Jeremy's POV:

I don't know why I agreed to go with Amanda to her school's swim team's meet, but I really wanted to get away from home so I decided to follow her. It's been two weeks since Carter and I started messaging back and forth- well, it's mainly Carter texting me- and I hate myself for not having blocked him yet.

He's so open and funny, and I find myself laughing aloud at some of his texts that should disgust me and make me throw my phone away from me. There's no reason I should like this attention so much, but I'm always eager to read what he sends whenever my phone dings.

Amanda found out we were texting back and forth, not that I'm surprised by it, and said we should support our friend by going to his swim meet. Whenever she says "friend" when referring to Carter, she says it with a smirk and and winks at me.

Which is annoying.

I'm already struggling with these stupid thoughts and horrible erotic dreams about men and she's making it worse by pointing it out.

"That's what you're wearing?" Amanda asks me as I change from my school clothes to more relaxing clothes.

I look down at my plain blue jeans and red t-shirt. "What's wrong with it?"

"Well, I'm sure you could dress a bit cuter."

I look at what she's wearing, and it's just plain jeans and a long sleeve purple shirt. "You're not dressed up."

"I'm not going to have anyone looking at me." She smirks. "You, however..."

"Will you drop it?!" I snap, my face going red. "I'm not gay and I don't like Carter. We're just friends!"

Amanda shrugs. "I was just saying that you're single and could catch someone's eye... never implied your sexuality."

That makes me blush even more. "Can we just go?"

"Sure, we have to pick up Janelle." Amanda grabs my phone from her bed and tosses it to me. "Might wanna text your very close friend Carter so he doesn't have an aneurism. Does he always text you five times in a row?"

I nod. "Usually. He sends lots of small messages instead of one big paragraph."

Amanda hums as we head to her car and climb in. "Have you been to confession since Father Peter called your dad?" she asks me, backing out of her parking spot.

"No... Dad thinks I've gone but I've just kind of sat in the pews," I mumble. "I'm scared he'll tell Dad what I say again and it's not like the thoughts have gone away. Please don't try to convince me I'm gay right now either because I really don't want to think about it."

She grabs my hand and squeezes it tight. "I won't, and I'm sorry for earlier. It's something you need to discover on your own."

We fall silent after that and pull into an apartment complex, as Janelle and Carter live in an apartment off campus because it's cheaper than dorms.

Janelle is wearing a form fitting yellow crop top that makes her dark skin glow and she has light wash mom jeans with it. She gives us both a bright grin as she slides in the back of the car.

"Glad you could come with us, Jeremy!" Janelle exclaims, reaching over the seat to give me an awkward hug that I appreciate.

She's the kind of person that just lights up the room and makes you smile. She is also wearing some kind of floral perfume that smells really good, so that's really welcomed from her hugging me.

I check my phone because it's been buzzing nonstop and I see that, unsurprisingly, Carter has been texting me.

Carter: are you coming to the meet?

Carter: you should :)

Carter: janelle says i probably annoy you when i text you all the time

Carter: but i don't care ;) gotta text my legal high school cutie

Carter: sorry, that was out of pocket

Carter: don't tell amanda that i flirt with you because that girl has some long ass nails. besides, it's all jokes !

Me: Aren't you supposed to be getting ready for your swim meet?

Carter: no... yes... don't tell me what to do

Me: I'll be there, hope you lose.

I put my phone away after that and lean back against the passenger seat. I'm torturing myself by going to this meet because I doubt that Carter will be wearing a shirt.

God, please forgive me for the thoughts that will cross my mind. I swear that I will to confession this week, just please forgive me for straying from your light.

"Your parents are okay with you staying out late, right?" Amanda asks, because even though I'm an adult, I still follow their curfew.

Even Jackie follows the rules and she's older than me.

"I told them we were going on a date and they seemed to approve of it, but I have to be home by eleven at the latest," I say, and Amanda shrugs at the news and I know she'll cover for me.

The one time I didn't follow the rules was when I snuck out to go to the very party that ruined my life and my relationship with God. Yet, I have the audacity to continue to see the very person who joined me in sin and lead us both down a dark path.

Well, surely more me, because I'm not sure what Carter's connection with God is, or if he even has one.

Does he fear that he'll be going to Hell for the things he does with men? Or does he even believe in God? Is he just a lost soul that goes through life doing what he wants without regrets?

Or... is his soul even lost if he's getting to enjoy every moment of his life?

It's all too much for my brain, because I don't know how God can punish people who don't believe in him. They're not his in that case and everyone deserves to choose in my opinion, even if Father Peter's is different.

Not that I'd ever tell him or my parents.

We arrive at the swim center that belongs to the school and it's extremely humid when we pay and sit in the stands for students. There's not many of us, but everyone seems excited.

"Carter's event doesn't start for another thirty minutes, and he has four today," Janelle informs us.

Amanda looks at the program. "Sylvia is swimming in ten," she comments. "What does Carter swim?"

"He does sprints. The one hundred butterfly, one hundred freestyle, fifty freestyle, and he has a team medley relay," Janelle reads off.

No wonder he has such nice abs...

Agh, shut up you stupid, sick brain!

As if my sick thoughts summoned the man who has been haunting my mind, I catch Carter's eye from where he's standing with a group of four other guys. His eyes brighten when he sees us and he waves excitedly, more like an overexcited child than a college swimmer.

I wave back, smiling at my friend, and then I realize he isn't even looking at Amanda or Janelle. My personal demon's eyes are only locked on me, and I hate how much the attention is making me blush.

Once he breaks eye contact and returns to speaking with his friends, I return to the two girls who are here with me. For most of the meet, we chat and I get to know Janelle better and I surprisingly learn more about Amanda as a friend as opposed to a girlfriend.

Honestly, I like her more this way.

It feels much more natural and I suppose she just wasn't the one for me and I need to keep looking. For now though, I'll still pretend we're dating so my parents don't try to set me up with someone else right away.

I just need time to get over my sickness and then I'll find a nice girl who will be someone who my parents will like and someone I can have a family with. That way I won't lose my family and I won't bring myself shame.

And I'll be happy.

I'll be happy.

Carter finally gets to his last event, and he's a true athlete.

I'm kind of nervous waiting for him after the meet with Janelle and Amanda. Even though we text every day, I haven't actually seen him in person since I took off at the park.

Carter walks out with a small hand towel over his shoulder, wearing his swim team sweater and sweatpants.

And Amanda said I'm underdressed!

He grins when he sees us and hugs both Janelle and Amanda, but for me he stops and ruffles my hair instead, making me scowl.

"Thanks for coming, guys!" he says, sounding really excited that we came to support. "Especially you, Jeremy. It's eight o'clock... shouldn't you be in bed?"

"Ha. Ha. Ha," I comment sarcastically.

"Let's go get dinner," Janelle says, cutting off Carter before he can make another stupid joke. "Unless anyone objects?"

Amanda puts her arm around my shoulders. "Jer has to be home by eleven at the latest, so dinner sounds good to me. You're okay with it, Jeremy?"

I smile. "Yeah, sounds great."

I'm glad she's pretending to be a couple right now so I can focus on that as opposed to staring at Carter. I've been attracted to guys before, but I'm drawn to him in a completely different way and I need to find a way to stop.

The elastic band around my wrist has been in use all night and I use it once again, getting a weird look from Carter. Thankfully, he doesn't mention it.

We end up at a small burger place that's local to the area and Janelle and Amanda decide to spend time together in the bathroom, doing whatever girls do in there, leaving Carter and I waiting at the table.

"So... how long have you and Amanda been together?" he asks me, clearly trying to make conversation.

I drink some of my water. "Four years."

"Shit. That's a commitment. How'd you two meet?"

"My parents knew her parents because we all go to the same church and I asked her out my freshman year of high school. We've been together ever since."

He doesn't need to know that there's never been anything between us besides friendship and that he's the reason that I cry every night and pray to be normal.

"That's cool." Carter looks around the diner. "Uh, I know I apologized over text, but I'm going to apologize in person as well: I'm sorry for what happened at the party."

My face goes red. "It's fine. Please, can we just not talk about it?"

Carter seems a bit surprised but he agrees as the girls return to the table. "We should all hang out on Sunday at our apartment," he says, taking a bite out of his burger. "You guys in?"

"Sure," Amanda says, smiling at me. "You're going, too."

"I have church on Sunday," I say.

"You can go after," Janelle tells me.

I reluctantly agree. "Okay... I guess so."

Carter's smile lights up the whole room and I can't help but to return the grin.

I know this is nothing but a punishment for me, as I am continuing to spend time with the same man that I let help me ruin my life. This is a bad idea, continuing to spend time with him, and it will only end up horribly for me, but I am too weak to resist.

Forgive me, please.