Jeremy's POV:

"Forgive me Father," I say, my voice already breaking and me on the verge of crying. "I've committed a horrible sin."

Father Peter sighs. "Tell me."

"I committed a lie of omission by sneaking out and going to a college party with my girlfriend. I played a game and committed an intimate act with another man. I... I let him touch me and I touched him back and I derived pleasure from it." I speak quickly, the shame making my face burn and causing tears to fall down my face.

Father Peter is silent for a few minutes. "So, you not only committed a sin of adultery against your girlfriend, but you lied to your parents, let another man touch you, and you get pleasure? And you did this all without thinking for a second about the shame you would bring to yourself and your family for committing this horrendous act?" he scolds me, making me cry even harder. "I'm not sure this series of sins is forgivable. Did you try to resist?"

I shake my head, because I really didn't. I should have stopped Carter from ever touching me, I shouldn't have played that damn game. This is all my fault and now I've drawn a wedge between myself and God.

"This is extremely disappointing," Father Peter says, his voice still harsh and cold. "My best recommendation to you is to abandon your relationship since you clearly cannot stay loyal to your girlfriend and to follow the path to become a priest, or to attend a practice in which you can be dissuaded from your unholy tendencies. Only by committing yourself to God will you be able to be forgiven."

"Father, I don't think becoming a priest is meant to be my path-"

I don't get to finish my sentence because Father Peter slaps me across the face. I grab my cheek and I can feel the tender flesh already heating up.

"You disgust me and you have brought shame to your family," he says before waving me away. "I will think of what I can do to save your lost soul, but I'm not sure there are many choices."

I hate crying, but I have never felt such shame and embarrassment. My tears are unstoppable as I walk home, and once I get inside, I freeze.

Dad is standing in the entryway, looking right at me.

"My office, now," he orders in a dry tone.

I walk into the office and stand in the center of the room, my hands shaking.

The door slams shut behind Dad and I hear him take off his belt. There's a split second for me to process what's happening when he slams his belt across my back and I cry out in pain.

"I got a call from Father Peter," he says calmly, as if he didn't just slam his belt across my back. "He tells me that you committed a heinous act."

Another strike catches me by surprise, but I manage to keep my cry if pain in.

"You let another man touch you," he seethes. "And you enjoyed it."

"I-" my unspoken plea for forgiveness is cut off by another slap of the belt.

Dad sighs deeply. "I will not have a faggot as a son."

"I'm not gay!" I shout. "I have a girlfriend!"

"Who you cheated on!" he bellows. "You cheated on Amanda with another faggot!"

The belt hits me again and I lose my balance, falling to the floor and most likely bruising my knees on the ground. It doesn't stop there; he continues to beat me, yelling obscenities at me and breaking my will to live with each strike.

"I'm sorry," I cry, begging him to stop with my sobs.

He hits me again. "You will follow Father Peter's advice. You are not worthy of that girl and you will break up with her and follow the path to become a priest. At least then you will remain abstinent and separate from those faggots who corrupted you!"

When he's done with his tangent, Dad leaves me on the floors of his office and stomps away.

All I can do is pathetically cry.

How did I manage to ruin my life so easily?

I manage to get to my feet and I slowly make my way through town to the college and knock on the door to Amanda's dorm room. It's still early in the day and she doesn't have class until three this afternoon, so hopefully she'll be home.

Her roommate, Sylvia, answers and takes one look at my face before inviting me in.

"Jer?" Amanda asks, sitting me down on her bed and looking at me in deep concern. "What's wrong?"

She's only wearing sleep shorts and a sports bra and I wish I felt attracted to her. Any normal guy would be staring at her and would be over the moon that he got the chance to be with her.

But, no, I have the mindset of a disgusting man who likes other men.

I break down completely and confess everything that I told the priest and my ongoing issues with my unholy urges. About halfway through my sobbed out tangent, Sylvia leaves the room to give us privacy, a look of deep concern on her face as she leaves.

When I get to the part about Dad's punishment, Amanda orders me to take my shirt off and grabs a tube of Cortizone to rub on the welts left on my skin. She hasn't said a word this whole time and I'm shocked she's being so kind to me when I've done nothing but brought shame to her.

"That's so fucked up," Amanda grumbles as she finishes rubbing the cream on my back.

"I know," I whisper, my throat tight. "I'm disgusting and I-"

Amanda cuts me off. "I'm talking about your dad abusing you, Jer. Not you."

"But... I liked when a guy touched me."

"So?"

"So it's wrong!" I exclaim. "I'm a gross, dirty fag and I cheated on you and I-"

She cuts me off again, which is getting annoying because she won't listen to me. "Don't use that word, first of all, because it's a slur and it's rude. Second, it's not really cheating because we were playing a game. Besides, it's pretty clear you were never attracted to me in the first place and I hold nothing against you."

"I am attracted to you!"

"Jeremy, the furthest we've gone is holding hands and a few kisses. You went further with a guy who you never met before than you've ever wanted to with me," Amanda comments.

She's not wrong, but it still hurts to hear.

I'm absolutely disgusting. I preferred to let a guy touch me up than my perfect, beautiful girlfriend who my family likes.

"You need to stay away from that church, Jeremy."

"No," I say, shaking my head. "I've already brought my family enough shame and I don't want to go to Hell for these urges. I need them to tell me what to do."

Amanda looks pained by my words. "Jeremy, you can't control who you're attracted to and there's nothing wrong with it!"

"I'm attracted to you!"

"Stop lying to yourself!" Amanda stands up and starts pacing the room. "Fuck, Jeremy, they really have brainwashed you! If God truly makes everyone in his image, then you should get to be whoever you want and not have to force yourself to change! Your father physically abused you for something you enjoyed! That's fucked up!"

I shake my head. "I didn't like it!"

"Fine, whatever," she scowls, and her anger hurts me deep in my gut. "If you want to pretend to keep dating me so your parents don't send you to some conversion camp or priest training, then I'll play along, but you need to come to terms with yourself and get away from that cult."

"It's not a cult! Do you want to go to Hell?!"

Amanda rolls her eyes. "Better than being stuck in so-called heaven with Father Peter and your abusive dad."

I stand up and walk toward the door. "I'm sorry I let you down."

"You're only letting yourself down. You can't lie to yourself forever." She follows me and hugs me softly. "I do care about you and I'll always be here for you, but you're not meant to be with me. We can be friends and I'll help you out if you need me to pretend to be your girlfriend, but you're never going to be happy with me."

She doesn't know what she's talking about, but I can't force her to want to stay with me. I honestly feel more upset about disappointing my family than I am about Amanda technically breaking up with me.

It's not like we ever really acted like a couple.

She should be more upset that she wasted four years on a person like me than I deserve to be about her breaking up with me.

"Whatever," I mumble, leaving her dorm building and walking toward the park that's barely off campus.

"Hey!" I hear someone yell and I turn to see the very man that assisted me in ruining my life.

No way.

I make eye contact with him for a brief second before I take off running.