.

But in the morning, Hart is gone.