Jeremy's POV:

This church is much smaller than the one I usually attend, but it feels safer. Everyone is doing their own thing and no one is casting me any dark looks for no reason, which is a nice change of pace.

I keep looking back at Carter who is giving me supportive smiles and it makes me feel all fuzzy inside. I really have the urge to slap myself with my rubber band, but Carter took it away from me in the car and threw it out the window when I tried to grab it back.

The door to the confession room opens and I'm invited in by a man who looks to be in his forties. He's not very tall and he has a kind, round face that makes me feel comforted. His eyes are a rich brown and show much more kindness than Father Peter's severe, cold eyes.

"Good morning," he says before I can ask him to forgive me. "I haven't seen you here before. Are you new to this church?"

I'm caught off guard but I nod. "I usually go to the Holy Trinity church," I respond.

"What is your name?"

"Jeremy."

"Well, Jeremy, I'm Father Juan. What brings you to the confession room today?"

I feel the familiar shame burning in me. It crosses my mind that Carter may have lied to me about Father Juan being kind and supportive, but I don't think he'd do that to me. Or, at least, I hope not.

"I've sinned, Father. A lot."

"When was your last confession?"

"Two weeks ago."

Father Juan chuckles. "Jeremy, I doubt you've sinned as much as you think you have. Two weeks is a short amount of time. However, I will ask that you tell me so we can discover a way to have you pray to God to ask him to cleanse your soul."

"Will he be able to?!" I blurt out, and Father Juan gives me a slightly confused look.

"Of course he will. God only asks that you ask for forgiveness and feel sorrow for the sins you have committed. He will not turn away one of his children who wants to be purified in his eyes."

I sigh. "I have brought shame to my family due to my unnatural attraction to men. I let a man touch me at a college party and I gained more pleasure from him than I ever did with the girl I dated for four years. I lied to my parents and said I didn't feel attraction for men. I am tainted and broken and I fear I will go to Hell for being unable to control my desires for men, but I fear going to a conversion camp like my parents want me to."

Father Juan stares at me and I cannot guess what thoughts live behind his eyes. We sit in silence for a few minutes, silent tears coming to my eyes, while Father Juan seems to think.

He's probably realizing that I'm incapable of saving.

"I ask that you pray one Hail Mary tonight to ask for forgiveness for lying to your parents," he eventually says, catching my attention and shocking me. "But other than that, there have been no sins committed."

"... what?"

Father Juan reaches across and takes my hand and gives me a comforting smile. "Son, many priests believe that like the same sex is a horrible sin, but God teaches us that love prevails over all. God made each of us in his image, and forcing yourself to change how you were born is not what he wanted you to do. There are many people who say you will go to Hell for loving the same sex, but how can you be a sinner when you are merely following the human desire to love? I don't know the teachings that harmed you in this way, but you should push them out of your mind.

"It will not be easy, as you have been raised to believe certain things, but loving a man is not a sin. It is no different than loving a woman, except for the ability to have children. You should never have been told you need to change, and I apologize that someone misguided you and made you believe you are ill for something you cannot control. However, you can now look to the future and I assure you that all God wants for his children is to be happy with who you are and to treat his creations and other children with respect and grace."

I'm honestly stunned, and I'm waiting for the moment where he tells me that he was joking and suddenly switched his tune, but he's looking at me with sincerity and acceptance.

"So... If I say that I'm gay... and do want to do relationship things with a man... I won't go to Hell? Would I have to come ask for forgiveness every time I did something?"

Father Juan shakes his head. "No, as you only need to ask for forgiveness when you commit a sin. Falling in love, being in a relationship, sharing your life with another person for your pleasure... none of that is a sin. In fact, it's a beautiful thing that you should take in and appreciate, unless it leads to something dangerous or potentially harmful for you. Premarital sex is another thing I am often asked about, and while people associate with with sexual immorality, there is no statement in the bible that says it is a sin. Even if there was, we always have to keep in mind that the bible has been reinterpreted by so many people that it is impossible to know the original meaning. So long as it is consensual and both partners are enjoying it, I see no sin."

"You're very modernized, Father."

He chuckles. "Jeremy, we live in a progressing society, and as much as many people want to keep the teachings of the church the same as those of the past, that will only lead to chasing people away. No one wants to go to a place where they feel as though they are an outcast for something that they were born with and cannot control, such as sexuality or race. I cannot force you to stay away from the other church, but I will encourage it. I've seen those marks on the wrists of others and I know it is a common technique to dissuade sexuality acknowledgment."

I feel tears gather in my eyes. "I don't know if I can stay away from home, Father. I don't have any money or any kind of job... once I graduate my parents want me to work in the church so I haven't really planned for college. Plus, I have no place to go. I'm staying at my friend's apartment right now, but it's only a matter of time before he sends me away."

Father Juan sighs. "Is the friend that boy that was sat out there when I came to collect you? Carter Hall?"

"Yes... he's the one who encouraged me to come here."

"He's a kind boy and his father comes here most weekends for mass, and I know that he wouldn't cast you to the streets. What you need is to let others outside your family help you so that you don't have to go home. Stop thinking about what your family wants. What do you want, Jeremy? Do you want to go to college? Do you want to have a relationship with a man? Do you want to break away from the church that has done more harm than good to you?"

I nod. "I think... Father, I think I want all of that. I think I like men and, if you say that I won't be sent to Hell or hated by God for it, then I think I'm willing to accept it. I'm just afraid that I'll be hated by my family and I don't want to bring them shame."

"If they stand to the side and allow you to be harmed for something uncontrollable, it is them who need to ask for forgiveness. Now, one Hail Mary for the lie, and reflect on everything we have talked about. Our doors are always open should you need anything, Jeremy." Father Juan shakes my hand, which is much more respect than I've ever gotten from Father Peter, and he walks me to the door. "Go in peace, Son."

I see Carter waiting in one of the pews, and he smiles when he sees me walk out. His hand raises and I see him wave to Father Juan before he meets with me and we leave the church.

"So?" Carter asks, looking at me intently. "Did he help you?"

I nod. "I think so... but I'm still not sure that what he wants me to do is right... it goes against everything I've ever been taught."

From the way Father Juan was speaking, from how he told me that many priests have different views and attitudes toward certain things all within the same religion, how am I supposed to know what path is right? What if he's wrong and I still go to Hell? What if he's right and my family is wrong for letting me be harmed by Dad and Father Peter?

How do I know what's right and what's wrong?

Carter doesn't have an answer to my worries, so he drives us back to his apartment and plays quiet music during the drive. He gives me small smiles when I look over at him, and I fight the urge to press my nails into the battered skin of my wrist where the rubber band marks are.

How am I supposed to just throw away everything I ever learned?

"You look really broody," Carter tells me once we park in the apartment lot. "I don't know what he told you, but his teachings are much more progressive and open than the asshole that you usually see."

"The fact that all of their teachings are different is stressful," I say as Carter lifts me up completely and carries me to his apartment. "How am I supposed to know the right path?"

Carter puts me down on the couch and sits beside me, gently laying his hand on top of mine. "I think that religion was created so that people can have a way to feel as though there's something else waiting for them when they die, to take away some fear. There's so many religions, and none of them have all of the answers, and not all of their teachings are going to be right. I think you should focus on just being a good person and living the life that you deserve."

I can't help it; I throw my arms around his waist and start crying. Everything is so confusing and messed up; I'm messed up completely. How can he assume that religion is offering comfort when I have felt nothing but afraid of the teachings?

"Shh, it's okay, I've got you," Carter whispers, running his hand through my hair. "Let it out, it's alright."

He's giving me more comfort than I've ever gotten from my family or the church I grew up in, and I can't tell if I'm scared or enjoy it.

"Carter, I think I'm gay," I sob. "And I don't even know what that means for me."

Carter squeezes me tighter. "You don't have to know know right now. Just relax. I have class in a few hours and then I have swim practice after, so just stay here and relax, alright? You're not in any state to be moving around."

"I have school."

"Well, you're not going."

I don't like that he's ordering me around, but I'm in a lot of pain so there's not much I can do. I'll allow it for now, but he shouldn't expect to boss me around in the future.

"Fine, can I borrow your computer to email my teachers?"

He agrees and disappears to get dressed while I email them.

Janelle leaves pretty soon after, waving to me briefly before she disappears.

Carter comes back with his backpack and sits down beside me before he still has some time before he has to take off for class.

"Can I ask something?" Carter asks.

"You just did," I deadpan, continuing to type on his laptop.

Carter scoffs, but I can see his smiling out of corner of his eye. "Don't go home. You can stay here as long as you need, but please don't go back there."

My tiny smile falls. "They're still my family. They just want what's best for me..."

"Your dad beat you to the point where you couldn't walk!" Carter exclaims. "They want to send you to a conversion camp!"

"They won't! I... I can act normal."

"Normal?!"

Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say.

"Straight. Not gay. Sorry, that came out wrong," I mumble, because there's nothing wrong with being gay.

There's nothing wrong with it.

"You shouldn't have to hide a part of yourself for your family," Carter mumbles, grabbing his bag. "I have to go."

I frown. "Don't you still have a couple of hours?"

He pauses. "Okay, I don't have to go. I want to go."

"I'm sorry," I say, my bottom lip trembling. "I didn't mean to upset you, Carter."

Carter gently places his hand on the side of my face and kisses my forehead. "It's okay. It's just frustrating that you've been taught a certain way and you can't see that you don't deserve anything your family did to you."

He leaves after that, the middle of my forehead burning from where his lips touched me. It's weird though, as burns are usually bad, this mark feels like it's burning in a good way.