*warning: panic attack*

I Can't Be Alone Again

All I can do is stare down at the glass, vodka dripping from my hand and onto the hardwood floor.  I start to shake and have to use my other hand to steady the glass.  Like a desperate junkie, I pull the glass to my lips with both hands and gulp down the alcohol, feeling it burn all the way down to my stomach.  I let out my held breath and gasp to take in more air but it's just not happening. 

My chest tightens as I stumble back to the decanters sitting mockingly on the credenza.  The vodka is missing its stopper so that's the one I grab, filling my glass once again.  I release the decanter, not realizing it wasn't anywhere near the credenza, and it falls to the floor, the heavy crystal decanter just bouncing and tipping over, spilling the clear liquid over the floors and filling the room with its strong aroma.

I'm still shaking enough to slosh more vodka over my hands as I try to figure out what is making me panic.  Was it the thought that my perfect little Naka was a not so perfect and a terrifying sex demon?  Was I jealous that Tachi got to find that out about him and not me?  Or am I more upset by Barney's earlier behavior and him ignoring me when I was just steps from him?

The last thought has me nearly collapsing to the floor.  I land on one knee and tip to the side as my hands wont let go of the glass in my hand in order to preserve as much of the alcohol as I can since the decanter has now emptied itself onto the hardwood floor.  I spin my self on my knees and land on my ass, mentally thanking my dance training muscle memory and self preservation.

As the odor of the vodka and my constricting chest starts to overwhelm my senses, I see the darkness starting to invade my sight, narrowing my vision more and more as the seconds tick by.  I bring the glass to my lips, spilling more down my shirt before I can attach my lips to the edge of the glass.  I suck as hard as I can and force the alcohol down my throat.  It takes a lot of effort to keep going and not stop to take a breath. 

Once the glass is empty, I take in a ragged breath.  I can feel the alcohol working through my blood, warming my core and loosening my limbs.  That familiar buzzing begins in my head as I close my eyes and just let myself give in to the feeling of passing out and letting everything go all at once.  I hear the heavy tumbler fall to the floor as I list to the side.  I don't even try to stop myself from falling over, hoping I will be fully unconscious by the time my head bounces against the wooden floor.

My motion stops for a second before a flash of cold covers my body brining my lethargic drunk senses back to reality.  Just as the coldness starts to fade, another flash of cold covers my face and chest.  I gasp and inhale water as my eyes fly open to see Barney's flushed face staring at me with wide eyes full of panic.  In my drunken state of panic, I start to wonder what could be happening for Barney to look so frightened. 

I reach up and place a hand on the side of his face, rubbing my thumb over his cheekbone.  I try to speak but only garbled gagging comes out as I realize my stomach is convulsing trying to rid itself of the large amount of alcohol I took down while in a panicked stated. 

I push Barney away, or I try to as he is a solid wall but he understands what I need and backs away slightly but still tries to support me by holding my shoulders. My stomach convulses again and this time I can't stop it as bile and vodka come rushing out so fast that some of it has to reroute through my nasal passages.  The burn is intense and my eyes water as I try to take in a breath before the next wave is pulsing through my body.

Barney is gripping my shoulders tightly, fighting back his own panic as I kneel over the every growing pool of my stomach contents.  I'm methodical about it now thinking back to what I have eaten this morning.  The first pass was the vodka, next was the tea with a sickly sweet smell from the honey.  The last was the eggs and toast which I realized that I don't chew my food very well.  I take a mental note to do better in the future.

After a few more convulsions that produce nothing more than stringy bile and saliva, I rock back on my knees, panting heavily and not wanting to touch anything around me.  I shake Barney's tight grip from my shoulders and shake my head slowly.  He understands my silent demand and slowly backs away, falling over onto his ass.

I can hear him texting on his phone and seconds later, some of the house maids arrive with towels and a industrial vacuum used for picking up wet messes such as what I have left on the office floor.   I turn my head to the side and look at Barney through my messy bangs and see that his pants are covered in my bad decision to start drinking right after breakfast. 

A quiet whine leaves my throat as I reach out to Barney.  He moves slowly towards me, taking my hand as he runs his other hand across my back and under my arm to wrap around my chest as he picks me up and pulls me to his chest.  I wrap my arms and vomit soaked legs around his waist while burring my face in his neck.  "I'm so sorry." I whisper as his embrace tightens.

He walks us towards the ensuite, closing the shoji once we are inside.  I can hear the vacuum turn on and the sickly suction as the vomit and all is being cleaned from the floor.  The sound is drowned out by the shower turning on.  Barney moves us into the shower stall and closes the door, never releasing his hold on me.

Barney turns his head so that his lips are close to my ear.  "Hey, baby.  It's okay.  Let's get cleaned up."  He says to me in a soft rumbling voice that breaks all my stubborn barriers as I start to sob against his neck.

I try to speak through my sobbing.  I want Barney to know that I didn't mean to push him away.  That I only want him to stand next to me, to be with me for however long it will last.  That he challenges me to not be the asshole I think I am.  To be better.  My frustration peaks as I once again can only sob one word sentences.  Barney moves a hand to rest at the back of my head has he kisses my temple.  "I know, Sobata and I'm sorry too.  Please forgive me."

I gasp at his statement, his request to be forgiven for being hurt by my callousness, by my stubbornness, by my desire to be an ass just for the sake of not getting too close to anyone.  He tries so sooth my emotions by stroking my back and gently squeezing my neck.  This is enough to break me and I move to fully ugly crying, throwing my head back and wailing towards the ceiling.

Barney lets me go on until I am hoarse and gasping for breath.  "I think that's enough, Sobata, don't you?"  I can only nod and go slack against his hold but he starts to set me down on the shower bench and I cling to him like a needy brat that doesn't want to stand on his own feet.  He only chuckles and goes down on his knees so my rear is on the tile floor of the shower.  I sigh and concede, unwrapping my limbs from around his body and immediately regret it as all of my muscles cramp at once.

"Fuck!"  I hiss and lay my head back against the tiled wall.  Barney nods and hums as he starts to undress me. "Once we get undressed and cleaned up, we will soak in the onsen and I can massage your body to relieve some of the tension.  You are going to need to eat as well, okay?"  He leans down so he can see my face.  I nod and try to smile so he knows I'm better but the gesture just causes a pained look to cross his face before his gentle smile returns.

We are in the shower but minutes before settling into the bath, me sitting on the bench with Barney gently massaging my arms and legs, working at the seized muscles and locked joints.  After about 30 minutes, I'm feeling more like myself and starving again.  It's a wonder I haven't wasted away to a skeleton with the sparce amount of nutrition I can keep down being in this place.  I'm beginning to wonder if this place is cursed or if I just keep having  bad reactions.  I do realize that most of the problem stems from my bad decisions as well.

Back in the office suite, the table has been set with a light lunch of miso soup and rice balls.  We sit and eat in silence, but Barney keeps an eye on my every move.  I try to smile every time I look in his direction and he reciprocates in kind.  I finally can't take the pressure of whatever it is Barney wants to say so I put my napkin on the table and push my dishes away from me.  Barney stills as I push my chair back, rise and approach him.

Barney pushes himself back from the table and faces me, laying his hands in his lap.  I place my hands on his shoulders, straddling his hips with my legs and settling down on his lap, moving my hands to wrap around his neck.  He raises his hands and rests them on my hips but doesn't apply any pressure.  I glance down and raise an eyebrow.  "I won't break, Barney.  You can hold me as tight as you want to." 

He frowns and looks down at his hands on my hips.  I can feel his fingers twitching, wanting to dig into my flesh, pull be forward so our bodies grind together.  He looks up at me, his mouth opening and closing like a carp tasting the waters for a mate.  I lean back slightly and tilt my head in thought.  "Just say it." I whisper out.

Barney drops his gaze from my face and closes his eyes.  "Did I… what happened before.  Why did you, I mean… what made you…" He trails off and  sighs heavily.

I hum and nod, falling forward until my forehead rests against his.  "Why did I start drinking like that earlier?" I say quietly and Barney just nods against my forehead.  "Was I trying to hurt myself?"  Again, another small nod.  "Was it because of something you said or did?" His shoulders deflate as his arms move to wrap around my waist but he doesn't pull me forward.

"Yes.  I'm sorry if I did anything that would have triggered you into that spiral.  I will be more careful from now on.  I promise you."  Barney sounds to be on the verge of his own breakdown.  I pull my arms back from around his neck so I can place my hands under his jaw and lift his head and gaze into his round wet eyes.  I shake my head and kiss his eyelids, smiling as I pull back.

"Barney.  What happened was me and my inability to deal with my own issues in a mature manner.  Yes, I was spiraling and yes, it was triggered from your lack of attention but the intensity and the degree that it got out of hand was all on me.  My mind can only see darkness and doom when I'm not in control and that is my issue to deal with.  No one should ever have to change themselves to accommodate my issues.  I'm just sorry that you had to be the target of my fears and insecurities.  You certainly don't deserve that.  You have been nothing but kind and loving since we met.  You satisfy so many things in my life, both physically and emotionally.  It's very hard for me to accept that one person can do all that."  I say slowly to make sure Barney understands that I mean every word of it.

He is visibly more relaxed and I can feel his grip tighten on my hips.  I smile and lean forward, placing a full lip sloppy kiss on his forehead.  "I think, this morning, seeing Naka and Tachi together and learning that Naka has kept secretes from me, as he should, and the way you didn't acknowledge my presence when you closed the doors, I just felt like I had lost so much so suddenly when I had just gotten Naka back and found someone that I truly enjoyed being with."  Barney just nods and waits for me to continue.

I don't say anything more and just stare into his eyes, committing to memory all of the colors that seems to fade in and out of them.  I feel him pull my hips forward as he pushes his upward and into my groin.  My eyes widen but then quickly close as I feel Barney's hardness rub against my own.  It feels so good, just this little bit of contact, the feeling of his fully hard cock beneath his clothing, already wanting to be close to mine.  I feel my own pants begin to get uncomfortably tight and I curse my decision to dress more professionally for my upcoming conversation with Tachi and Naka.

Barney pushes my hips back for a moment before pulling them forward with more force this time as his groin pushes into my own causing a low moan to escape my lips.  This seems to encourage him as his movements quicken and become more solid and demanding.  I'm quickly becoming a boneless mess in Barney's hands as I feel his lips on my neck.  Another lewd moan trickles out of my mouth along with a low long "Fuuuuuck"

I lean back and start to unbutton my dress shirt, Barney's hooded eyes watching every little movement of my fingers while still grinding our hips together, little grunts escaping his lips with each button that releases and allows my shirt to open just a little more.  I'm starting to enjoy the little bit of control I have over Barney so I slow down, letting my head fall back and moaning with each grind of our hips.

There is a light rapping on the doors just as I get to the last button of my shirt.  I stop and raise my eyes in a death glare towards the doors.  I get ready to growl out a "GO AWAY!" when I hear Tachi calling through the doors and the handles jiggle.  "Hey, unlock the doors you bastard.  Thought you wanted to talk?  And where is Barney?  Cole, go find out where he went.  He is supposed to be standing guard!  Hey, Sobata!  You do know I have keys for all the doors, right?"  Tachi begins knocking more insistently on the doors.